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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude my friend from a holiday because she's got a boy?

574 replies

brownmouse · 16/04/2008 12:37

regular here blah blah (we need an acronym for this )

I have a small group of 4 friends, we all have 1 child of the same age (5)

One of us has a boy

I am arranging a summer break for us all but the three of us with girls really don't want the other person coming along. The girls play nicely together while we sit around talking. The boy is loud and whacks the girls and is constantly full of energy, and is constantly knocking into us, interupting our conversation.

We'd like a summer BREAK where we sit around while the girls play. If we invite the mum-of-boy it won't be a break, it will be noisy and stressful.

Should we arrange it and exclude her, or just invite her and accept that it will just be a child-focussed holiday?

OP posts:
SSSandy2 · 16/04/2008 13:10

but if she is well aware of how he is and how you all feel about, I'm a bit surprised she'd expect you all to want to travel together

Mamazon · 16/04/2008 13:11

I would be livid if i had offered to pay for damage but been refused and yet you still got huffy about having to pay for it.

I really do think you should make your excuses to this woman and end teh friendship. she deserves to find friends who accepting of her and her child

jellybeans · 16/04/2008 13:12

This makes me feel abit uncomfortable. Some kids are more annoying to be around if they are bositrous and break stuff but i would not exclude one from a holiday. Maybe with all this encouragement for 'the girls to play nicely together' he senses he is abit left out? I have 2 boys and 2 girls and DD was th most boistrous by a mile. My 5 year old boys play lovely with most people inc girls, i think to just want a nice bunch of girls is leaving him out due to his gender and it is unfair! Boys are fab.

Ledodgy · 16/04/2008 13:13

Either all go away without the children or all go away with all the children. It is really mean spirited to leave this lady and her little boy out especially when there is just a small group of friends and she is the only one being excluded. For four days I can guarantee that three girls will NOT all play nicely there will be arguments and snideness in which you'll have to constantly intervene anyway.

MascaraOHara · 16/04/2008 13:13

if the 3 of them excluded you (without any explanation as I'm assuming you won't be calling her to explain she;s not invited as you don't like her child) how exactly do you think you would feel. I know I would be gutted to hear my friends had all gone away without me and not said anything and I'd also be gutted if they went a way and told me they had purposelly exluded me.

OrmIrian · 16/04/2008 13:14

I think it would signal to me that the friendship was over.

CrackerOfNuts · 16/04/2008 13:14

Personally, if I was your friend, I would be absolutly gutted.

SmugColditz · 16/04/2008 13:14

Oh how awful she must feel when she is around you and the others. It's very very hard for mothers of very active children to socialise.

How would you feel if you found out you had been excluded from a holiday with some other mothers who have cheerful little boys because your daughter whines all the time? And their reasoning was that they wouldn't enjoy themselves if she was there, spoiling their fun?

Does it sound any nicer when I put it like that?

I doubt it...

Ledodgy · 16/04/2008 13:15

OY Connortraceptive!! I started a thread for you ages ago did you have the baby? How are you?

Tutter · 16/04/2008 13:17

ds1 often duffed up by girls

yabfekingu

floaty · 16/04/2008 13:17

I accept that it is possible that actually this is a problem with this particular child and not because ihe is a boy but the title of this thread suggests otherwise.I am afraid that you are in danger of comming accross as a SMOG (smug mother of girl).

Tutter · 16/04/2008 13:17

oops missing c

ruty · 16/04/2008 13:17

life isn't perfect. ds can be quite grumpy at times [out of shyness or nerves] and i have been told by one mother that she doesn't want him around her ds because it hurts her ds's feelings. I was so I didn't know what to say. We have children round who can be bossy to ds, who can be destructive in the house, who can be lovely and polite and who can be a blinking nightmare. I refuse to exclude any child or parent of child who is a friend. That's just awful. Sorry. It would be incredibly hurtful for this mum if she found out what you were doing.

TheFallenMadonna · 16/04/2008 13:18

Although I do understand your motives, and it will be a shame for everyone else to miss out, I really think you have no choice but to change your plans. You are a group of 4. She is already different in that she is the only one with a boy. And the only one with a boisterous child (although you need to lose the idea that those are in any way causally related I think). How do you really think she will feel if you go away without her? Even if she does recognise that her son is difficult to manage, this would be a kick in the teeth.

cheesesarnie · 16/04/2008 13:19

why do you keep ing at peoples replies?you must have realised that with a title like that you werent going to get lots of oh yes i agree,horrid little boys?

Novicecamper · 16/04/2008 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ruty · 16/04/2008 13:20

and little girls can have their flaws. one little girl we know likes to spit all over ds. May not be so 'boisterous' but i think they have their own tactics.

Monkeybird · 16/04/2008 13:20

what a ridiculous, presumptuous and sexist notion. Away with you. You don't deserve her friendship. YAB VERY U.

Rose99 · 16/04/2008 13:23

I'm glad you're not my friend. Poor woman and poor 5 year old CHILD.

spokette · 16/04/2008 13:24

My cousin has a very boisterous 3yo DD. I actually sat with her the other day, read her book, sang nursery rhymes with her and gave her one to one attention. She was lovely and kept returning to sit on my knee. All she wanted some postive attention instead of being written off as too troublesome.

Sometimes, children behave the way others expect them to and as adults, we should be mature and creative enough to find ways of reaching out to them instead of demonising them.

I think you are B extremely U and should be honest with this person so that she can realise that the friendship is based on a foundation as flimsy as gossamer. That way she can go and find herself some real friends who are not a bunch of smug, disingenous, insincere gorgons.

mumto2andnomore · 16/04/2008 13:25

I feel gutted for your friend.You should be ashamed of yourself.How would she feel if she knew you had been discussing her and her boy like this ?

Greyriverside · 16/04/2008 13:26

It's just about being realistic.

Step 1 You decide you want a quiet holiday
Step 2 You realise you can't do that with this boy along
Step 3 you get advised that you should have a holiday which would suit him. Energetic and not quiet.
Step 4 you decide you're not up to that and forget the whole thing.

So you can't have your holiday because it might not suit someone elses children?

That's just daft.

If you were going scuba diving and your kids were expert swimmers you wouldn't invite someone with a child who couldn't swim.

LilRedWG · 16/04/2008 13:27

Excellent post Spokette!

Oliveoil · 16/04/2008 13:27

not unreasonable at all

in fact I would go further and ostracise (sp?) her completely until she produces a girl

it is only right and proper imo

no need for these boys messing up your tidy world

Novicecamper · 16/04/2008 13:28

I think the title of the thread is telling - I bet it's the real reason and if it was a boisterous girl it wouldn't be an issue.