My mother in law wants to decide what to keep from a baby shower/donation.

[Gennah]

Hello everyone,

So I am currently living in Japan, and I live with my husband and mother in law. (It’s common to live with family especially when the baby comes so they can help)

I am 37 weeks pregnant now, and she has insisted that I keep all baby stuff in storage and refuses to let us use an empty room for a nursery. (Saying babies don’t need their own room)

I will be receiving a package today from my husband’s cousin which has second hand baby items. I was so excited to get it, but my mother in law said she is going to look through it and decide what to keep or throw away. (She also made me throw away a ton of clothes because she said I don’t need that many when I moved in. We can’t really afford to move out at this point considering the baby, maternity and paternity leave income cuts and my husband is going to inherit this house after she passes.)

I can’t help but feel angry about this. I am a first time mother and I appreciate help, but it’s my baby… I feel like I should have a say in what my baby will need or not need.

Considering the cultural differences and my feeling of inferiority to an experienced mother in law and elder, I am wondering if I am being unreasonable or if I am valid to feel the way I do.

Thank you for reading and for your thoughts.

Tell us you haven’t understood one word of this post, without telling us…………

I understand where you are coming from. What is unnerving to me is that the OP is about to have a baby and she sounds as if she has no agency at all!

She is worried about opening a package before her mother-in-law goes through it. A package meant for her and her baby.

She doesn’t come across as someone that is surrounded by love or support in Japan either.

I would personally move heaven and earth to give birth back home. Somewhere where the systems and law favour her and she would have agency over her own life and child.

I'd be upset at not being able to choose which baby items I could keep too. That must be really upsetting.

So does cultural difference trump everything else? There is no moral right or wrong just culture? I disagree. Domestic abusers first trap the victim - get them pregnant and vulnerable - then give them no way to escape. That’s what’s happening here. The OP at least has her own cultural difference which means she can see this is wrong. If her husband loves her then he would help her out of this situation. She needs to talk to him about it fast.

You need to consider the child's citizenship and your rights over child should your marriage break down, forget everything else for now and understand what you may have given up by agreeing to give birth there. Is there any way you can change and get help from your country's consulate ?

And it can be a support system as much as it is a prison.

im not saying its great but its the life she has chosen and its the life she’s got. She needs to find a way to make it work for her…

this hasn’t randomly happened…she married a Japanese man while living in Japan and then tried for a baby with him. Ie is building a life in Japan
running away isn’t an answer

this thread is bizarre and actually demonstrates how extreme western individualism has got.

She’d be getting more balanced advice if she was in Croydon…

everyone knows if your mil is providing your housing you need to put up and shut up. Her house, her rules. Etc

If she was going to flee Japan 🙄 she should have done it 5 months ago…. or before she got pregnant
now she needs to make the best of it that doesn’t mean culture trumps alllll but you have to work with what you’ve got.
There’s plenty of mid ground between having no volition at all and abandoning the father of your child…

This is really sad, she’s taking all the joy from you. You need to make a stand now.

I think you should try and very firmly but politely state that you very much appreciated her help, and respect her culture but she needs to also respect that your child also in part belongs to another culture. That you have the right to look through these things and that you not doing so would actually be pretty disrespectful to your friends and relatives. You are going to have to find a way to be assertive and polite and find a bridge both ways otherwise having a child.is going to be very, very stressful because it gets harder!

Could you...

. Speak with your DH and see if he would agree to moving out on your own
. Find a community of western expats on facebook/social media and ask their advice, they will have local knowledge and will probably have experience navigating the same issues you are facing.

. Speak with the British embassy in Japan? Not sure whether they could provide any advice...I'm not sure how they operate in Japan, however, and whether this is sensible or not but expats living in Japan should have a better understanding

I wish you all the best OP, sounds like a really tricky situation. I think building your own community for support with western women in a similar situation to you is your best bet right now. As well as trying to get your DH on side.

I don’t actually believe every woman in Japan is living in this sort of situation. Someone earlier mentioned how Japanese women have so many opportunities for education and travel and yet I see only a prison here for this woman. Surely she can work in future and she and her husband can get their own home?

Maybe she fell in love with a Japanese man but that doesn’t mean she gives up all her own freedoms. Looking for ferry tickets may sound an extreme response but the idea she just gives in to domestic servitude and accepts she has no control over the child growing inside her is also pretty extreme.

Agreed

Sounds horrific. Such a pity at 37 weeks, it’s too late to fly home.

The clothes are the least of your problems. You won’t have any say about your own baby and it sounds like you will be trapped there should your marriage break down.

Is there any way you can get out of the country before the birth? I’d seriously be considering it so dad has no right to keep it in Japan.

I think you need to have a difficult conversation with her and your DH. It will be tough but I think you need to do it.

Remind them that this is a mixed marriage and your culture is as important as theirs so you will be using elements of your culture in raising this child - which will include making decisions about their clothes.

When the package gets to you - rush to open it up. Be very enthusiastic, overly so.
If MiL says anything to you or takes stuff away, tell her no, one of the rites of passage for <insert your culture here> is that you get to enjoy these few last weeks and you nest. Part of that is 'feathering' your nest with the new items (at least new to you) for these last few weeks.
If she respects you, as the mother to her future grandchild, she will allow this.

Someone earlier mentioned how Japanese women have so many opportunities for education and travel and yet I see only a prison here for this woman.

1. Because she's not Japanese and in Japan, that severely limits what opportunities you have.

1. Because she's 37 weeks pregnant which limits travel options for every woman.

1. Because she lives with her mother-in-law in her mother-in-law's house. Living in someone else's house will always limit your freedom to do what you want.

OP you are asking this mumsnet community for permission to feel upset and angry at your MIL and posters are largely giving it to you, but you don’t live in this community you live with your MIL on whom you rely very heavily, in her house which may or may not eventually become the house of your DH. And MIL has every right to limit the space you take up for your baby, especially when ingrained cultural conventions mean that space in Japanese homes is incredibly limited. And their culture is very strong. (I have a Japanese friend and it’s wonderful to learn her ways but sometimes there are misunderstandings and it’s easy to offend her without me realising)

The early advice you received about laying down the law to your MIL is only going to antagonise her…. the person who is housing you. Try not to risk. Certainly don’t go in all guns blazing as if you have alternatives as it seems you don’t or you would have already taken them.

You are in a very vulnerable position with your lack of understanding of your DH’s culture and it’s now too late to leave Japan.
You have to try little ways to make things better for yourself.

So I would try your best to compromise and conform as much as possible to stay on the right side of MIL.
Try to stay calm and create as little stress for yourself as possible.
Appeal to your husband and MIL by asking for their understanding when you make mistakes.

Then also look online for support as already suggested. I am sure there will be lots of helpful advice borne out of hard-earned experience on how to try to blend the two cultures for your little one.

You need a place to release the frustration while you learn the language and the culture. And it’s vital to develop friendships with young mums of your own culture and language. That’s something you can start to do in the next three weeks.

Gradually it will all become less alien and less traumatic and you can then help others in the same boat.

I hope in time that the spare room will be given over to you for your baby. And I hope it’s not too long before you can get your own place altogether. Good luck !

@MeowCatPleaseMeowBack
Because she's not Japanese and in Japan, that severely limits what opportunities you have.

Yep, racism.

Be strong and try to be more assertive and less submissive. Explain to mother-in-law that YOU will decide what to keep out of the gifts. She is used to getting her own way, that does not have to include riding roughshod over your wishes. You must do something now or your life will be an absolute misery, she will try to take over your and your baby's lives.

Surely if any of us goes to a country with a completely different way of life / culture the it's incumbent on the individual to try to fit in

Having lived abroad I would agree but why can we not make similar statements about coming to live in this country without the usual 'isms' being trotted out?
It always seems to be the case that every other culture can exert itself except ours!

You really need to RTFT. Posters who are familiar with Japanese culture, laws and politics have explained why abducting the baby is not a good idea. See @FluentRubyDog’s posts especially. There’s a lot of detail in them and explanations.

I really agree with this op. You sound like a hostage. You can gather your important documents and pack a small bag and get on a plane to your family in the uk tomorrow. Have the baby there.
IF your marriage is strong your husband will come and find you and work things out but it will be so so so much easier for you if you get out now than when the baby is there. Go tomorrow and lie and tell the airline you're 34 weeks.

It’s like you haven’t read any of the posts from people who understand the Japanese culture and family structure.

Your advice is the exact opposite of what they have recommended and will make OP’s life infinitely harder.

You can’t abduct a child that’s unborn and in your uterus. Either they treat you with respect and love or you scrape together whatever cash you have and get on a boat out of there.

Arghhh

She isnt from the uk

She isnt going to find a doctor who will give her fit to fly at 37 weeks

She doesnt have any.family in her home country

And how in gods name is her husband going to spend thousands (in flights and unpaid leave) traipsing across the world after her when they are so poor they cannot afford rent and all this is about some.2nd hand baby clothes

What parallel universe are you all in?

@LoneAndLoco

"I don’t actually believe every woman in Japan is living in this sort of situation. Someone earlier mentioned how Japanese women have so many opportunities for education and travel."

Yes they do but it changes once they marry and, in any event, you're talking about the higher echelons of society. Japanese culture is impenetrable. It's well known for it. What we see on the surface (fashion, pop music, people getting pissed whilst singing karaoke) is just a western gloss. Ancient traditions are never far below. It is a society built on duty and deference to one's elders, to authority, to the Emperor. The OP's husband is categorically not going to change and she will have to learn to adapt if she wants a happy life.