Page 13 | What would you do if someone offered to wave a magic wand, and you didn’t have children anymore?

Geriatricmillenial · 2024-08-15T17:01:50+00:00

I love my children and they do bring joy, but I get this thought in my head sometimes. The conditions of the spell would have to be that I had no knowledge of my children whatsoever, I would just go back in time to before they were born and make dramatically different choices. I get the impression a lot of the other mums I know don’t really feel this way, so is it just me?

laraitopbanana · 16/08/2024 20:56

No for me :) it is hard but if I hadn’t have them AND had forgot I had them…probably would then try to have them 🤣🤣

it is a loop my friend ahah!! wouldn’t change even one thing.

❤️🌺

Mrsgreen100 · 16/08/2024 21:01

Would keep my child but definitely would’ve swerved her horrendous father fraudulent cheating conman of a father ,if only I could go back and get rid sooner
or never entrained his lies and BS

FerreroFan · 16/08/2024 21:11

I had my DC late in life. Before DC, I had a whole existence travelling the world, eating at nice restaurants, buying lovely clothes, doing whatever I wanted.

BUT

When I had my DC, my whole life changed. This most precious tiny thing was entrusted to me and I felt such love that I have never ever felt before. That love has never left. My whole life prior to my DC could be wiped away and I wouldn't bat an eyelid. My life with DC is what counts right now. The cuddles, the smiles, the milestones, even the worries and sleepless nights... everything. I want to give that child the best I can and be my best self for them. I am older, poorer, more anxious and more tired but this is the life I prefer.

My past self would have laughed (and probably vomited!) at these sentiments but my past self didn't have my wonderful, unique and lovely DC!

bubblybeth97 · 16/08/2024 22:33

Not a chance would I take that wish. I've always wanted to be a mum and although the circumstances aren't how I imagined them - a single mum at 27 still living with my own mum - I was in a situation where I considered a termination and the idea of it filled me with despair. There are things I miss from not being a mum like having time to myself, but one day I'll get those things again. He's my whole world, the love of my life and I don't want to think about life without him in it. The love I get and give to my little boy is unconditional and he's filled a hole in my life. I see his little cheeky grin and get those little kisses and my heart swells. If the magic wand could make me a billionaire that would be fab and would solve so many problems like the not having to work so I could be with him more, having our own home, a home gym wouldn't go amiss either but I would never wish him out of existence. He's got so much potential for who he could be and I want to see all of it.

OhcantthInkofaname · 16/08/2024 22:41

You must have teenagers.

SuperBlondie28 · 17/08/2024 00:03

Yes and No. I fell pregnant at 24 when my pill failed. I wouldn't be without my daughter but I'd have rather had her in my very late 20's or early 30's. I'd have also rather have had a baby in the age of Internet, so I could be more informed about pregnancy. Like having severe morning sickness (HG?) for 2 months and the doctor telling me it was perfectly normal to not keep ANY food and water down. I know it's not the case now

Dramatic · 17/08/2024 00:08

I wouldn't not have children, I was desperate for children from about the age of 14. I would change when I had them and who I had them with if that was possible. But I would be desperately sad if I never had children.

AlleycatMarie · 17/08/2024 00:18

I’m infertile. I would give anything to have children.

Allinadayswork80 · 17/08/2024 01:31

Flossyts · 15/08/2024 18:10

I don’t object to the kids per se, I love them to pieces, but rather I take issue with what I have to do to look after them. I feel like my magic wish would be a live in nanny and housekeeper 🤷‍♀️

Yes! Absolutely this! Juggling work, housework, life admin and kids is a challenge. But if I could scrap the other stuff and just enjoy spending time with the kids then it would be far more enjoyable.

Portfun24 · 17/08/2024 01:41

Absolutely no way.

theduchessofspork · 17/08/2024 01:48

Bumpingaround · 15/08/2024 18:25

I don’t normally take this stance but I think this thread is extremely insensitive to those who desperately want children and can’t have them or those that have lost children.
Like I say, I’d never normally say this, in fact I probably moan about my children more than any of my friends/family, but I feel like this is too far. You can talk of regretting having children at a certain time/having more children/having them too close or too far apart in age, but to be dreaming them out of existence feels really odd.

A fair few people regret having children. It’s just life.

fuckingbastard · 17/08/2024 01:53

Na. The condition would be I have my kids but they are all out of the way doing well financially and emotionally and I am still at the peak of my health and intellectual stamina. I would work, do charity work and take on a proper hobby. And travel a lot. A very very simple life actually.

theduchessofspork · 17/08/2024 02:18

Pickled21 · 16/08/2024 12:18

This is the second of a post like this. I don't reminisce about what my life would have ended up looking like without kids because frankly it is a waste of time. I do have them, I love them, my life whilst a slog at times is ultimately enriched and I'm happy. Thinking about what my life at 37 would be like without them is a waste of time, I can't magic them away (nor would I want too). I'm not into hypotheticals and would rather live in the here and now.

If you are finding things hard then invest energy into how you could make your life easier.

Mumsplaining

Mamai100 · 17/08/2024 02:24

Berlinlover · 15/08/2024 18:07

Life without children isn’t dull.

Show quote history

That wasn't what she said.

Mamai100 · 17/08/2024 02:29

Nope. Not in a million years.

I waited years for my two, I'm 41 with a baby and a toddler and I'm always sleep deprived, I never have any time for myself ever but I adore them, my life is very different now but richer in every way possible. I'm so grateful I got to have them.

Bellsandthistle · 17/08/2024 02:47

Parky04 · 16/08/2024 16:09

No. But I don't want grandchildren!

Can I ask what makes you say that?

Mamai100 · 17/08/2024 02:56

Geriatricmillenial · 15/08/2024 19:21

I wonder what brings about these differences in feeling, hearing so many of you speak so passionately about having children? Is being ‘more maternal’ what it comes down to? I can’t remember how I scored on that scale pre-kids. Certainty I scored low on ‘properly thinking about whether this is what I want or just what is expected’

It's not that for me. I was never that maternal. I had infertility for years and of course I wanted them but I wasn't crying every time I got my period. I'm not that fussed on other people's kids, I don't coo over babies etc.

I had a great childhood and I have very close family relationships so family has always been very important to me. I have ADHD it went undiagnosed for years and I had substance abuse and mental health issues due to it, I've also never set the career world alight because of job hopping and being unreliable and 'scatty' so by the time I got to my late 30s my life felt empty without children. None of my friends are child free either so weekends without children or booze (I'm now tee total) felt empty.

BeachParty · 17/08/2024 03:37

No.
Been through so much emotion wise over the years, and not in a good way in parts.
Still wouldn't want to not have them though.
Do wish sometimes I could wave a magic wand and have my anxiety taken away that looking back I was, badly suffering from.

Pickled21 · 17/08/2024 06:16

@theduchessofspork not in the slightest. I just don't see the point in wasting energy thinking about a life I don't have.

BibbleandSqwauk · 17/08/2024 07:29

@Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice just a hand hold..I'm there too. Look back at pics of the ages 4-9 ish and it was a lot more fun and easier than teens. As an SP to two of them I sometimes hate being at home..who'd want to live with housemates who leave everything to you and are rude and surly when you say hi or ask them a question?

Mil3nnial · 17/08/2024 07:50

Absolutely not. I lost a child and whilst that's not what you're suggesting I am so grateful every day for the child I have who is living.

I feel similar to PP who said she wouldn't carry on if anything happened to their child.

Dogsbreath7 · 17/08/2024 07:59

Bumpingaround · 15/08/2024 18:25

I don’t normally take this stance but I think this thread is extremely insensitive to those who desperately want children and can’t have them or those that have lost children.
Like I say, I’d never normally say this, in fact I probably moan about my children more than any of my friends/family, but I feel like this is too far. You can talk of regretting having children at a certain time/having more children/having them too close or too far apart in age, but to be dreaming them out of existence feels really odd.

So if your are sensitive don’t read it?! Is there a MN rule you must read every thread? I don’t.

The OP started a light hearted post about what you would do if you had made the choice to not have kids. Hardly anyone has responded to the original question. The only people talking about imagining ‘dead children’ are the ones who are offended by it. Good grief!

There is lots of gushing about motherhood being the best blah blah. Maybe THAT is insensitive to those who have not found motherhood to be the ‘making of them’ or who have had a much impoverished life (financial, physical workload , mental health physical health) due to having kids not to mention the (what seems surprisingly frequent on MN) useless/abusive/cocklodging partners they have to support - or bringing up there kids alone because partners have f* off.

so to answer OP question: I wouldn’t have taken a career break which not only lost me salary in that period but has knocked at least £20k pa of my earning capacity when I did return ( because don’t you know, we lose the use of our brain and all that CV experience once pregnant). I would have travelled more and if I hadn’t lost my earning power I would have be looking forward to retiring in a few years but now have another 10 to go and will still be much poorer in retirement. And every weekend would be mine- with time to recover from the working week without feeling work job ends and the Home job starts.

None of this means I don’t live my child or I wish them dead btw. Just for clarity.

Errors · 17/08/2024 08:06

Dogsbreath7 · 17/08/2024 07:59

So if your are sensitive don’t read it?! Is there a MN rule you must read every thread? I don’t.

The OP started a light hearted post about what you would do if you had made the choice to not have kids. Hardly anyone has responded to the original question. The only people talking about imagining ‘dead children’ are the ones who are offended by it. Good grief!

There is lots of gushing about motherhood being the best blah blah. Maybe THAT is insensitive to those who have not found motherhood to be the ‘making of them’ or who have had a much impoverished life (financial, physical workload , mental health physical health) due to having kids not to mention the (what seems surprisingly frequent on MN) useless/abusive/cocklodging partners they have to support - or bringing up there kids alone because partners have f* off.

so to answer OP question: I wouldn’t have taken a career break which not only lost me salary in that period but has knocked at least £20k pa of my earning capacity when I did return ( because don’t you know, we lose the use of our brain and all that CV experience once pregnant). I would have travelled more and if I hadn’t lost my earning power I would have be looking forward to retiring in a few years but now have another 10 to go and will still be much poorer in retirement. And every weekend would be mine- with time to recover from the working week without feeling work job ends and the Home job starts.

None of this means I don’t live my child or I wish them dead btw. Just for clarity.

Show quote history

It’s ridiculous isn’t it? People all over the place demanding censorship of the internet lest they be offended or upset by what they read. Any one person could find nearly any thread offensive or insensitive. I’m sick of this censorship culture.

I have been fortunate in that I have had a relatively easy run of motherhood so far… doesn’t mean I don’t find it difficult sometimes or wonder what my life would be like if things were different.
I probably wouldn’t undo it, but it’s an interesting thought process to think ‘what if’

And I am not sorry if that offends anyone

theduchessofspork · 17/08/2024 10:57

Pickled21 · 17/08/2024 06:16

@theduchessofspork not in the slightest. I just don't see the point in wasting energy thinking about a life I don't have.

Sure, but the OP wasn’t asking for your life philosophy or advice. So #mumsplaining it is

lonelynfrustrated · 17/08/2024 11:13

I'd have to seriously consider.

Two children whom I love to bits, they are my everything.

However, one has poor mental health and has been through more than one phase of not wanting to be here. On her best days, she's not really happy.

The other has severe Chrohns which causes untold misery when it flares. They've been admitted 5 times this year already, we're going back in again this week as the most recent meds have now failed. Their lifelong dream was to join the RAF who now won't take them due to their diagnosis....so they are very 'lost' at the moment, waiting for their GCSE results and not knowing what to do next as their expectation was always they'd be joining up immediately. If I knew beforehand that this would be their life, I'm not sure I would have gone ahead and thereby forced them to deal with this.