Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude my friend from a holiday because she's got a boy?

574 replies

brownmouse · 16/04/2008 12:37

regular here blah blah (we need an acronym for this )

I have a small group of 4 friends, we all have 1 child of the same age (5)

One of us has a boy

I am arranging a summer break for us all but the three of us with girls really don't want the other person coming along. The girls play nicely together while we sit around talking. The boy is loud and whacks the girls and is constantly full of energy, and is constantly knocking into us, interupting our conversation.

We'd like a summer BREAK where we sit around while the girls play. If we invite the mum-of-boy it won't be a break, it will be noisy and stressful.

Should we arrange it and exclude her, or just invite her and accept that it will just be a child-focussed holiday?

OP posts:
wannaBe · 16/04/2008 12:57

you're in for a hell of a shock if you think your dd will never have spats with these other girls. they'll probably want to kill each other by the end of a holiday together.

and ime three children together is always a nightmare because one invariably gets left out.

Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 12:57

I can't tall you what happened but we had to get a plumber in

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 16/04/2008 12:57

People have started to tell that DS has "alot of energy" lately - i'll translate this as he's a sod and will expect invites to diminish.

Youcannotbeserious · 16/04/2008 12:57

Also agree with WannaBe - You KNOW you are being horrid and unreasonable as otherwise you wouldn't have changed your name...

You know that behaving like this (with your two 'mates' as backup) is really horrid.

One day, your DD will do something that your 'friends' don't like - and you will know what this feels like.

I'm still of the opinion you should tell her though. She won't want to go with you and you'll have that off your concience.

Saturn74 · 16/04/2008 12:58

It wouldn't occur to me to exclude a friend from an event because of their child, tbh.

And I have been on holiday with several different friends who have very enthusiastic children, or whose children who are very different to my own.

Although in the case of the OP, the mother of the boy may turn your offer down anyway, as it doesn't sound terribly exciting.

Do you really lack the imagination to book a holiday that would fulfil the needs of more than one type of person?

misdee · 16/04/2008 12:58

oh marina, she has been described as 'wild'. the problem is, she is soooo tall for her age (5), and very energetic, that people expect her to act older than she is, and get scared she is going to hurt their lovely 'normal/average sized' children as she runs past. she is all arms and legs and very bouncey all the time!

marina · 16/04/2008 12:59

That must have been rotten brownmouse

But I think the solution is for the child of the single mum to have a weekend sleepover with another household while the four of you mothers have a solo break.

And scrap the group holiday if you feel this strongly about the boy. But your friendship with that mother will end if you all go away without her

Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 12:59

but she isn't really a friend is she? More of a good acquaintance, I would say. otherwise you wouldn't chose to go away with all your other friends except her.

I might chose to go on holiday without a friend if I found her DC difficult but wouldn't then chose to invite everyone else she's friendly with and exclude her. At best I might chose to go away with one of them so it wasn't a deliberate exclusion IYSWIM.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2008 13:00

You don't necessarily have to be 'supportive'. But I think you owe it to her to be honest. Does she know her son did that amount of damage to your home? £200 is a LOT of money to some folks.

Does she not discipline him?

I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to not want her kid along on holiday - you're not going to like everyone's kids any more than you like everyone you meet in life.

But I think you should have a frank talk with her about your feelings if you're a real friend.

oranges · 16/04/2008 13:00

More to the point, you have no real idea how the 5 year-olds will behave on holiday, away from familiar things. The boisterous boy may be fascinated by the new things, and the girls who play quietly may get over-tired and hyper at the change.

marina · 16/04/2008 13:01

Er, Misdee, is this the gorgeous S? Who nearly became a moggel?
I have often wondered if she and my dd are secret twins . Mine just pirouettes, sings and struts all the time. She is lovely but...er...hard work!

hatrick · 16/04/2008 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OrmIrian · 16/04/2008 13:02

Well IME boys can be energetic and a bit boisterous but so can girls (my DD is anyway). And I have realised that I prefer having my DS#1's friends in my house than my DDs'. They are polite when they have to talk to me but largely do their own things and ignore me which suits me fine. They don't end up bitching and having stupid whispered arguments with each other. And they don't tell tales all the bloody time

I think you are being unreasonable.

If you want a peaceful holiday, leave all the DCs at home.

cheesesarnie · 16/04/2008 13:03

if you love her so much maybe you should consider helping her out with her child ratger than bitching about them both.

why do you keep refering to one of your friends as 'the single mum'?not just a mum,a friend?

i think go on holiday with the girls,have a crap time ,come home and find that your 'friend' has realised what crap friends she has and has found new friends.sounds fun.

misdee · 16/04/2008 13:03

no marina, my lovely big little girl L, who is my middle dd. S is teeny. and also hard work but gets away with so much as she looks angelic. not sure which is worse lol.

marina · 16/04/2008 13:04

Girls eh, who'd have 'em. Ds spent the whole Easter holidays doing Lego and reading Watership Down. Bliss!

CarGirl · 16/04/2008 13:05

if it's a holiday rather than a few hours together believe me the girls will fight, argue, run around etc etc

I have 4 girls are are generally very easy, play nicely, spend hours occupying themselves with colouring and the like but oh boy they still have their moments!

ConnorTraceptive · 16/04/2008 13:05

It is probably unrealistic to expect an energetic child to amuse themselves all day while you chat and unfair so you're right this holiday probsbly won't work and I wouldn't choose to do it.

but I guess would choose a more suitable holiday where this little boy can have plenty of activities to keep him amused and your friend could be included. You may not want a child focused holiday but chances are if you have one the children will be more content and you'll have a more relaxed time

OrmIrian · 16/04/2008 13:05

And I have to add at the risk of sounding horribly patronising, I hope you never have to get used to a boy in your family. I work with someone who used to whinge endlessly about her friend's lad who was so destructive and noisy and how her little girls were sooo good. Until she had a little boy and she shut up on that subject

And with more space and freedom on holiday the boy may well end up calming down and being a little angel. I find that often happens.

Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 13:05

I'm pointing out she was single to explain that it's not so easy for her to get away by herself

She doens't particularly believe in strong discipline for which she has HER OWN REASONS FOR which I totally understand

I DO look after this boy occasionally (and on past occasions it has driven me to tears and DH into a shouting rage)

Anyway I get the point, we won't go away with the kids.

She is well aware of how he is and how we feel.

OP posts:
Mamazon · 16/04/2008 13:06

"If I had a boisterous child I honestly WOULD completely understand if I wasn't invited to things"

My son has SN and as such has behavioural problems.

I KNOW i don'tget invited to certian things because of it. yes i do fully accept the reasons why, i do understand that he can be difficult... BUT it cuts like a knife to the heart each and every time.

You wouldn't be understanding and just brush it off if it were you at all.
Trust me

Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 13:06

yes she offered to pay, I said no, I didn't want to rub it in FFS by making her hand over a cheque

OP posts:
hatrick · 16/04/2008 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

marina · 16/04/2008 13:09

Is the mum with the boy also the single parent in the group, brownmouse?

OrmIrian · 16/04/2008 13:10

I guess so. But there does seem to be a difference under certain circumstances. Boy and girls deal with some things differently.