My mother in law wants to decide what to keep from a baby shower/donation.

[Gennah]

Hello everyone,

So I am currently living in Japan, and I live with my husband and mother in law. (It’s common to live with family especially when the baby comes so they can help)

I am 37 weeks pregnant now, and she has insisted that I keep all baby stuff in storage and refuses to let us use an empty room for a nursery. (Saying babies don’t need their own room)

I will be receiving a package today from my husband’s cousin which has second hand baby items. I was so excited to get it, but my mother in law said she is going to look through it and decide what to keep or throw away. (She also made me throw away a ton of clothes because she said I don’t need that many when I moved in. We can’t really afford to move out at this point considering the baby, maternity and paternity leave income cuts and my husband is going to inherit this house after she passes.)

I can’t help but feel angry about this. I am a first time mother and I appreciate help, but it’s my baby… I feel like I should have a say in what my baby will need or not need.

Considering the cultural differences and my feeling of inferiority to an experienced mother in law and elder, I am wondering if I am being unreasonable or if I am valid to feel the way I do.

Thank you for reading and for your thoughts.

crcjapan.wordpress.com/2011/02/06/case-of-alex-kahney-u-k-left-behind-parent/

Look at the above link. Japan has not signed up to The Hague convention.

It can leave one parent with no access to children if the relationship breaks down. Don't worry - I assume this is the father, but not knowing too much about Japan, I don't know if it can cut both ways.

I absolutely don't mean to panic you at this stage of your pg, but it's probably good to know about this stuff if you're living there. X

And to visit parents that OP has clearly said don’t exist. So basically they would leave DH’s mother in Japan permanently without his knowledge until it was too late, then come over to the UK, homeless and reliant on benefits. Great plan.

This can't be real....how on Earth would a woman end up married and heavily pregnant without having a clue about Japanese culture, norms and expectations? If it is real then OP has to find a way to make this work without destroying the only support system she's got. She and this baby are hugely vulnerable. I wouldn't be fussing over boxes of other people's old stuff. You've got much bigger fish to fry like understanding the culture your child is going to brought up in!

After the comments on how Japanese law considers the baby as being kidnapped if not returned that would not be a good idea obviously. But the poor OP needs to get out of there if her DH obeys the Mil and her Mil treats her like garbage.

This. You need to take control and assert yourself without being disrespectful .Otherwise, there will be major resentment ahead. This is yours and your husband's baby; it's not your MIL's place to make these decisions

Maybe not in western culture, but in their own it clearly is MIL’s decision, and they are living in her home, according to their own culture. This has been explained, in detail, several times. If OP ‘takes control and asserts herself’ she will be going against a deeply ingrained culture and will make things worse for herself. There’s been a lot of good advice as to how to navigate it. I don’t understand how posters are continuing to apply western values to a culture for which they have no meaning and no place.

Yep. This.

I asked earlier but don’t most countries have the similar laws about children being taken out of the country by a parent with the intent to not return?

I do see that Japan is a little more umm unique in their approach. But if a parent leaves the US with a child with the intent to deprive the other parent then it’s considered kidnapping. I thought the U.K. would be similar.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-12358440

Japan is very different.

People really think everywhere is just like the UK, except the weather/food/clothing is a bit different.

I reckon the OP is actually quite aware of the customs and culture. Hopefully just a wobble – which is understandable. Best thing to do now is just take it easy, and appreciate it will be different to western norms. Maybe it'll be better, in some ways. Recovery might be easier, for example. I would be fascinated to learn more, truth be told.

But that's the thing, within the framework of everything the MIL knows, MIL is treating her like her own daughter. Housing her, guiding her, being there for the baby, providing hercown advice and expertise, protecting the mother (because she is, believe it or not, that MIL's reputation in that community is the only pathway to being accepted as a local). This is vastly different to what we know, stifling beyond belief, but in a couple of weeks time, OP will be bundled in bed, waited on hand and foot for a full month, everything possible down to the smallest wish fulfilled so that she can establish breastfeeding, including the MIL being the one pacing the floor at night so OP can sleep. Judging by quite a few threads on AIBU, how many of us wouldn't have jumped at the chance of the same treatment? Problem is, you can't pick and choose which bits you like and which you don't.

Oh, and OP, that month is exactly when you get things the way you want them. It'll be inconceivable to your MIL to deny you anything at that time. Particularly (and I know how this comes across) if you have a boy.

Such an interesting thread.

It reminds me of an acquaintance who really struggled when she married a Greek man and re-located (can't remember where in Greece). Stayed in touch for a bit on facebook.

Not as extreme as this culture difference but I remember at the time that she hadn't really done "due diligence" on the expectations that would be placed on her. She left when she realised having a child would trap her into a life she didn't want.

OP you've had some good advice here. You need to lean into the cultural norms from my perspective and establish some credibility for doing so before trying to assert yourself.

Leaving aside the cultural differences for a moment.

You are in a situation where you are very dependent on your MIL.

-You live in her house and have no options for moving out.

-You have no contacts or support in the country you live in; she has lived there all her life.
-Your DH will not support you against her and if you leave him you may lose access to your child.

That's not a great situation and I can see why a lot of people are urging you to get on a plane. But as it seems like you can't do that, I think you have no real option other than to try and get MIL on your side. She has all the power here and you need her goodwill.

Cultural norms, eh? It used to be the cultural norm in the U.K. for men to beat their wives and for the police to turn a blind eye. It used to be the cultural norm for men to have complete control over their children and for women to lose them in a divorce - for example in the cases of Lord Lucan (where that was what he was aiming for) or Earl Spencer. These things would still be a cultural norm if we had all decided we just had to suck it up and get on with it. Sometimes you have to challenge what is wrong.

OK, so the OP and her MIL are only quibbling about baby clothes but the situation already seems abusive and toxic.

Because, like a lot of posters, you are viewing it from the point of view of western culture. Japanese culture and tradition is very different and as has been explained several times, foreigners have little agency. So OP would be fighting a losing battle from the outset, when a better course of action would be to get MiL onside and lean in to the culture.

What future will the daughter have if born half gaijin?

Pure idiocy.

This thread is a fascinating insight, and a lesson in avoiding Japanese men like the plague, or at the very least, only dating them while in the U.K.

OP, in your situation I think I'd explain to your h that you cannot cope with Japanese culture and the only way you can be happy is for all theee of you to move home.

Have you tried getting a flight home now, today? Don't allow your child to be born in Japan. If a daughter, you are condemning her to a life of the same regressive sexist misery.

There are so many half trues and misunderstandings in this thread. I live in Japan and am married to a Japanese man. My mother in law is lovely. There are no real cultural expectations of me and it is actually in many ways easier than the uk and my mate who is a single mother. My advice learn the language make friends and you will find out it is your husband and mother in-laws style . I will say most people co sleep with their kids in Japan. And the people saying Japanese people don’t have clutter hahhhaaaaa have you actually been further than the genkan ?

You know right traditionally all money goes to the wife and then she gives the husband the equivalent of pocket money ?
see how he reacts to that hahhaaa

Awww the sweet cousin who with a Pandora's box might kill all your relationships in one go. How sweet. Work on your relationship with your mother in law. Work on your relationship with your husband. DO not wage unnecessary wars, you will have to pay for it along the way. Be wise. Are you willing to loose all your relationships for a box of clothes ? If the box did not exist what would you be doing instead ? A box is not worth your marriage nor the well of advice and information coming from the "old hag". She might not be your enemy after all. You will have to give birth in a foreign country in a few weeks time and this is not the UK. Open the box with her. While you do it try to talk with her and make this a memorable moment. How about that ? If you have to store all things in the room that you will have to share with your husband what would you keep ? Lots of clothes means lots of clutter, lots of washing, from what I know there usually is no dryer in japenese homes. Who will have to stand in the cold to put all that shit to dry while still bleeding ? It's a waste of time and it's not good for your mental health. You have no idea what exhaustion means. I imagine you already have a lot of things for your baby at 37 weeks. You stated that they basically are your only family right now. Family is work. Sometimes very hard work, don't be the victim and assert your position kindly, it is a long term relationship so do not expect changes in one day. and carving your own space means that you will have to develop relationships outside the family circle to survive and blossom. All the best OP.

@Gennah Congratulations on your baby.

One bit of simple advice. It's very easy to listen to hot headed comments on here. How dare they? You should do this or that. LTB. This is your life. I'd say choose your battles wisely. That goes for your mother in law and bringing up your child. You're in this for the long haul and presumably love your husband regardless of cultural differences.

How is this being reviled as a misogynistic culture when it’s literally the MIL who is ruling the roost and must be respected by her DS?

OP, completely understand there is a cultural nuance here but you are to be a mum, and you will have to decide what’s best for you. look up how to communicate boundaries clearly and respectfully. don’t ask, tell her that you will be going through the items and deciding what to keep.
especially in those early postpartum days, you need your husband to protect the boundaries too so it will help to prepare. after a horrific first experience with family (that i’m still angry over four years on!) i prepared everyone for my second by communicating my desires and where they can help. for example - i want to be left alone with baby first 7 days, will be in and around bedroom. any help can be in shape of food / drinks but no one to take baby away from me unless i specifically request it.

best of luck

Couldn’t have said it better myself.