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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step child 25 and no sign of moving out

175 replies

CheekySwan · 15/08/2024 10:39

AIBU? My stepson has lived with us since he was 10, love him to death but he has just turned 25 and is showing no signs of wanting to move out. I also have 2 other boys 20 & 15 and I feel he is setting a bench mark for them.

SS works, pays board, etc. We do all his washing and clearing up after him, not my choice. He has his girlfriend stay over 2 nights a week (which is really uncomfortable for me as its a small new build and I can hear everything) and stays at hers 2/3 nights.

I just feel like he is still going to be with us when he turns 30 and it's driving me insane. He comes and goes at all different times and now I feel like i'm always on edge. I was doing exercises in the front room the other day and it was red hot so i took my top off so just had sports bra on and went in the kitchen to get a drink and in he walked because he had taken a half day. (It looks more like a crop top than bra so he didn't even notice but not the point). It's little things like that, if i want to sit on a night and take my bra off lol. Also, I will buy random food I want to try and just have it in, but its obvious I've bought it in special because it's stuff I wouldn't normally have in, and when I go for it it's gone, I find myself hiding food, there is a tub of Ban & Jerrys under the veg in the ferezer I keep checking on 😂. There was a brand new pack of Ringtons chocolote cookies in the fridge last night and when I came down this morning the empty packet was on the side, I can't have anything sweet in the house. I have a specific mug i've used for about 10 years, only me that ever uses it, DH has made jokes about it, and the other morning he made a cuppa in it (sounds pathetic I know but its the smaller stuff that's getting to me).

He has the footsteps of an elephant and nothing is shut properly unless its been slammed - or on the other hand, go in the kitchen and its like a scene from poltergeist cause all the cupboard doors are open including the fridge. HELP! Am I the only person that feels this way, am I being unreasonable

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 15/08/2024 10:41

I feel like this with my own adult DC so I don't blame you for feeling this way. But housing crisis etc etc.

Northernparent68 · 15/08/2024 10:51

Will your husband ask your sons to leave when they’re 25 ?

none of his behaviour sounds that bad, other than eating your treats.

You could ask him to leave but it could jeopardize your relationship with your husband.

5foot5 · 15/08/2024 10:53

Our DD didn't move out until she was 27. However, we knew she was saving hard for a deposit and clearly had plans to go as soon as she could afford a flat of her own. If the 25 year old is showing no signs at all and is not saving or anything then maybe you do have cause for concern. If he has a GF then it is not unreasonable to suppose they might want to move in together at some point.

How does your DH feel about the situation? Have you talked about it?

Some points:

We do all his washing and clearing up after him, not my choice. What do you mean? Of course you have a choice. Why can't you put your foot down and insist his laundry is his own responsibility now and any mess he makes. Come to that you should be doing the same with the others now, they are of an age that is reasonable.

It's little things like that, if i want to sit on a night and take my bra off lol. But even without him there you still have your other sons about so you wouldn't be sitting around in your undies surely!

There was a brand new pack of Ringtons chocolote cookies in the fridge last night and when I came down this morning the empty packet was on the side. As to the food then you need to set some clear boundaries with everyone about what is up for snacking and what isn't. And also point out that eating all of a treat (i.e. the whole packet) without thinking that anyone else would like some is just plain greedy and selfish.

Good luck. You are right, you don't want this to be a precedent to the others

holju · 15/08/2024 10:55

Firstly, get your own padlocked cupboard, you shouldn't have to, but it solves immediate problem of your stuff being taken. Secondly tell all your sons you won't be clearing up after them (I'd probably still help 15 year old a bit with laundry etc, but that's it). You'll be doing their future partners a massive favour.

gannett · 15/08/2024 10:56

Does he have a plan or timeframe for moving out eventually? You'll get a lot of posters (presumably boomers unaware of what the housing/rental market is like these days) telling you that you should kick him out now and chuck his things into the road this very second, but it should be evident to most that it's not as easy for 20-somethings to move out as it used to be. However if there's a specific financial goal or timeframe that will help you mentally, it won't feel so indefinite.

In the meantime this is mostly a problem about communication and basic ground rules (which would be the same rules he'd have to learn and follow in a house share with people his own age). Let you know when he has a day off. Keep the noise down when moving around the house. Tidy the kitchen when you're done. Don't use other people's mugs and even more importantly don't eat their food. Tell him this, tell him firmly, and enforce it - because that's what any housemate would do.

Lentilweaver · 15/08/2024 10:56

Get him to do his own washing. Mine do and they are way younger.

BobbyBiscuits · 15/08/2024 10:58

There's no way you should do his laundry or buy him any food. The fact he eats your treats and just leaves the empty packet on the side. Not even in the bin, no? He's a piss taker! But it's your DHs fault if he's allowing this.
Tell him your parts of the fridge are off limits, he can have a shelf in it for his own food. If you want to share a meal with him you'll invite him to join you. Otherwise, buy your own!
Do you think he might be up for moving to his girlfriend's, or them getting somewhere together? You could try and subtly broach the subject.

TinyYellow · 15/08/2024 10:58

Nothing you have described sounds that terrible, it’s just normal stuff that comes with living with other people. If you’d walk around in your bra crop top in front of your own 20 year old, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t do it in front of your SS.

Original poster
CheekySwan · 15/08/2024 10:59

Northernparent68 · 15/08/2024 10:51

Will your husband ask your sons to leave when they’re 25 ?

none of his behaviour sounds that bad, other than eating your treats.

You could ask him to leave but it could jeopardize your relationship with your husband.

I will be encouraging my other children to become more independent as they get older. It's more for him, he needs to become more independent, I wouldn't be doing his washing and cleaning up after him if his dad didn't, I do it to keep the peace. I would never ask him to leave.

As for the treats, I wouldn't care if he bought anything for himself. He earns more than me, he has a really good job, it's just frustrating, there's never anything left for anyone else.

OP posts:
Beezknees · 15/08/2024 11:01

I'd be fine with it. I don't want my DS to be stuck renting like I am, happy for him to live at home until he can afford to buy a house.

I wouldn't be skivvying doing all the washing though.

FromAClosetInNorway · 15/08/2024 11:02

Aside from him eating 'your' food, you sold incredibly petty.
It's a sports bra. I doubt he cares or notices. If you guys choose to do his washing and cleaning, more fool you.

DaisyChain505 · 15/08/2024 11:02

You and his dad need to communicate with him and actually ask directly what his plans are.

what are his plans for moving forward?
Is he actively saving for a deposit for a house? How much is he saving a month?

Be clear on proper rules in the house.

He buys all of his own food and doesn’t eat yours.
He has to do all of his own washing.
He must clear up after making food.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/08/2024 11:04

What do you mean bu " if his dad didn't " does his dad do all his laundry and stuff or asks you to do it?

Also have a word about the food because that's just rude, allocate him a shelf or he can get a fridge for his room.

Have a talk about saving up and making moves to get his own place, he should have made noises about it by now at least if his own back even if it's about saving up.

Original poster
CheekySwan · 15/08/2024 11:06

TomatoSandwiches · 15/08/2024 11:04

What do you mean bu " if his dad didn't " does his dad do all his laundry and stuff or asks you to do it?

Also have a word about the food because that's just rude, allocate him a shelf or he can get a fridge for his room.

Have a talk about saving up and making moves to get his own place, he should have made noises about it by now at least if his own back even if it's about saving up.

If i left his stuff on the side his dad would just do it anyway, we've had discussions about this, it falls on deaf ears cause his dad is happy to just get on and do it, and I can't live with mess so I just do it

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 15/08/2024 11:08

Then let his dad do it. I absolutely would not be cleaning up after my SC. I don't even clean after my DC. They do their own cleaning, cooking and washing. Essentially we house share.

DancingLions · 15/08/2024 11:09

I feel he is setting a bench mark for them

He is. Which is why you and your partner need to be on the same page re things like doing his washing etc. I wouldn't be doing it, that's for sure!

If you're in a small new build, I doubt you'll want 3 adult men living there with you and your partner, for years to come. So there also needs to be a discussion on how long they can live there, under what circumstances etc.

It needs to be consistent with all 3 and you need to have a serious talk with your partner and come to an agreement.

Original poster
CheekySwan · 15/08/2024 11:09

FromAClosetInNorway · 15/08/2024 11:02

Aside from him eating 'your' food, you sold incredibly petty.
It's a sports bra. I doubt he cares or notices. If you guys choose to do his washing and cleaning, more fool you.

I'm not being petty, i'm frustrated.

It's not 'my food', there are others in the house that might like to try them

I don't want to be seen in any underwear by a 25yr old, not just because he is like my child but its not a pretty site!

OP posts:
FromAClosetInNorway · 15/08/2024 11:14

Tbh it just sounds like you don't really like him

Floofydawg · 15/08/2024 11:16

FromAClosetInNorway · 15/08/2024 11:14

Tbh it just sounds like you don't really like him

Oh God here we go.

You're not being unreasonable at all OP. He needs to at least have a plan to move out otherwise you'll be stuck with him forever by the sounds of it.

Flossyts · 15/08/2024 11:18

Is it less about needing him to move out now, rather than this being his life plan? I agree with you, I wouldn’t want 25 year olds to be living with me, not just because I wouldn’t like it, but because I’d hope they wanted more for themselves.
Maybe enquire as to what his next plan is. Perhaps sit down and discuss budgeting/saving for a deposit? Are you in a position to financially support him with this - ie if you save x, we will give y. (Motivation/ excuse to start the talk)

BMW6 · 15/08/2024 11:18

What does he say when you ask him why he thought it was OK to eat all of ....... so no-one else had any?

eggsandbaconeveryday · 15/08/2024 11:18

My eldest son moved out when he was 27 and only then because we both felt that he needed his own space. We had started to clash over washing and housework . Both of my sons have paid towards the bills since they started working, simply because I didn't see why I should still be paying it all. Both have done their own washing for a number of years and both cook. My eldest son and I get on so much better now that he has his own place. My youngest son (24) still lives with me and will no doubt do so for a while. He has ADHD and I'm not sure he would cope living alone. He still does his own washing and regularly cooks. He will also do housework when prompted so our relationship is less fraught than that with my eldest son. I think you need to sit down with your DH and SS to talk about some boundaries - eating food that is your treat is fine as long as he replaces it. Doing his own washing - definitely, also saving for a deposit. The cost of living is not easy for these young adults so I would also suggest looking at the cost of renting in the area so that all have a realistic view of how much it will cost for him to move out

Izzymoon · 15/08/2024 11:19

But you already have two other adult children living at home so why would you be in the communal areas in any underwear regardless?

Dotjones · 15/08/2024 11:20

BMW6 · 15/08/2024 11:18

What does he say when you ask him why he thought it was OK to eat all of ....... so no-one else had any?

And did he actually eat all of them? There are three other people in the house by the sound of it, aside from SS and OP, the partner and her two children.

Flossyts · 15/08/2024 11:22

Also, I think your dh is making it far too cushy!
SS needs to be doing his own washing (and others!). Own shelf for ‘special’ food and designated nights where he plans, shops and cooks for food.
Feeling sorry for future partner if he ends up moving out at this stage!
when my partner moved in with me it was a step change (his mother that worked full time had looked after him like he was 7 years old 🫣). He had no idea how to cook, clean etc. Asking questions like how do I wash this/cook that is such an ick.