What would you do if someone offered to wave a magic wand, and you didn’t have children anymore?

[Geriatricmillenial]

I love my children and they do bring joy, but I get this thought in my head sometimes.

The conditions of the spell would have to be that I had no knowledge of my children whatsoever, I would just go back in time to before they were born and make dramatically different choices.

I get the impression a lot of the other mums I know don’t really feel this way, so is it just me?

👎🏻

Does no one else worry about the karma of essentially wishing your children away? Is that just me? 😬

Not even for the one who broke my heart by dying at 3 months old, every one of them has made me a better version of myself than I would have been without them. None of them were planned, none of them are easy but they are mine. I regret many things but they have never ever been one of them not for a single second.

I understand what the OP is saying, about regret for children and I don’t want to thread police here but your child not existing is them being dead. It’s an unpleasant read tbh.

So sorry for your loss @ProudScoutMum

Unfortunate cross post there.

There's no such thing as karma. And yes OP, I would, if I had my time again. To be fair to them, a lot of that might be because ex fucked off and left me to raise them alone but I am honest enough to say my life would be easier, more affluent and 95% of the time more fun without them. They are not easy going, happy go lucky kids and things rarely run smoothly.

@actualbabyshark it’s not them being dead. It’s that they never existed

It really isn't at all. I would be devastated if my actual existing children died but that's not remotely the same as the hypothetical "do over" the OP is considering. It's a Sliding Doors scenario, that's all.

But they do exist otherwise you wouldn’t be able to say if you wanted them to exist or not … so you’re saying they would cease to exist which is pretty much what dying is.

There is a difference (in my mind anyway) to ‘parenting is really tough and I don’t know if I’d choose to do it again’ and ‘I would push a button so my children wouldn’t exist.’

I always wanted children so I can't imagine being 38 and having no children and being perfectly content.

The mere thought of my children never having existed makes me feel physically ill.

I don’t normally take this stance but I think this thread is extremely insensitive to those who desperately want children and can’t have them or those that have lost children.
Like I say, I’d never normally say this, in fact I probably moan about my children more than any of my friends/family, but I feel like this is too far. You can talk of regretting having children at a certain time/having more children/having them too close or too far apart in age, but to be dreaming them out of existence feels really odd.

I wouldn't have children. I love the bones of my ds, he's an awesome kid. I'm just not a good mum. It wasn't the making of me, I don't feel my life is better in any way for being a parent and I'd make vastly different choices if I could do it all again.

Then it's a good job that it doesn't affect someone's fertility in any way, shape or form, isn't it?

No definitely not but my children are my life.

Others have jobs, friends, hobbies and children.

I don't.

WTAF….!

No way.
I don’t actually enjoy being a parent as much as I thought I would and find it very stressful. DS has SEN and is very, very hard work.

However, I always wanted children and I know that if I didn’t have them I’d feel devastated.

I love them more than I imagined so I really can’t contemplate them not existing.

But yes according to threads on here I think a lot feel the same way.

Hypothetically turning the clock back and wishing your children dead are not the same.

It doesn’t but it isn’t just about fertility, it’s also those who have gone through the unimaginable heartbreak of actually having their child not exist any more, whether through bereavement or miscarriage or whatever. I genuinely don’t like being thread police-y but it did make me wince a bit tbh. I shall not bang on however

What are would you then 😂😂

It isn’t saying ‘would you turn the clock back?’ though, is it?

Of course it doesn’t affect anyone’s fertility, that’s not what I meant.
I work in a job where I frequently experience infant death so maybe that skews my perception slightly. I’m not saying we can never discuss the difficulties of parenting, moan about our kids or never be anything but grateful to have them but it leaves a sour taste in the mouth to read this thread is all.

Now they are all adults, independent and lovely and take me out for dinner - nope absolutely not, wouldn't be without them.

Twenty years ago as a single mother with five kids between eight and fifteen, fuck yes, take 'em all.

So I'd say, the answer depends on the age and tractability of the children.

Absolutely not, smash that wand.

But if the wand could get them to put their dishes in the dishwasher, pants in the laundry basket & homework in their school bags instead of on the table, I'd love it.
(Yes before people jump on me, I do teach them this stuff. But wouldn't it be nice....)

Kids can be tiring and wearing sometimes, that's ok. And it's ok to need some adult time, and breathing time, and me time (again, magic wand may be necessary here).
But if you constantly feel that way, you need to change something up or get help.

Me too. I think about it sometimes. (Thanks anxiety and intrusive thoughts) especially at times like with what happened in Southport. I imagine him dying and its awful, I know without doubt I wouldn't be long for this world if he did die.

He also saved my life. Not that that's his job, and he'll never know it, ever. But he did. In so many ways. He saved my mental health for one, cos I didn't care to fix it properly before. Life was shit, I was shit, what was the point? But now, the one not shit thing is my son. I fought too hard for him through my mental health to get better.

Although, I do so long for the days when I woke when I wanted, did what I wanted. Had a fucking wee in peace. But I know 100 percent that if I had those days back, I would still be as poorly with my mental health and as such fucking miserable. He makes my life worth living