What would you do if someone offered to wave a magic wand, and you didn’t have children anymore?

[Geriatricmillenial]

I love my children and they do bring joy, but I get this thought in my head sometimes.

The conditions of the spell would have to be that I had no knowledge of my children whatsoever, I would just go back in time to before they were born and make dramatically different choices.

I get the impression a lot of the other mums I know don’t really feel this way, so is it just me?

It’s interesting that the poll says 39% would use the magic wand but the comments don’t reflect that high a number.
I wonder if some people can’t bring themselves to comment that they would use the magic wand because it is such a taboo?

I'd be devastated... Even with no knowledge of them, I've always wanted kids so I'd be sad I had a life with zero kids

This was my first thought 😂

I'd abracadabra the adult away, not my daughter.

I think I scored medium-ish, but mostly because I was really young for my age (ADHD, ASD etc.) and just felt like a kid for ages. Also, I thought I had to be 'sorted' a high standard of good enough. I started dating my best friend nearly a decade after we met (and I thought he was lush when we first met, but then worried I would mess up a friendship dating). Been together 10 years now, married 7. 2 kids (a few loses in between).

I live being a mum, though I do also really enjoy meaningful work. I find I need some me time, but it is quite low. I love playing with the kids, going on adventures, watching films together, doing crafts etc. I like cuddles and stories at bedtime. I thought I would not enjoy the baby bit as much as I did/ do. But I love toddler/ primary school years too. Just wish I was more organised used about housework etc. Thankfully my DH is much better at keeping on top of that side of things than I am.

I think there's a lot of pressure to make a decision one way or another in what feels like an increasingly small time period. We're expected to do/ have it all as women. Go to uni/ travel/ find yourself/ get a career. Find a partner, buy a house, have kids. That is where I feel the pressure. And I do worry when I am tired and stressed if I am doing it wrong. But doing family things, spending time with the kids is so rewarding. I love it.

Absolutely not. I was never a maternal person pre kids but they are the best thing I've ever done.

This 100%. Never would I take this option. My kids are everything to me.

Actually I want a wand to give my kids a better dad. We are separated and he is a bit lacking. Probably due to his own needs. And I regret the fact we are divorced, not much fun for the kids.

so magic wand for better dad/partner for me so we stay together and have the magical happiness others clearly experience 🤣

Couple of years ago, I may have said yes. But they're fairly easy at the minute- other than teenage stuff. Think my marriage would be better. Dh has struggled with parenting older, 21st.c kids. He's more 70s dad.

I am a little envious of people who think their children are their world/ best people ever. Mine are...OK. But then, perhaps they suffer in comparison to some of the amazing kids I've taught over the years. And then I guess that's my fault for not making them into amazing kids. Although their teachers think they're great.

I think that this is a silly question to ask on here. I'm not a parent for lots of reasons that include infertility due to cancer and a deep ambivalence towards children.

Most people who have children do so for the right reasons - that they want to raise these little people to be wonderful adult humans. Some people find that the reality of having those children is no where near what they expected. That's a different conversation to this one which is somewhat distasteful in wanting to airbrush out people who are already here. You can't ask a parent how they would feel if they didn't have their own children. Of course it is going to cause pain because many, many people have lost children. And you can't wipe out that experience however much you try because you can't ask a parent to imagine life without the child or children they already have.

The fairer version of the question is would you do it all again, but even then, the choices have been made and so there is no gojng back. If someone asked me if I'd not have children or pursued avenues I wasn't interested in to reproduce, I can't give a true answer because I made the choice I did. I don't have any frame of reference for this fantasy life where I have children anymore than parents have one for a life without children.

5 years ago I would have done, 2 years ago maybe. But he is the love of my life now and just the best. He is 11 and amazing

@Jellybean85 Sure you can have both.

But then they wouldn't be "your" children they would be different children.

Well no I think they are just assuming that people who intentionally had children did actually want those children! Or presumably they wouldn’t have come off the pill.

Obviously child free by choice people have fantastic lives, but those of us who struggled with infertility or miscarriages for years weren’t having a fantastic child free life, at all. It was really shit.

It’s silly to pretend there’s no difference between people who don’t have children by choice and those who wish to have children but for various reasons can’t or haven’t.

I know far more people whose first child at least was an accident, sometimes whilst on contraception, than planned. I also know plenty of people who really wanted children who have found it much harder than they ever imagined. And they love their children. Bit given what they know now, they might not do it again if given the chance.

I think sometimes you have dc and think, right ill do it better than my parents.

But then you forget that your kids are going to inherit bits from you- but not necessarily the bits you thought.

Mary Shelley nailed it, perhaps inadvertently, with Frankenstein. She was thinking macro, but it works on a micro level too.
'Behold, my creation!......oh shit, that wasn't quite what I had in mind. '

But then they wouldn't be "your" children they would be different children.

You do know ow that this wand isn't real, yes? 😂 no need to get bogged down in semantics. And they'd still be her chidlren

I love my child and can't imagine a life without them. I wouldn't take the wand, whilst parenting is hard I'm learning so much about myself and the small person I have created.

In all honesty I'd use the wand to change the man and relationship I'm in. Whilst he's not terrible, he isn't the father and life partner I expected him to be and I find parenting harder due to the 'lack' of work in this area he does.

I feel especially jealous/envious of other relationships/marriages where the man seems to treat the marriage as an equal partnership and seem to enjoy the parenting and appreciate the partner they have. I feel I would parent better in this kind of situation.

I've read lots of other threads on here where loads of people have said if they could go back in time they may not have had children - these replies are making out like you're really unusual but you're not OP. I don't think there's ever going to be an answer for some people as to whether it was the ”right" or "wrong" thing to have children. I have two and can quite see my life would have been so much easier, fun, exciting and financially better without them, in some ways - and I dislike so much about being a parent - but you can't really measure that against the ways your life is more fun and more fulfilled in some other ways. It's like apples and oranges. I'm sure if I'd chosen to stay child free I'd be wondering if I'd be more happy with children, and I'm sure I'd feel a deep sense of sadness. There are massive advantages and disadvantages to both states, so in the end no point endlessly going down the ”what if" rabbit hole. Best just to enjoy the good bits of what you've got and know that the drudgery bit will end as they grow up. Eventually!

In the OP’s hypothetical scenario the children would not be conceived. So they would not be dead.

I feel this way sometimes.

I love my kids and wouldn't be without them.

But in your scenario, I hate myself for saying, I wouldn't get married and I wouldn't have kids.

I'd live my life for me.

The world is shit and very occasionally I feel guilty for bringing children into it.

My marriage, whilst good now, has caused me no end of stress and heartache and my outlaws in-laws and DH siblings are fucking insane, which took me a while to learn. I'm not sure my marriage was worth all that pain, especially as no one seems interested in making amends, leaving me with questions and hurt but no answers.

Argh. It's a sobering thought.

Wave it.

It really isn't.

They'd have had to have been born to be dead.

There's always one.