Step child 25 and no sign of moving out

[CheekySwan]

AIBU? My stepson has lived with us since he was 10, love him to death but he has just turned 25 and is showing no signs of wanting to move out. I also have 2 other boys 20 & 15 and I feel he is setting a bench mark for them.

SS works, pays board, etc. We do all his washing and clearing up after him, not my choice. He has his girlfriend stay over 2 nights a week (which is really uncomfortable for me as its a small new build and I can hear everything) and stays at hers 2/3 nights.

I just feel like he is still going to be with us when he turns 30 and it's driving me insane. He comes and goes at all different times and now I feel like i'm always on edge. I was doing exercises in the front room the other day and it was red hot so i took my top off so just had sports bra on and went in the kitchen to get a drink and in he walked because he had taken a half day. (It looks more like a crop top than bra so he didn't even notice but not the point). It's little things like that, if i want to sit on a night and take my bra off lol. Also, I will buy random food I want to try and just have it in, but its obvious I've bought it in special because it's stuff I wouldn't normally have in, and when I go for it it's gone, I find myself hiding food, there is a tub of Ban & Jerrys under the veg in the ferezer I keep checking on 😂. There was a brand new pack of Ringtons chocolote cookies in the fridge last night and when I came down this morning the empty packet was on the side, I can't have anything sweet in the house. I have a specific mug i've used for about 10 years, only me that ever uses it, DH has made jokes about it, and the other morning he made a cuppa in it (sounds pathetic I know but its the smaller stuff that's getting to me).

He has the footsteps of an elephant and nothing is shut properly unless its been slammed - or on the other hand, go in the kitchen and its like a scene from poltergeist cause all the cupboard doors are open including the fridge. HELP! Am I the only person that feels this way, am I being unreasonable

I remember this with my own parents as my brother got older. It's a new phase of life for everyone, that means a good chat about long term plans- surely he'll want his own space to metaphorically 'sit with his bra off'? You can still be loving and compassionate, but it's not unexpected to talk about plans for independence going forwards.

@C1N1C

nope. It sounds more op is done with being a door mat and it’s time for this man to start acting his age. Leaving empty packaging out when he’s eaten all the biscuits leaving none for anyone else - I mean, come on!

No it obviously doesn’t 😂.

I don’t want to worry you, @CheekySwan but I have a mate who still lives at home (such a stupid expression, surely wherever you live is your home) at the age of 54!

OP, I feel your pain. I had my daughter - my own, beloved daughter - living with me until she was about 29, and it nearly drove me to drink - apart from anything else, I was so worried about what would become of her. She had come home from university and got a series of dead end jobs, and I was desperate for her to find something and forge her own way in the world, because beyond a certain age, I just don’t think it’s a good idea, children carrying in living at home indefinitely. My daughter did eventually do teacher training and is now living abroad - I miss her, but I’m so pleased she’s leading her own life. I can understand why the OP is concerned that it is just too comfortable for her DSS to carry on living as he is - perhaps when one of the others move out, it will be possible to encourage him to become independent - but the OP needs her husband to be on the same page.

Sounds much more like she is wanting a 25 year old grown man to do his own cleaning and washing

He's a selfish man child, YANBU. The problem with you doing stuff for him is that it eases the burden on your DH so it's less of a problem for DH. STOP.

STOP the washing and the tip toeing around him.

Tell him it's rude to eat your stuff.
Do not do a single bit of washing or clearing after him, he's 25 ffs.
Take your damn bra off. MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE. If he doesn't want to see his stepmum without a bra, he ca move out.
If you can hear him having sex, knock on his door or make it clear the next day that you can hear it.

Fine for him to still live at home but it's YOUR HOUSE.

I left at 18 for university and have never been back for more than a fortnight since. Utterly baffling to me that any adult would want to live with their parents into their mid twenties and beyond, though I do know some people get on with their parents more than I did. I’d also have found it extremely unattractive in a man when I was young and single!

I paid high rents to live away from the family home, and couldn’t buy until I was 35. Worth it.

As someone said upthread, the cost of even a shared room in certain areas of the UK is insane. If someone does that then they can't save for anything else so will have to share a room for life and who wants that...
I think it's disgusting that it has come to this. I also don't think it is fair on single people as if you are in a couple, it is so much easier. I know 2 women who barely work and yet their partners earn a lot so they have a flat or nice house. I know a single woman in her late thirties who works extremely hard but will never have that option. Yet she is judged over the coupled up women.

Had conversation, has started saving, he is thinking beginning of 2026. Not been with GF long enough to buy a house together is his reason. Has started to do a bit round the house but not much but has been staying out more with GF.

Me and DH discussed options, DH offered him money to get him on the property ladder and said it was my idea 👊, so i look like a c*nt now. He still said no too soon.

You wouldn't have this opinion if they were your DC. My DS is nearly 25, and they can stay in their home as long as they wish.

What do you think op? If you haven’t done this I think you need to go back and say millions and millions of people rent, its a perfectly valid option, and you need to follow some rules to stay here as long as you plan. Number 1 for me would not be a greedy selfish fucker. If I’ve bought a treat, I expect it to be there when I go to eat it. From now on if you eat my treats, and you know they are my treats, you cook and clean up dinner for everyone on the Saturday. It’s only what I do every night, for everyone in my house, and if I can’t even buy myself a treat then that’s pretty unfair wouldn’t you say?

I beg to differ. Mine went at 19 and I'm very happy that she's independent and happy. Equally happy to see her when she visits.

He is 25 cut him some slack - it’s hard out there. If he was 35 I’d agree with you.

What is wrong with 2026?

Of course it’s you’re idea, you’re the one with the issue here

I think your financial offer to get him on the property ladder was very kind.

Personally I would be saying at 25 that it’s time to move out and rent somewhere, for his own sake as well as yours.

The rent is very reasonable in your area, so no reason not to. I would give him the deadline of the end of Jan.

Yes I would - I should have changed the title of this to DS instead of SS, it makes no odds to me if i gave birth to them or not, they are all my kids, this is more about expectation of adult children moving out - I didn't come here for a bashing for being a wicked stepmum

I didn't say anything wrong with 2026

Just seen how much rent is in your area .... so cheap, surely he could do that? My DD is paying double that amount.

personally i think 2026 is ridiculous. he's taking the piss.

he should be acting like a considerate house-mate, and take on a fair % of the shared household chores (things like cleaning the bathroom, vaccuming the stairs, dusting the living room, planning and cooking dinner for everybody else at least once a week, taking the bins out, washing the windows) AS WELL as cleaning up after himself (keeping his own room and clothes clean and not leaving rubbish or dirty laundry lying around in communal spaces)

otherwise he can go and live in a different shared house, and see how his housemates like the way he acts. he doesn't have the 'right' to stay in your home until he decides he's ready to buy a place! he can do what millions of other young people have done and continue to do, and prove that he's capable of being an independent adult.

if he can't even cope with life as a tenant (where the landlord will deal with certain things, like fixing the building) how is he going to cope with owning a house?!

Most letting agents will only let to you if you earn at least 3x the rent these days. And that's presuming you can find somewhere suitable in the first place, and beat the 10+ other applicants to actually get to the point of them taking up references/looking at finances etc

I'm struggling to be sympathetic. As mentioned by @EchoGreen it's a rite of passage to share grotty places and live off baked beans for a bit. If 3/4 people together can't earn more than 3x the rent of a place then set your standards lower. Being in your early 20s is such a unique time of freedom and learning about yourself - and living to your (meagre) budget, making it work and knowing your limits is what it's all about.

If three or more unrelated people share a property it can be designated an HMO which requires the landlord to be certified by most local authorities and comply with many legal requirements. Flat/house shares are therefore less prevalent than they once were. We really cannot compare our experience 20/30 years ago to today’s housing market

I'm doing it now. I've been in shared houses for nearly 10 years, and know lots of people doing the same thing. Never had a problem.

@Gritra i didn’t say it doesn’t happen just that the landscape is very different now - those of us with 20 something kids know this and accept they are more likely than we were to stay in the family home for a variety of versions that weren’t relevant when we were at a similar life stage

Hmm you can't say that. I certainly wouldn't want my own kids still living with me at 25.