Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude my friend from a holiday because she's got a boy?

574 replies

brownmouse · 16/04/2008 12:37

regular here blah blah (we need an acronym for this )

I have a small group of 4 friends, we all have 1 child of the same age (5)

One of us has a boy

I am arranging a summer break for us all but the three of us with girls really don't want the other person coming along. The girls play nicely together while we sit around talking. The boy is loud and whacks the girls and is constantly full of energy, and is constantly knocking into us, interupting our conversation.

We'd like a summer BREAK where we sit around while the girls play. If we invite the mum-of-boy it won't be a break, it will be noisy and stressful.

Should we arrange it and exclude her, or just invite her and accept that it will just be a child-focussed holiday?

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 16/04/2008 12:47

I've jsut realised that it's not just you, but the other two mums too - how horrible that you have been talking behind your friend's back! She'd be better off without the lot of you!

S1ur · 16/04/2008 12:47

I empathise with your position but I think its hurtful and not very generous. Unless you are all very unusual I'm guessing your children (yours and other two with girls) don't play beautifully all the time. I bet they have their moments. Over the course of a holiday these moments are going to happen, but hopefully that wouldn't make you regret going on holiday together. The other child who is energetic will also have lovely moments, shame to write them off.

JamSamBam · 16/04/2008 12:47

The worst sort of friend is one who would post a thread saying "we dont want to go on holiday with this person"

FFS get off mumsnet and make it up to your 'friend'.

YAB f*ing U

MinkyBorage · 16/04/2008 12:48

I couldn't give a shit if op is objecting to the boistrous child because of his gender, his boistrousness or the colour of his hair, if she's a proper friend, you take the rough with the smooth. Your PFB might be a nightmare teenager, but it would be unreasonable if your friends reject you because of this!

sophiewd · 16/04/2008 12:48

Sounds like she will be much better of without you 3 as her friends.

Mamazon · 16/04/2008 12:49

god forbid any future children you have that happen to be male.

They will be branded energetic and violant before they are born.

misdee · 16/04/2008 12:49

well i still think YABU

yorkshirepudding · 16/04/2008 12:49

Message withdrawn

Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 12:50

If I had a boisterous child I honestly WOULD completely understand if I wasn't invited to things

This child is very boisterous, I had to spend £200 on repairs after one 'playdate' last year

I love my friend, we spend lots of time together

My DH has refused to go on holiday with them this year because he really can't bear the way the kids are

OP posts:
ChutneyMary · 16/04/2008 12:51

Brownmouse, how would you feel if you were the mum of the "unacceptable" child and were left out? I'd be gutted and would find myself questioning my friendship with the other 3. I see your reasons (my DD1 is really boisterous, much more than some of her other friedns of either gender) but I think you will cause big problems if you do.

OrangeKnickers · 16/04/2008 12:51

ooooooooooooooo you are proper mean! Poor woman, I hope she doesn't have to go on holiday with three two-faced bitches like you and your friends.

SSSandy2 · 16/04/2008 12:51

do you think she is expecting to come along, is likely to understand if you spoke to her about this?

cornsilk · 16/04/2008 12:52

£200! WTF happened?

RubySlippers · 16/04/2008 12:52

you wouldn't understand - you would feel hurt and excluded

sometimes, as a mum to a DS i worry horrendously about how boys are labelled from such an early age

cheesesarnie · 16/04/2008 12:52

you sound like a lovely friend.id be mortified if i knew one of my so called friends felt like this.do you actually like this woman?do you think your setting a good example to your precious girls?yabu.and very rude and immature.

misdee · 16/04/2008 12:52

i do have a boisterous child. and i dont like the way she is excluded at times.

wannaBe · 16/04/2008 12:52

of course you are being unreasonable. And you know you are being unreasonable which is why you've name changed so that people on here won't associate your mn name with the person who is so nasty.

One day your child will misbehave, or be nasty to another child, or get on someone's nerves, and people will exclude you from their lives because of it.

What goes around comes around.

I would tell her how you feel so she can go and find some real friends.

yorkshirepudding · 16/04/2008 12:53

Message withdrawn

belgo · 16/04/2008 12:53

brownmouse - you may find the situation is easily solved and your friend doesn't want to go on holiday with a group of women who will sit judging her according to her son's behaviour.

I know I wouldn't.

Youcannotbeserious · 16/04/2008 12:54

Totally unreasonable, totally horrible. But honest.........

If you don't want her or her son there, at least have the decency to tell her honestly..... She may well not wish to be friends with you after that, but that's something you are going to have to take the risk on.....

As the soon-to-be-mum of a boy, I'd prefer not to be invited if everyone else was going to be sniggering into their chardonney / throwing their eyes to heaven / generally looking distainful at my child.....

ChutneyMary · 16/04/2008 12:54

If you spend lots of time together, she will be even more hurt at being left out.

If you love your friend, do something nice and support her and her son on this holiday. I am sure that there will be spats with the 3 girls - think how annoyed you'd feel if it weren't all sweetness and light AND you'd lost a great friend because of it.

MinkyBorage · 16/04/2008 12:55

you say you would understand, but of course you wouldn't; your whole social life begins to disintergrate because your baby, the apple of your eye, is too boistrous for your friends? what about your friendship with them? FFS. Did you tell her about the £200 damage? Your fault if you didn't!

marina · 16/04/2008 12:56

I think youcannotbeserious has made a very good point. Perhaps this woman might not want to be on holiday and wincing every time her child is too boisterous and energetic for your own refined tastes.
Misdee, I have a bouncy, talkative girl . Luckily all my friends' children are gloriously "imperfect" too.

Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 12:56

I don't judge her according to her son's behaviour

She is a lovely woman and I love her to bits

We were thinking it would nice to take the girls on a 4-night holiday abroad (because the single mum hasn't even been abroad) - we liked the idea of doing a bit of 'travel' with them

But we won't do it with the boy I'm afraid

Maybe you are right, we should just go and not take the kids

OP posts:
geek3 · 16/04/2008 12:56

The mother and her energetic, adventurous son will have more fun without you and your friends rolling your eyes, tutting under your breath and judging them both all day. The poor woman will have a wrteched time. With friends like you who needs enemies?

I hope she and her son see you for what you are and find better friends who enjoy the company of friends for friendships sake and not on the condition their child sits down and doesn't move or make a noise all day for fear of upsetting the status quo