My mother in law wants to decide what to keep from a baby shower/donation.

[Gennah]

Hello everyone,

So I am currently living in Japan, and I live with my husband and mother in law. (It’s common to live with family especially when the baby comes so they can help)

I am 37 weeks pregnant now, and she has insisted that I keep all baby stuff in storage and refuses to let us use an empty room for a nursery. (Saying babies don’t need their own room)

I will be receiving a package today from my husband’s cousin which has second hand baby items. I was so excited to get it, but my mother in law said she is going to look through it and decide what to keep or throw away. (She also made me throw away a ton of clothes because she said I don’t need that many when I moved in. We can’t really afford to move out at this point considering the baby, maternity and paternity leave income cuts and my husband is going to inherit this house after she passes.)

I can’t help but feel angry about this. I am a first time mother and I appreciate help, but it’s my baby… I feel like I should have a say in what my baby will need or not need.

Considering the cultural differences and my feeling of inferiority to an experienced mother in law and elder, I am wondering if I am being unreasonable or if I am valid to feel the way I do.

Thank you for reading and for your thoughts.

My husband and I are from very different cultures/races. It has been a marriage of 30 years based on education and compromise. We have taken the best bits of each other’s cultures and used them to live pretty decent life and to raise our children. I honestly think our lives have been richer because of of it, so I don’t recommend going in all guns blazing.

And some understanding and patience go a long way. Obviously, I am not talking about anything dangerous or abusive. Sometimes we have different ways of doing things and if you talk it through politely and with room for compromise, the end result can be pretty good.

Honestly? I think most people are at least slightly naive about "the intricacies" of their spouse's culture, at least in the early years.

The point here is that if the OP had moved to, say, Saudi Arabia, I think most people's reaction would be, "What on earth were you thinking, moving to Saudi Arabia?"

Japan doesn't have the same reputation but perhaps it should.

I don't think many people realise what a hostile place Japan is for people like the OP. I daresay if she joins some of those Facebook groups she'll hear a few horror stories.

In the UK, signs on properties to let saying, "No blacks, no Irish" are a thing of the past. Not only is this illegal discrimination but most people agree that the attitudes behind it have no place in a modern, civilised country. But when the Japanese treat people the same way it's just excused as "Japanese culture".

Racism is racism! A white woman can’t find housing? Yep, that’s racism.

Talk to the British Embassy in SK obviously 🙄. And not about clothing which is the least of OP's problems. A Mil who decides to live with them and dictate their life, I don't think OP wad prepared for that and if she wants her freedom back she has to give birth elsewhere. But I think you're "misunderstanding" on purpose so I probably shouldn't feed the troll...

It's also not true 🙄

I’m not trolling. I’m completely baffled as to why you think the British embassy in South Korea will be interested in OP’s MIL’s overbearing attitude towards baby clothes clutter.

The British embassy in South Korea WILL NOT see this as an emergency situation for goodness sake, because it isn't!

OK, that’s interesting. So she could find housing? So many “experts” on Japan here are saying it’s impossible.

The poster who said about taking the best of both cultures in a mixed marriage had a point. If her husband loves her (and if he realises how hard this is for her) he will try to help and find some sort of compromise. The “experts” seem to be saying he wouldn’t stand up to the MIL but a man who loved his wife would be trying to make her feel happy with their living arrangements.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

I don't think people are using Japanese culture as an excuse, or saying they agree with all aspects of it.

I'm certainly very uncomfortable with the misogyny.

That said they are trying to help the OP (assuming she is still reading the thread) to deal with the reality of the situation she is in and make choices (that we acknowledge are very different to how "we" would want to behave/react as western women) that does not jeopardise her (fairly precarious, it has to be said without the support of her DH and MIL) circumstances.

In large part this is a case of having made your bed, having to lie in it. What most posters are trying to do is ensure that bed is as comfortable as possible.

Also regarding the suggestion to just "hop over to South Korea and give birth there" have you considered (outside of the factory that this is very very far from an "asylum" type situation)

a) the OP has no right to reside in South Korea
b) the OP has no right to healthcare in South Korea and no insurance company is insuring a 37 weeks pregnant woman without copays so she could be looking at a hell of a medical bill

So there are 2.5million Gaijin living in Japan. They all have housing somehow....there are foreigner friendly letting agencies who specialise in assisting people who are not Japanese find housing.

But all of this assumption that the OP should leave her husband/flee the country before the birth/ "make a stand" instead of compromise with some pretty minor cultural differences between her and her MIL are absurd.

Talk about an escalation.

However just in case the OP DOES decide to leave her husband over this, my advice would be to hang on until 2026, as there is to be a change in custody laws to allow shared custody for the first time.

https://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2024/05/17/japan/crime-legal/japan-revises-law-to-allow-joint-custody/

Ah yes. My ex was the youngest of 3 boys. His parents were absolutely lovely with me always. They are not on speaking terms with the (Japanese ) wife of their eldest son, who lives next door.

There may well be some truth to this. But you never know...

OK so she has a job and could find housing and there is also very cheap childcare if she goes back to work. So….if she was so miserable living with her MIL she could leave and live elsewhere in Japan. Or she and her husband together could leave if they love each other. It might be a pinch to do it but if the MIL is smothering they might have to. There is no point at all in living in a house just because you might one day inherit it. Her MIL might live for decades more and anyway even I wouldn’t be wishing her dead!

There’s a reason most couples prefer to live in their own homes away from parents. It’s best to be a free agent in your own household. She should explain this to her husband.

I don’t think it’s a precarious position to be pregnant and married - it shouldn’t be! She’s not just got herself knocked up (her bed and should lie in it comments) she has entered into a marriage contract that works both ways. She should be looked after.

i am married to the Japanese oldest son. And I have a lot less problems than some of my Japanese friends. Honestly it is case by case but yeah usually the oldest sons wive will look after the parents and in return they have the house and land . Luckily my husbands family have 0 expections put on me. some MIL are lovely but we don’t live in the same house . I do worry about them getting older but I worry about the same thing with my mum too .

And however much you rail against it it remains part of a culture that is alien to our own. For the thousandth time, coming at it from a western point of view is not going to help the OP. It will make things worse, however outraged you are.

FFS !! This is not our culture. She will be looked after. But not if she’s in constant confrontation with elders. This has been explained numerous times - why don’t you understand ?|

I’ve lived in Japan so get how culturally different it is. But you either need to go with the flow, escape, or nip this in the bud now if you possibly can. in the UK this would be a DH problem but I know it’s not that straightforward over there.

Research it. Gaijin housing is shared facilities with little privacy. Would you want that for yourself and your child ? You have little understanding of the situation OP is in, because once again you are coming at it from a western point of view.

Makes you wonder why a Japanese man would choose to marry a foreigner! He must have seen some merit in her!

Don’t be ridiculous. SK are only interested in preserving relations with Japan.