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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

FFS why don't you drive ??

1000 replies

nextdoorconundrum · 15/08/2024 19:43

So annoying to read threads on here that start with .. I don't drive .. my dp/DH does ..

Why why this is even a thing ? Does benefit of penis somehow render them more able to? Does their testosterone somehow benefit their abilities.. or is it simply something men regard as an essential in life ?

Before you all pile on .. yes there are certain disabilities that count you out . Severely visually impaired.. uncontrolled epilepsy.. but when one of my best mates who has spina bifida managed it with a hand controlled car via motability.. I think perhaps it's just not trying hard enough and happy for the man to do the driving .. even my autistic step son (severe - (special school until 21) got his license..

There is only one reason I can think not to bother - and that is because you are city dwellers with excellent public transportation .. but the rest of you .. why ? It just seems so 'weedy' .

OP posts:
northernballer · 16/08/2024 12:46

nextdoorconundrum · 15/08/2024 19:43

So annoying to read threads on here that start with .. I don't drive .. my dp/DH does ..

Why why this is even a thing ? Does benefit of penis somehow render them more able to? Does their testosterone somehow benefit their abilities.. or is it simply something men regard as an essential in life ?

Before you all pile on .. yes there are certain disabilities that count you out . Severely visually impaired.. uncontrolled epilepsy.. but when one of my best mates who has spina bifida managed it with a hand controlled car via motability.. I think perhaps it's just not trying hard enough and happy for the man to do the driving .. even my autistic step son (severe - (special school until 21) got his license..

There is only one reason I can think not to bother - and that is because you are city dwellers with excellent public transportation .. but the rest of you .. why ? It just seems so 'weedy' .

I can't drive, medical reasons, and I honestly cannot understand why anyone would choose not to. It massively impacts my life and every day I think about how much easier my life would be if I could drive!

taxguru · 16/08/2024 12:50

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 16/08/2024 12:40

I know. My family are very willing to try. But some of it is just things they can't get their heads around. Or they struggle to see the apps on their phones, or start to get worried by all the scams they hear about and don't understand the workings of.

Hence the reason to start early, start with easy things, build up confidence and skills, etc over several years, go with the flow, rather than stick your fingers in your ears chanting la-la-la and ignoring tech until you have to use it, 10/20 years later, when it's a real struggle and instead of small changes, you end up having to undertake major changes in one go.

My mother was using debit/credit cards in the 80s, did telephone banking in the 90s, got her first mobile and laptop in the 00s and using the internet around a decade ago for shopping etc. She was born in 1924! So she was in her 70s when doing telephone banking and 80s using a mobile phone, and 90s doing internet and online shopping! When we bought our first computer in 1980 (Sinclair ZX80, she was 56!) she was as keen as we were to learn how to program it, play games, etc. As soon as "holes in the wall" appeared, she started using them rather than getting cash over the counter, etc. Basically, even in her later years, she just did the "little and often" approach to tech. She was happily using apps in her 90s! Fair enough, she still had her marbles and wasn't struck down with dementia, but she just kept up with things and happy to change her ways and do things differently, with minimal help. If she'd had left us alone with the ZX80, ignored cash machines, etc back in the 80s, she probably wouldn't have moved onto telephone banking, computing/internet etc quite so easily in later years.

Technology IS happening, whether we like it or not, so you need to adapt, embrace it, etc., at your earliest years, whilst you have mental capacity to adapt and learn new skills etc. It's inevitable, so why fight it? You're only going to harm yourself when you get left behind.

Anyotherdude · 16/08/2024 12:55

I only drive because it’s a necessary evil, and I only learned to drive after three years of marriage where my DH did all the driving before then.
I think you’ll find, OP, that it’s to do with necessity. If I was a SAHM, and did the bulk of the housework and childcare, for example, I would gladly not drive and offload the shopping and child-ferrying to the OH!
There must be a million reasons why some people don’t see any need to learn - everyone is different!

NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 16/08/2024 12:56

I don’t drive because I spent a long time trying to learn and was terrible at it. I never even got put in for my test. I could have wasted more and more time and money on lessons, but instead I accepted that some people just shouldn’t be on the road. It’s safer for me and everyone else.

I’m not married, so I don’t rely on a man to do the driving. I also won’t find myself stranded because I never even looked at public transport options when choosing a house, having never considered that the day might come when my health meant I couldn’t drive anymore.

This country would be a lot better off if the roads weren’t full of drivers who scraped through their tests after several attempts.

Geometrictriangle · 16/08/2024 12:57

I drive, my partner can but chooses not to, as he doesn’t like driving. So I do all the driving us around.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/08/2024 13:00

nextdoorconundrum · 15/08/2024 22:07

Not angry in the slightest. Just frustrated by MN posts that start .. I don't drive .. DH/dp does ... and then a massive whine about how tricky it is to move kids and self from a-b..

That is why I made this post about households that have a car but often one partner (most frequently the woman) appears so passive about driving ..

It is not about driving if you live in a well connected city

Or about not being able to afford it because you don't have a car ..

It's about those who live in areas that require a car AND have one in their household BUT only one partner is able to utilise it .

Well - I did answer your question, @nextdoorconundrum.

As I said, I can drive and have access to a car, but I rarely go out (long covid making me pretty housebound), and when I do, if dh is coming too, he drives because he prefers driving to being driven (not just by me - he knows I am a competent driver - but by anyone), and I’m not bothered either way, so he drives.

To be honest, I don’t blame people who don’t want to learn to drive nowadays. I have been driving since my 30s (I’m 60 this year), and the increased amount of traffic in the roads, plus the aggressive way some people (too many people) drive, the difficulty in finding parking and the sheer cost of motoring makes it a much harder and scarier thing to learn.

Beezknees · 16/08/2024 13:02

localnotail · 16/08/2024 11:34

I assume you are either live somewhere where you dont need to drive, or use taxis? You would have been helpless if you lived in a village with no corner shop and did not drive.

Yes. But I would never move to a village with no public transport in the first place! I wouldn't put myself in that position.

Beezknees · 16/08/2024 13:06

taxguru · 16/08/2024 12:20

My son lives in a major Northern city. He's had to buy a car because the buses are inconvenient and unreliable. Before he signed up for the flat, he checked it was on a bus route, it's in a major residential area just within the by pass. In the event, the buses are absolute crap and he was late for work at least twice a week because his bus simply didn't turn up and the next one was late. The buses back from town finish too early to be useful for him to use after football matches or cinema trips etc. Hourly bus service on Sunday and the last back from town is a stupidly early 6pm! So, yes, it's "possible" to get around by public transport, but he'd end up losing his job because he was turning up late too often and he'd have no evening social life at all. Even the park and ride he sometimes drives to has last bus out of town at 6pm and car park closed and barriered at 7pm! This isn't some hick village or small town. It's a major Northern city! There's basically only a handful of cities in the Country with adequate public transport comparable with London - most cities and large towns have very limited public transport if you work full time and want some kind of evening social life.

I live in a medium size town in Nottingham. The buses here are great. They run 24 hours. Trent Barton bus company.

taxguru · 16/08/2024 13:09

Beezknees · 16/08/2024 13:02

Yes. But I would never move to a village with no public transport in the first place! I wouldn't put myself in that position.

Things change. I've lived in our village for 27 years. Back then we had a good bus service straight through the village, a school, numerous shops, 3 pubs, etc. Over the years, there's been gradual removal of all that.

My mother lived in an outlying housing area on the edge of town. When she moved there, shops were everywhere, on street corners etc, 3 or 4 precincts with post offices, newsagents, greengrocers, butchers, etc. By the time she died, all that had gone and she was reliant on lifts to get her to the big supermarket 3 miles away!

We actually had a family newsagent in the 70s. On a precinct with all the other usual shops. By the time we sold it in the 90s we were the last shop standing - all the others had closed!

Things change!

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 16/08/2024 13:09

taxguru · 16/08/2024 12:50

Hence the reason to start early, start with easy things, build up confidence and skills, etc over several years, go with the flow, rather than stick your fingers in your ears chanting la-la-la and ignoring tech until you have to use it, 10/20 years later, when it's a real struggle and instead of small changes, you end up having to undertake major changes in one go.

My mother was using debit/credit cards in the 80s, did telephone banking in the 90s, got her first mobile and laptop in the 00s and using the internet around a decade ago for shopping etc. She was born in 1924! So she was in her 70s when doing telephone banking and 80s using a mobile phone, and 90s doing internet and online shopping! When we bought our first computer in 1980 (Sinclair ZX80, she was 56!) she was as keen as we were to learn how to program it, play games, etc. As soon as "holes in the wall" appeared, she started using them rather than getting cash over the counter, etc. Basically, even in her later years, she just did the "little and often" approach to tech. She was happily using apps in her 90s! Fair enough, she still had her marbles and wasn't struck down with dementia, but she just kept up with things and happy to change her ways and do things differently, with minimal help. If she'd had left us alone with the ZX80, ignored cash machines, etc back in the 80s, she probably wouldn't have moved onto telephone banking, computing/internet etc quite so easily in later years.

Technology IS happening, whether we like it or not, so you need to adapt, embrace it, etc., at your earliest years, whilst you have mental capacity to adapt and learn new skills etc. It's inevitable, so why fight it? You're only going to harm yourself when you get left behind.

Are you a man?? Because you talk as though you have all the answers regardless of what anyone else says.

The post you quoted I said they were "very willing to try". And yet you've told me they need to....try.

CautionaryTaleGirl · 16/08/2024 13:09

taxguru · 16/08/2024 12:41

Yes, but you actually need public transport that is feasible to use, which in a lot of places, and for a lot of people, simply isn't there.

For those can can live their lives on public transport without cadging lifts, then fair enough, you do you.

But public transport users need to realise that for a lot of people, it's simply not convenient, or virtually non existent, hence why they drive.

Not difficult to understand the difference. But yes, people are right to criticise drivers who could use public transport because they live in a city with good options. They're wrong to criticise car drivers who don't have good public transport options.

Absolutely this.

We moved to this town 5 years ago and one of the factors involved in our choice was public transport.

We have a railway station linking directly to 2 cities and lots of various bus routes.

Both my DH and I have eyesight issues and may not be able to drive in the future.

In addition I got rid of my car about 6 months ago for a combination of reasons, environmental, financial and not liking driving. I am now relying on public transport and walking. So far it hasn't been difficult at all but I recognise that we are lucky in what we have here.

I also don't feel anger towards people who have made different life choices than me, unlike some on this thread.

PotatoPie111 · 16/08/2024 13:11

I live in a large northern town. When I was growing up you could get everywhere by bus. Now you are lucky if they turn up and they amalgamate routes so they take hours.

Before I drove I had a job in a nearby village. Took one bus there. They then changed all the timetables and it would take 3 buses. So I quit. It added nearly an hour to the journey and it was 2 bus companies so increased the cost as well.
If I drove it would have been 20 minutes. so I passed my test.

Beezknees · 16/08/2024 13:15

taxguru · 16/08/2024 13:09

Things change. I've lived in our village for 27 years. Back then we had a good bus service straight through the village, a school, numerous shops, 3 pubs, etc. Over the years, there's been gradual removal of all that.

My mother lived in an outlying housing area on the edge of town. When she moved there, shops were everywhere, on street corners etc, 3 or 4 precincts with post offices, newsagents, greengrocers, butchers, etc. By the time she died, all that had gone and she was reliant on lifts to get her to the big supermarket 3 miles away!

We actually had a family newsagent in the 70s. On a precinct with all the other usual shops. By the time we sold it in the 90s we were the last shop standing - all the others had closed!

Things change!

I wouldn't live in a village full stop.

I live in a commuter town where many people use public transport to get to the city centres for work. There are 4 different bus services that run in my town, plus a train station. I've got Asda and Tesco superstores a 10 minute walk away from my house and they've just built a Lidl down the road. I think I'll be fine.

BunnyLake · 16/08/2024 13:16

ShelfService · 16/08/2024 12:36

Yes I would hate to live somewhere cut-off from services. I am lucky with where I live in London. Not everyone has a choice of course.

Although not in London I’m a five minute walk from my high street, about 7 min walk to the train station and a three minute walk to a bus stop. I live in a nice quiet area but it has very good amenities. I couldn’t imagine living where there aren’t any amenities within an easy ten minute walk. Even if I had a car I’d rarely use it where I live.

NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 16/08/2024 13:22

taxguru · 16/08/2024 12:08

That's fine if you're in London or another big city with good public transport. Most people don't live in London and a handful of other big cities so don't have the same access to cheap and frequent public transport options.

But that doesn’t make those of us who do live in those places “pathetic and lacking in responsibility”. We’ve just planned for the lives we actually have rather than some theoretical one in a rural village or tiny market town.

BunnyLake · 16/08/2024 13:23

CautionaryTaleGirl · 16/08/2024 13:09

Absolutely this.

We moved to this town 5 years ago and one of the factors involved in our choice was public transport.

We have a railway station linking directly to 2 cities and lots of various bus routes.

Both my DH and I have eyesight issues and may not be able to drive in the future.

In addition I got rid of my car about 6 months ago for a combination of reasons, environmental, financial and not liking driving. I am now relying on public transport and walking. So far it hasn't been difficult at all but I recognise that we are lucky in what we have here.

I also don't feel anger towards people who have made different life choices than me, unlike some on this thread.

When I move I always take into consideration that I won’t be driving. I do think it’s silly to live somewhere rural with no local walkable amenities if you’re not going to drive, but I’d never do that.

NowImNotDoingIt · 16/08/2024 13:25

The other added expense of driving, is if the driver actually needs their car to work. Then it's not only lessons and tests, but a whole other car and all the associated costs.

OH drives and needs his car for work. Sometimes he works away so I only see the car at the weekend. I say see, because I rarely get in it anyway. With him being gone so much for so long (worked away for nearly 3 years) I just got used to working it all out by myself.

Maddy70 · 16/08/2024 13:35

Its super expensive tonlearn to drive. Its a skill that bypasses many due to the cost of both learning and then running a car

In some cities a car is very inconvenient too. Where can it be parked etc?

Yabu. And other people's lifestyle choices have nothing to do with you

Ilovemycatalot · 16/08/2024 13:47

Maybe it’s because men are more interested in cars than women in general?
I can’t drive failed four tests and ran out of money. I’m now a lone parent and can’t afford it but as a passenger the amount of unsafe drivers I’ve encountered is quite scary you really have to be on the ball every second whilst driving as there is always some idiot pulling out or driving so bad you honestly wonder how they ever passed a test.

NPET · 16/08/2024 13:47

Having read thru all of this I thought I better add another post. I'm 20, I've been driving for 3 years. I live on the outskirts of London. If I'm going INTO London I use the train as I think everyone should. If I'm going to work (Epsom) or other places away from the centre, I drive. I think that ALL women (who are able to) should drive. Before I could drive I HATED having to rely on others to take me to/from parties etc. If I drive (& don't drink!) I can decide when & how & if I want to leave. It's also safer, not having to rely on boys or men to cart you about - partly because of worrying about the bloke's intentions, partly because being a woman I'm a better driver anyway!

IsItWickedNotToCare · 16/08/2024 13:53

I tried, paid for lessons, passed test first time but never got over fear and anxiety about driving, never felt relaxed behind wheel and with age felt increasingly panicky to point where I felt it was better for me and other people on the road if I didn't drive. Have worked and earned own money for 25 years and manage in all other areas of life, just never felt confident driving. Wish I could as it would make life a lot easier and open up work opportunities for me but just can't face it now. Don't think this makes me less of a person just because I suffer anxiety about this in particular.

CornflakesOnTheSolesOfHerShoes · 16/08/2024 13:58

Wowee, the unwarranted vitriol is slightly staggering here. Thanks for the honesty, I suppose…
I’ll take the hit OP. I’m your target for this one: DH drives, I can’t, and we live in a village. It’s not ideal, and we wouldn’t have planned it this way, but it’s fine. I lived in big cities till I was 30, never needed to drive and knew I was likely to struggle with it. Started learning when we had DC, spent five years and I dread to think how much money giving it my best possible shot, and failed the test over 10 times. I just can’t do it - I have no spatial awareness, no way of judging speed and distances, no coordination and found the whole thing terrifying. I overcame all the that enough to get to the point where a succession of teachers felt I was test ready, but always managed to blow it. Everyone around me was pushing me to keep going, but eventually it was blindingly obvious that I don’t belong on the road.
During this stage we moved because of a new job, and the city where it was based turned out to be unaffordable so we ended up in a village. Obviously we factored in public transport when choosing it, but we also assumed I’d eventually be able to drive, which hasn’t happened. But we manage fine - I cycle and take the bus and train, plus taxis when necessary, the kids walk/bus to school, and DH drives when he’s around and we need him to. Yes, friends have kindly offered the occasional lift to children’s parties etc which I gratefully accept, but it’s not frequent and I never expect it. Sure, my kids have spent longer waiting at rainy bus stops than their friends - but they’re also a lot more confident at getting around independently now than their friends who have never been on a bus. Driving might well make my life easier, but it doesn’t happen to be something I can do, and that’s ok with me. Really don’t know why it’s not ok with you.

Skippingropes · 16/08/2024 14:05

It's interesting how personally some are taking a strangers post on the Internet. Sure the point is to discuss things, put different points across etc, but why do some feel so personally attacked?

ShelfService · 16/08/2024 14:05

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 16/08/2024 13:09

Are you a man?? Because you talk as though you have all the answers regardless of what anyone else says.

The post you quoted I said they were "very willing to try". And yet you've told me they need to....try.

That poster has chosen to ignore similar comments on my posts! She is reading what she wants to read it seems.

ShelfService · 16/08/2024 14:10

taxguru · 16/08/2024 13:09

Things change. I've lived in our village for 27 years. Back then we had a good bus service straight through the village, a school, numerous shops, 3 pubs, etc. Over the years, there's been gradual removal of all that.

My mother lived in an outlying housing area on the edge of town. When she moved there, shops were everywhere, on street corners etc, 3 or 4 precincts with post offices, newsagents, greengrocers, butchers, etc. By the time she died, all that had gone and she was reliant on lifts to get her to the big supermarket 3 miles away!

We actually had a family newsagent in the 70s. On a precinct with all the other usual shops. By the time we sold it in the 90s we were the last shop standing - all the others had closed!

Things change!

By the time she died, all that had gone and she was reliant on lifts to get her to the big supermarket 3 miles away!

Why didn’t your mum drive? Surely she should have started early and built up confidence as per your comment below?

Hence the reason to start early, start with easy things, build up confidence and skills, etc over several years, go with the flow, rather than stick your fingers in your ears chanting la-la-la

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