My mother in law wants to decide what to keep from a baby shower/donation.

[Gennah]

Hello everyone,

So I am currently living in Japan, and I live with my husband and mother in law. (It’s common to live with family especially when the baby comes so they can help)

I am 37 weeks pregnant now, and she has insisted that I keep all baby stuff in storage and refuses to let us use an empty room for a nursery. (Saying babies don’t need their own room)

I will be receiving a package today from my husband’s cousin which has second hand baby items. I was so excited to get it, but my mother in law said she is going to look through it and decide what to keep or throw away. (She also made me throw away a ton of clothes because she said I don’t need that many when I moved in. We can’t really afford to move out at this point considering the baby, maternity and paternity leave income cuts and my husband is going to inherit this house after she passes.)

I can’t help but feel angry about this. I am a first time mother and I appreciate help, but it’s my baby… I feel like I should have a say in what my baby will need or not need.

Considering the cultural differences and my feeling of inferiority to an experienced mother in law and elder, I am wondering if I am being unreasonable or if I am valid to feel the way I do.

Thank you for reading and for your thoughts.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Well she decided to marry a Japanese and live there. Their country, their rules.

Because housing in Japan is very very role and as the OP said this is the norm in that country.
To the OP. You could say gently that these items hold a sentimental value to you and you would like to keep them , at least until the baby comes. Say you appreciate all the help she is going you both but she should be appreciative of your customs too.

• expensive not role.

If things are that bad, consider going to the British Embassy. How much do you value your marriage? If the custody laws in Japan can mean you couldn’t see your children, I’d get out now before the baby is born.

My daughter has a friend whose mother was English and father Egyptian - when the marriage broke up her children abducted and taken to Egypt. The mother managed to get her daughter back, but it was years before she got her boys back in England. At one point she was stabbed by her FIL and quite seriously injured.

It’s a nightmare all round.

I worked in Taiwan for a few years and met a western woman married to a local. She was happy with him but always said she would advise any woman not to marry an Asian man because of culture clash issues like this.

My thoughts exactly!

It is your parcel and you get to choose what to keep. Things will change when the baby comes. It is true that the baby doesn't need it's own room until six months really. If there is an empty room you have time to prepare it to be the child's room once it's born.

Get your DH to present why her getting a flat once the baby is born would be a great thing. You are going to get a whole load of outdated baby advice so you need to explain to your DH that you are the baby's Mother and you are not Japanese. I reminded DH that he married me because I wasn't Chinese so he shouldn't expect me to be so!

She clearly didn't realise that moving to Japan and having a baby with a Japanese man would mean she would effectively be stripped of most of her personal agency and denied basic rights as a foreigner but also unable to leave for the next 20 years. I mean, that's nuts.

Read the bloody thread. You are coming at it from a western cultural point of view. In practice this isn’t what happens in Japanese culture. All that will happen is that things will be worse for the OP if she tries to go against tradition.

I mean, that's nuts.

A student of mine, a researcher at the local university near where I was living in Taiwan once told me that, after 5 years of marriage, she wanted her husband to stop giving both their paychecks to his mother to manage. They had a huge argument when she said she wanted them to manage their own money. I almost fell off my chair.

Time to move out. Irrelevant whether it is cutlturally relevant there or not.
It is not ur culture and what's happening to you is outrageous.

Were you in Japan ?

And go where ? She is Gaijin - you clearly don’t know what that means.

Are you seriously advising the OP to TELL her mother in law what will be happening to the rooms in her house and then essentially kick her out of her own home. Good grief…that’s serious CF behaviour in any culture.

I understand that your MIL is a Japanese lady and believes in Japanese culture. I believe you need to highlight that you are a western lady and believe in western culture. The key is not for you to acquiesce with Japanese culture, nor to insist that she acquiesces with Western culture, rather it is to negotiate with her and as an equal, and highlight you are trying to operate as an equal not a superior over your mother-in-law. Then you can try to find common ground. Once you ask to be treated as an equal very few Japanese would want to argue with you. Japanese culture does not condone argument and this is why your husband does not arguing with her but it will also mean that she the mother-in-law may not argue with you.

Get home. Bring your husband, but get home.
Conform for now, then invent a relation from whom you have 'expectations', who must see your child. Be as devious as you need to be.
Deal with the fall out when you get here.
Pesent as homeless if you need to, but get home.
Your mental health will suffer if you have to be subservient to another woman, and cannot make basic decisions regarding your child and how you live. Their culture is their culture, it need not be yours.
What your husband does when he realises that you are not returning is his problem.
Good luck.

Strongly suggest that you go through the things together. Mil is right about not needing so much but she should not be making the decisions about what to keep. Look for the positive until you can strike out on your own.

I think OP has left the thread.

The MIL is coming at it from a Japanese cultural point of view. In practice this isn’t what happens in Western culture. All that will happen is that things will be worse for the MIL if she tries to go against Western tradition.

I am not suggesting pure Japanese culture or pure Western culture is the aim rather it is a negotiation between two equal parties you and the mother-in-law to find a common ground and compromise. Japanese people don't like arguing so hopefully the mother-in-law word argue back.

I am not advocating for pure Western culture or for pure Japanese culture rather and negotiated compromise based on equals

Hiya ,
Not Japanese but I’m south Asian heritage .
I noticed some similar things here , mother in laws can be very dominant and often son’s are too weak to argue with their mothers. Especially if the father had passed away or is not in the picture , they may feel a huge responsibility to keep their mother happy. Unfortunately this leads to toxic environments and relationships, and has a huge negative impact on the spousal relationship. In the UK people rarely live with in laws for too long anymore , for these reasons . Being a mother is so hard but trust me it’s better to do it without “help “ in your own way . Whether it’s considered rude or not , for your own mental health you have to find a way to make your husband listen to you and mil has to respect boundaries. If he wanted a certain type of Japanese woman to follow these rules , he should have married one . Just remember Japanese women themselves may not even agree to this situation and they are trying to present this as the norm to you .
You need to remind him of this ! And what’s her problem with you storing things in the spare room ? Baby can sleep in your room till they are older but you should definitely be allowed to put their things in a separate room . This is what I did and I really enjoyed decorating the room even though it’s basically a beautiful store cupboard lol these things you should be allowed to enjoy as a new mum , it’s such a shame . I really do feel for you . I hope things get better ❤️‍🩹

@Shar12384 but it's not symmetrical as OP is dependent on MIL

How will things get worse for the MIL? She has country, community and culture on her side. The OP is a gain in with no money who lives at her MIL’s Grace and favour.

Practicing western culture is only going to make things worse for the OP. She’s the one with everything to lose.

🤣 Ur 💯 spot on. I don't know what that means. I thought she was English. I'll have to Google Gaijin. 🤜🤛