What would you do if someone offered to wave a magic wand, and you didn’t have children anymore?

[Geriatricmillenial]

I love my children and they do bring joy, but I get this thought in my head sometimes.

The conditions of the spell would have to be that I had no knowledge of my children whatsoever, I would just go back in time to before they were born and make dramatically different choices.

I get the impression a lot of the other mums I know don’t really feel this way, so is it just me?

💯 No! I’ll choose to have them a 1000 times over.
But if I could turn back the clock, with the knowledge and experience I have now, I’ll be a much, much better parent.

No no no. Not at all.

Even before I had DC all I ever wanted was to have them.

We have had some really hard horrible times. Of course there are stresses and tears etc but without a doubt not only are my DC wonderful and the most important thing in my world - they make the world a better place for being in it.

Does your 'magic wand' only work on children?
Or is there a setting for politicians?
Or 'Private' parking officials?
Or Call Centres?

What I would like is a magic wand to take me back to the start. So that I could have it all in front of me again. They’re growing up far too fast.

I wouldn't even consider it for a minute. I would have been devastated not to be able to have children, and I have loved being a parent. My dc are 16 and 18 and have been pretty easy and a lot of fun.

Then don't read it. It's actually just as important for those of us who feel this way to once in a blue moon acknowledge it. It's pretty clear from the title what this is.

👏👏👏

I never wanted kids, I got married really quickly without talking important things through, he wanted children and then we got pregnant really fast.

My first daughter was stillborn a week past her due date, even after years of counselling I still feel guilty about it, that somehow she died knowing that I never really wanted her. 💔

After losing her I had a primal need to have a baby it was awful. I thought I'd be a fabulous mum but I'm sadly not. I often spend time with child free friends and I'm definitely jealous of their lives and sad that I had kids that I don't seem to be a good parent to. All that said I don't think I'd make different decisions if I could go back other than maybe figure out how to be a better parent

I lost my childs twin and i still think im 'owed' one. A part of me died that day. I love the two i have - even though they are absolutely, easily the hardest thing ive ever done. I can't not have them.

Absolutely not. That would be my absolute nightmare.

Thank you everyone for your replies so far, it has been really illuminating.

I had not considered that my entirely hypothetical thought experiment would have the intricacies that some have found re the children being dead - this is not what I intended and was instead aiming for a more colourful way of asking if you would turn the clock back and not have children. The Sliding Doors thing as someone said.

It has been a bit of a reality check, to see how many do not regret having children, and to remind myself of the losses and difficulties that others have experienced having, or not having, children. I am genuinely so sorry to read these posts and realise I come across as ungrateful. I do often feel intense gratitude for my caring, healthy children, but it is being Mum that I rail against, as a PP said. They are 2 and 5 and the demands are constant and overwhelming, and I just feel like I’m doing a terrible job a lot of the time. I had pre- and post-natal depression and anxiety both times and I wonder if this is all a continuation of that somehow. I’ve got some things to think about.

Love my kids to bits but if I were to go back I wouldn’t have them. I’m not a good mum. I had an abusive childhood and thought I would be a great mum as I knew how not to raise a child. Turns out it’s not that simple and I really struggle with the emotional side of parenting.
I can cook and clean for them no bother but have no understanding of boundaries, helping them navigate friendships, and normal realms of discipline.

No chance.

I take your point…but what does this mean for those women struggling with an irreversible decision? Can that conversation not take place? Why does one situation trump another in terms of what is worthy of empathy?

This is interesting as I had an abusive childhood too and I hadn’t really realised that I thought I would find it more instinctive by just doing the opposite of how I was treated. But you’re so right, it’s not that simple

No. First 10 years were horrible and the price was high (careerwise) but I'm happier with them.

I think the problem people are having is that their children already exist… we love them with every fibre of our bodies and to think of wishing them away is horrifying however hard life is…
A better scenario might be - you’ve had your life and are in the reincarnation waiting room ready to be born again, you’re asked “Madam this time around do you want children or not?” They wouldn’t be the same kids, this is not a do-over, it’s your next life…
in that case I’d probably try a life without

But @Geriatricmillenial, your feelings at any moment are valid. They are yours. It doesn’t make you ungrateful. Or unsympathetic.
Parenting for many is tough. You can love your children and still have these feelings. This doesn’t make you a bad mum. Just a tired, overwhelmed mum of two small humans. Don’t beat yourself up.

And yet I had a wonderful childhood but still feel like I do...

No way.

I admit I sometimes contemplate this myself. I always wanted children but I don't think I actually make a very good mum. My daughters only 1 though so still very hard work. On the other hand if I'd never had her I might not be alive since I wouldn't have discovered my cancer so who knows. She's here and I do love her so just got to keep going I suppose.

No. Not even for a day.

One of the many challenges of parenthood is you don’t know what you’re going to get. Naturally people think a bit of sleep deprivation but what about multiple births, a whole spectrum of additional needs, an unpleasant adult you don’t get on with, an addict, becoming a single parent - just all of it.

Literally didn’t think through any of these scenarios which makes me sound like a v naive 34 yo (as was).

No, I'd have more grandparents if I could choose some. It's hard work never having a break and Iongingly watch others who waltz away for a meal out or even a holiday leaving their DC with family members. The only way DH and I can do that is for just one of us to go.

My children drive me batty and I have no time for myself ever but I would do it all again, they are the best thing that's ever happened to me