What would you do if someone offered to wave a magic wand, and you didn’t have children anymore?

[Geriatricmillenial]

I love my children and they do bring joy, but I get this thought in my head sometimes.

The conditions of the spell would have to be that I had no knowledge of my children whatsoever, I would just go back in time to before they were born and make dramatically different choices.

I get the impression a lot of the other mums I know don’t really feel this way, so is it just me?

Well yes, but I also know that children are made up of half their mothers genes and half their fathers genes. Different father = different genes = different child 🙄

Absolutely! Life is still mundane drudgery. Still need to work and earn money to pay the bills. It's growing into an adult that's the dull thing, not whether you have kids or not 🤣

This is the second of a post like this. I don't reminisce about what my life would have ended up looking like without kids because frankly it is a waste of time. I do have them, I love them, my life whilst a slog at times is ultimately enriched and I'm happy. Thinking about what my life at 37 would be like without them is a waste of time, I can't magic them away (nor would I want too). I'm not into hypotheticals and would rather live in the here and now.

If you are finding things hard then invest energy into how you could make your life easier.

I can give you examples - when my eldest is on stage singing and playing a song he wrote and the crowd are singing along to his words and music and they all look like his music is enriching their life that gives me a lot of joy - all those hours spent listening to him compose and practice songs and paying a lot of money out to meet his need to fulfil his passion? Knowing I have played a part in his musical education because we bond over bands. That's my fulfilment.

When my youngest is jumping over the 80cm jump on a pony and everyone is clapping and cheering her on because they know her confidence went after face planting and she and her pony look like they are working together and have a special relationship, that gives me fulfilment. She has worked mega hard and has been riding for a decade and it's probably going to be her degree and career, I feel it in my chest.

When my middle DS talks to people out and about and they immediately feel his warmth and kindness and he connects with older people and they say he should be a carer or a health professional because he's so naturally caring, I get a massive sense of fulfilment.

These spoils of parenting have been hard won for me and my DC - we had a traumatic start with post natal depression, then domestic physical abuse, then we were insecurely housed, we were so so skint, and they have struggled academically. It has not been easy but it has been worth it. They are my life's work. I have insight into how it is without them because 40% of the time they are with their Dad and my now DH is an adventurer so I do a lot without my DC, I get fulfilment from climbing mountains and studying the shit out of things and seeing new places. But I get fulfilment, pride, comfort, love, joy and a feeling i wouldn't swap for the world out of being my DC's mother.

I was thinking this on holiday, not because I don’t absolutely adore and love her but because I’m sure I’m fucking her up even though i really try to be a better parent than mine were to me. There’s no rule book with a teenager, I had a baby because I wanted one which I now think was incredibly selfish and I’m really disgusted with myself, i admire all those people who chose to be childless because of their shit childhoods, I wish that had occurred to me!

Yes that’s me, I don’t wish I didn’t have a child, I wish she didn’t have me for a mum.

Solidarity. You've got this.I always said if I could do it, anyone could!

I think a lot of people secretly wonder what life may have been like had they taken a different path.

I have two kids with SEN and it’s been really realy really hard. Even holidays are exhausting. They fight all the time, and one of them is always on the verge of meltdown. And their needs always come first. It’s relentless, and there’s not much joy, but that’s not to say I don’t wish I ever had them. I love them to pieces.

But it’s hard not to wonder what life could have been like. 10 years ago I earned £80k, and had a pretty carefree life. Now I just get £300 carers allowance a month, and one child get £400 DLA, which isn’t much to live on. Also, I’ve been told I’m virtually unemployable after having taken so much time out. Too over qualified for even the very junior roles I apply for, and no recent experience for the higher level ones. And that’s even if I could sort out childcare to hold down an actual job should I get one! Not depressed, been through that though, just life is hard with children with additional needs!

'I suppose I just feel like there’s nowhere else I should be. No one else I should be with. No way to better spend my time. It’s an inner peace, contentment and warmth that I never had before them.'

I get this when I'm by myself! Preferably running somewhere or playing an instrument. I spent a lot of time when the kids were younger being physically present, but mentally elsewhere.

I decline, life is so much better with him

No. But I don't want grandchildren!

The thought absolutely devastates me, to be honest.

The dog, however... 😂

I feel this. I don't know how I'd ever recover emotionally.

We have four but I wish we started earlier and had 1-2 more.

Well because I brought my son up from 1 yr old on my own, worked my socks off to give him a good life, only for him to treat me like shit, and we are now not in contact any more, I would definitely put the clock back and not have him 🥲

Oh god I'd be devastated. They are the best thing that ever happened to me and my life would be so much duller without them in it.

I’m so sorry.

Now I have kids I think I would be much much happier if I'd never wanted kids, and never had them. I desperately wanted kids and it's been a shock how much work for how little reward it is. I'm hoping it gets better (mine are 1.5 and 3.5). Though I suspect my not particularly suited to parenting.

I honestly think the same if god forbid anything happened to my 2.
when I look back my life was rubbish before I had kids, they made my life worthwhile. But then I was 37 when I had my first so maybe that’s the difference. My only wish is I’d had them younger.

I wasn’t maternal at all, never have been to be fair. I hated kids and babies when I was in my late teens to mid twenties. My DH was the one who made me fall in love with the idea of having kids and seeing him with younger members of his family turned me and I had our first at 30. I’m still not as maternal as friends are with their kids and my sister who is childless is what I would describe as what the perfect mum would be. Fact is, I can’t imagine life without my kids. I love them both so much despite the challenges they bring. Even when they are out of the house, I feel lost. I always said I wanted dogs not kids and now I have both, very happy which I never thought I would be if I had kids.

Never

I can imagine many people in your position would feel the same. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

I have a DD9 with SEND & SEMH issues and a DS7 who is NT. I love them both very dearly. My ex, their father, put me through 6years of DV. I left him in 2019 and I'm still trying to recover mentally, can't quite forget that I've felt suicidal at times. It helps that I've gone completely NC with my ex and all of his family, many of whom didn't want to believe what he put me through. I met my current partner in 2019 and through him I've learnt so much about healthy relationships - I'm more than grateful for the second chance of true love. Given a magic wand though, I'd happily go back to Jun 2013 - to the exact moment I met my children’s father and I would point blank refuse to have anything to do with my ex, I would happily walk on by.

Mine are all well into adulthood, but like some other posters, if I had my time again, I wouldn’t have children.

Wave that mother fucking wand like my life depends on it!

I'll be judged for it, but by fuck are the teenage years hard and really a struggle daily, not to throttle them!

It's a bad day/week/year and I'm just over it all😡