My mother in law wants to decide what to keep from a baby shower/donation.

[Gennah]

Hello everyone,

So I am currently living in Japan, and I live with my husband and mother in law. (It’s common to live with family especially when the baby comes so they can help)

I am 37 weeks pregnant now, and she has insisted that I keep all baby stuff in storage and refuses to let us use an empty room for a nursery. (Saying babies don’t need their own room)

I will be receiving a package today from my husband’s cousin which has second hand baby items. I was so excited to get it, but my mother in law said she is going to look through it and decide what to keep or throw away. (She also made me throw away a ton of clothes because she said I don’t need that many when I moved in. We can’t really afford to move out at this point considering the baby, maternity and paternity leave income cuts and my husband is going to inherit this house after she passes.)

I can’t help but feel angry about this. I am a first time mother and I appreciate help, but it’s my baby… I feel like I should have a say in what my baby will need or not need.

Considering the cultural differences and my feeling of inferiority to an experienced mother in law and elder, I am wondering if I am being unreasonable or if I am valid to feel the way I do.

Thank you for reading and for your thoughts.

Open the box when she isn’t around. If it arrives when she is around just say I will open it later, open it in the bedroom if you have to

Yes, good idea. The no fly rule is just for laughs right? Any reason why you’ve randomly chosen the UK as her destination? Or told her to head for family which she has already said she doesn’t have?

OP I think you really need to take advice from the posters who have firsthand experience of Japan and ignore the rest.

Coming at this from a western perspective of setting boundaries and asserting your individuality/autonomy is only going to make your life and your baby’s life more difficult.

I have no experience of Japan but it sounds as if the prejudice towards foreigners could extend to your mixed race child. Conforming to customs and cultural expectations will help them be accepted in the wider community

Did you meet your husband in Japan? Or did you move to Japan to be with him? I would be very annoyed with DH if he didn’t brief you on the culture and take you on holidays before moving permanently. Obviously you did your own research…but you don’t know what you don’t know. He needs to take some responsibility here.

I don’t think creating tensions with his mum will help in this case, it will only mark you as being different from the rest of the community. And as the foreigner, they’ll be less sympathetic/tolerant than they are of him. Do t get yourself into an even more difficult situation.

This is so bad. She needs to back off. But very tricky with cultural differences here. Try to get your husband to tell her to back off without him letting on that you’re upset?

I had a Japanese friend a while back and there was a very strong cultural expectation within the family that her MIL would raise the baby whilst my friend returned to work asap. MIL ruled the roost for sure, as had her own MIL before her.

The only way she got to raise her 2 DDs was when her DH got a job in the UK and they came over here. MIL was furious!

Could you engage your MIL in conversations about giving birth, the post natal period and raising a child in Japan? Come at it from the perspective that this is all new to you and you’d like her advice on the best way to do things.

She wants you to fit in and it will mean a lot to know you want to fit in too.

It also gives you an opportunity to discuss cultural differences without directly saying you want to follow your culture. This will help with any misunderstandings about how you (plural) raise the baby. “Mothers have 40 days rest to heal and focus on the baby. That’s lovely. We don’t have that at home and often new mums rush around hosting a stream of visitors. What is the custom around visits here”?

Be respectful. Be interested. Be willing To learn. But make MIL aware that things are done differently elsewhere any you are adapting as much as you can, but you may struggle with some things.

This thread is fascinating and some PPs have shown themselves to be very knowledgeable.

I do feel for the OP but like others have said I think she needs to deal with this "in the system" and not outside of it. I do hope @Gennah comes back to the thread and takes on board some of the really good advice from knowledgeable posters.

Obviously before the baby is born! Then japanese law won't rule. I'm with those who say go by boat to South Korea, talk to the embassy there and explain your predicament. If she gives birth in Japan she will be a hostage for life!! What a nightmare with Mil dictating the rules.

The situation may be far from ideal. But escaping on a boat whilst heavily pregnant sounds rather ridiculous. Is there any evidence that OP doesn’t love her husband? Maybe she is in love with him. Maybe he is her best friend. Maybe she wants to make a go of it in Japan. Maybe she doesn’t want to be a single mum.

OP, I guess over time, try to build other support networks. Meet other women in your position. I don’t know what the rules are in the future about possible work or voluntary work but try not to get too isolated.

I am an extremely independent person and would hate to go through what some women seem to have to in Japan. But it is probably time to now try and embrace the changes. I have too much clutter, so maybe try and see living a more minimalist life as a positive. At this stage getting angry and upset with everything will just make things worse for you.

Are there some good things about Japanese life? Are there any opportunities there which you would not get in the UK?

I honestly don’t think running away or fighting too much at this stage will be in your interest. I would embrace the small changes, try and achieve small concessions. And perhaps share with your mother-in-law what the Westen way might be and have a gentle discussion about the pros and cons of each culture. Perhaps with some humour if possible.

I wish you luck and I hope you can overcome the cross-cultural differences to at least a degree.

Having read through some of the responses but not all.

Yes, your feelings are valid, of course they are, you can’t change how you feel, but sounds like you are going to have control how you react.

Clothing for a baby is not really end of world stuff, so I would pick your battles. Sounds like you need to try and make friends with MIL as not sounding like anyone will be moving anytime soon.

Sounds a hard situation but you can either

1. make the best of it. Learn about Japanese culture and try and embrace the life you’ve chosen.
2. ask your husband to divorce you, but you do risk losing your child as he may want to keep the baby in Japan and it sounds nigh on impossible for a non Japanese person to live and work easily.
3. fight for the rest of life whilst living there, feeling miserable because it is unlikely your DH stance is going to change as he is acting how he has been taught by his upbringing and culture.

I’m Not saying any of this is “right” from a U.K. perspective, but you’re not in the U.K. so what we think is irrelevant.

I hope it all works out for you and you find happiness and peace.

This thread has made me understand exactly why the Japanese birth rate has fallen so rapidly.

Short answer, yes.
Long answer, also yes.

She has no family.

She is 37 weeks pregnant and will not be able to travel.

Japanese women, no, of course not. However, foreign women in Japan, most certainly.

Read the thread. Ain’t gonna happen. Western cultural outrage isn’t going to cut it.

Not to mention the fact that the Japanese embassy will pursue her relentlessly until the baby is returned.

Boat to where? North Korea? China? Russia? The only civilised places to which she can sail are South Korea and Phillipines, who are far more precious about keeping Japan, with USA backing, in good books over Chinese pretences in South China Sea than they are worried about a pregnant, especially foreign, woman not getting along with her MIL. She'd be turned back tout de suite and probably with a basket of fruit thrown in for good measure.

This is just preposterous. Read the bloody thread - especially the posts from people with actual experience of this. It’s a different culture, and as a foreigner if the OP pushes against it she’ll just make it worse. It’s not wrong, and no better or worse than Western culture, as has been explained numerous times upthread. It’s just different. OP chose this and as far as I can see has little choice but to accept it.

Even if she doesn’t give birth in Japan, in all likelihood the Japanese embassy will pursue her until the child is returned to its native country. There really is some crap advice on here, based on western values even after having it explained in very simple terms that Japanese culture is very different.

Nope. Not a controlling bitch. Of course it’s a cultural issue. Been explained often enough.

Not racist. Not repulsive. And replacing the word with the others you have suggested displays a complete lack of understanding or respect for a different culture - however unpalatable you find it. I’m sure there’s a lot in Western culture that Japanese people find just as hard to swallow. And people like myself aren’t expressing personal opinions (racist or otherwise) we are just trying to tell it like it is. Approaching this from an outraged point of view based on our own culture won’t help the OP.

in your situation I’d take out a credit card, but a flight for today to come back to the U.K. I’d pretend I was only 30w? Or whatever the maximum time was to fly.

I’d take the risk of going into labour on the plane.

If you’re a British citizen, your baby will be a British Citizen and you will be protected. Lots of people are unfortunately homeless in this country, but I’d rather be living in a homeless shelter temporarily than being trapped in that situation.

So you would have OP lie about her pregnancy take risks flying and come back to the UK where she and her baby would be homeless and reliant on benefits - not to mention being pursued by the Japanese embassy for the return of the child. And for what ? OP clearly loves her partner, who is bound by his own culture not to argue with a parent. She’s had some great advice here on how to negotiate the Japanese culture and make the best of it. The alternative you’ve suggested is bonkers.

You were very clearly talking about AFTER the baby was born. These are your exact words:

But if I were you I would be preparing to get out of there asap after the baby is born. Plan a trip with DH to see your parents and then do not go back. Don't tell DH. And keep baby's passport.

To all those clutching their pearls about the word ‘gaijin’, it is a word used every single day by anyone and everyone. One of the biggest job websites for foreigners is called Gaijinpot lol. It is what it is, a as a foreigner you are ALWAYS on the back foot in Japan, so you suck it up. If there ever has been a country in this planet that has won the preconception vs reality stakes by a country mile, it’s Japan!!