What would you do if someone offered to wave a magic wand, and you didn’t have children anymore?

[Geriatricmillenial]

I love my children and they do bring joy, but I get this thought in my head sometimes.

The conditions of the spell would have to be that I had no knowledge of my children whatsoever, I would just go back in time to before they were born and make dramatically different choices.

I get the impression a lot of the other mums I know don’t really feel this way, so is it just me?

Jesus, even seeing this thread title choked me up. No fucking way, I love my children and would never in a million years wish them away.

That said, I also don’t want to shame people who are struggling, and would urge anyone who has these feelings to seek some support/therapy.

I think there probably are a lot of mothers who would want this, and it's maybe a bit of a taboo. I honestly would say if I felt this way, but as tough as it is sometimes, I wouldn't want that. I'd be much richer! But I could not imagine that I'd be happier.

I do get that you can feel regret at certain stages, especially when they're little and you can feel like you have lost yourself. I haven't felt regret, but I have wished for a short spell in prison so I could get a rest and someone do things for me!

May just be a theoretical question but If things are tough right now please do ask for help through your gp or health visitor, I did and it helped massively. I'm in a completely different place now.

Next month I will officially be an empty nester as my youngest leaves for University. If I could turn back time I would. It’s awful, truly awful 😞
No magic wand is going to make things any better.

I do think life without kids gets romanticised here a lot. I don’t necessarily mean this thread either, I see it a lot. I think some people forget that you won’t be in your twenties / early thirties forever regardless and life still happens, still bills to pay, still laundry to be done, most workplaces don’t give unlimited annual leave for ‘travelling’ and without a job how would you fund it? It isn’t trying to be argumentative for the sake of it but life is filled with dull and mundane stuff whether you have children or not!

I understand it must be a wrench when they leave,but do you have no other interests, hobbies or passions other than your children? Aren’t you looking forward to getting your freedom back, having more couple time with your partner?

Doesn’t having an empty nest mean you’ve done a good job as a parent?

I’d tell them to get lost. Having kids is the hardest thing I’ve ever done but also the best and I love them to bits. Far more rewarding than my career could ever be.

No, I’d still have them. Mine are nearly all grown up now, and have been great teens, very easy children really. Now they are at an age I can enjoy holidaying with them

I've never had even a fleeting thought of not wanting my dd or life being better without her. She's my kindred spirit. I've always had a full life and she's just added to it. I'd still have one if I could go back in time (though that wasn't a choice due to infertility). I feel that I've been a good mother to 1, as I never 'lost' myself. It's never felt like a sacrifice.

I can see why some people might go for it but it's a no from me. I absolutely adore mine and my life has been so much better since they came along. I have so much fun with them and I feel they make me a better and more understanding person. For full disclosure, I had a "normal" (ish) upbringing and I have a good relationship with my parents, so I don't have major parenting issues. I feel I'm a good mum and would love to continue to be one. 😊

Genuine question and not trying to be a twat, because maybe I'm lacking in something, but those of you who say 'my kids are my world', what do you mean? Mine are a part of it, but they share the space with lots of other aspects and when they move out in a few years, it won't make that much of an impact.

Mine are in the teen/ tween years now so a little easier.
But I do love them. I love explaining things to my kids ( concepts like recession and reincarnation, anything really)

Wouldn't choose a child free life , no

It would be nice to go abroad without paying an absolute fortune though. I'll give you that.

We are all experiencing life and motherhood very differently. With a different capacity for different things. It's important to have these conversations to understand ourselves and others better.

It's complex and nuanced. I get both sides. I often wonder if I married someone else took a different job had a different upbringing. I don't think this should be off the table to discuss.

It clearly triggers some of us either way and that's ok too. There is no right or wrong.

I wonder if muddled in there is also a aspect of it's the way in which we are expected to be mothers /stuck/trapped in motherhood. Whilst I accept that even in the most "ideal" circumstances some would still wave that magic wand. I can understand that the giving up of freedom and the endless worry and responsibility can be suffocating.

I'd like to know the many varied answers to if we had a magic wand what would it be for us to really feel enjoyment from motherhood.

I don't 'need' to do anything of the sort. OP says nothing in her opening post about wanting children beforehand, so your statement 'But if you had no knowledge of them ever existing, you’d just immediately start trying for them surely?' is a blanket assumption that may or not be correct.

I think you'll find challenging of blanket assumptions is partly how free speech works. You don't get to police that.

I think they just mean they love them a lot. Doesn’t literally mean they have nothing else in their lives, just that they mean the world to them.

You’re not challenging blanket assumptions. You’re creating your own blanket assumptions, ascribing them to other people and faux challenging them.

No one has said what you are arguing against.

No one has said that everyone really, desperately wanted children.

Just that most women will have wanted their children at one point. Whether before or after conception, most women have made the choice to become mothers.

If you erase all knowledge of your children, you erase all knowledge of how difficult it can be which puts you right back in the same situation, you either trying to get pregnant or continuing an accidental pregnancy.

You’re free to write what you want but it’s absolutely ridiculous to create an argument against a non-existent position on a hypothetical topic. But, “free speech” away…

Genuine question- when pp say that children have fulfilled their life, the joy they bring etc, can you give me some examples? I can think of a couple like Christmas when they are little, but mostly I find parenting is about 90% grunt work. Washing, nagging, cleaning, listening to monologues about minecraft 😴, constant fighting with each other (them, not me fighting them!), meltdowns, constant planning ahead to avoid meltdowns etc.

I co-parent with my exH, and often the best day of the week is when I drop them off. I feel free and suddenly relax. I can eat nice food, and watch TV and just be. I find motherhood so claustrophobic, even now when they are 12 and 15. Mostly due to youngest's autism. When she is with me, every minute of my day is taken up by her needs.

My first thought was not unless my ex counts as one and then it would only be him I wanted rid of anyway. Nothing has ever been easy about this and as a sick disabled mum with 3 ND kids it probably never will be easy, but there's no way I'd ever want to not have had them. I wouldn't even have wanted a different non abusive ex because then I wouldn't have these 3 exact kids that I have. Even on the days where death would have once felt preferable to what its like living inside my fucked up body they still light up my life.

I suppose I just feel like there’s nowhere else I should be. No one else I should be with. No way to better spend my time. It’s an inner peace, contentment and warmth that I never had before them.

Ah ok. See I often think that I could be all sorts of other places. Like travelling, camping, doing long hikes, be more senior in my career, even a different career as I could have retrained.

I am not great at parenting, and I don't enjoy it. So I feel like a fraud most of the time. I love them dearly, my dd wants to spend every waking hour with me which probably makes me enjoy some time with her less. And I am soooooo bored of talking about minecraft 😂

I lost my second (stillborn) and struggled to conceive my third but I do get what you are saying. I don't necessarily feel the same why but I can see how you could feel that way. When you are in a rough patch it can seem hard to see the good side.

I wouldn't change my decisions but I do look forward sometimes to spending time as not mum. We've book a anniversary holiday away next year for a week with no kids. I'm counting the days. Not because I don't want me kids....but I need a break and reset. Reset time is really important as a parent whether that be full away, or a few hours not being in mum mode.

You’re free to write what you want but it’s absolutely ridiculous to create an argument against a non-existent position on a hypothetical topic. But, “free speech” away…

It would indeed be ridiculous, if that was what I'd actually done.

Do you mean what life choices would I make if I hadn’t had children?

I’d probably go into politics.

Yep. It’s just different strokes for different folks.

I did lots of travelling and career progression before I had my first at 30. I remember standing outside Sydney Opera House and feeling like a fraud because it made me feel nothing. I had a horrible childhood and no relationship with my parents so being a mum has felt heeling.

Maybe I’ll get more from travelling and stuff when my kids are grown and I feel more secure in myself 🤷🏻‍♀️

I get that with my DH. I get not everyone does though.

I have it with my husband but I’m aware how much more conditional my love is for him.