Step child 25 and no sign of moving out

[CheekySwan]

AIBU? My stepson has lived with us since he was 10, love him to death but he has just turned 25 and is showing no signs of wanting to move out. I also have 2 other boys 20 & 15 and I feel he is setting a bench mark for them.

SS works, pays board, etc. We do all his washing and clearing up after him, not my choice. He has his girlfriend stay over 2 nights a week (which is really uncomfortable for me as its a small new build and I can hear everything) and stays at hers 2/3 nights.

I just feel like he is still going to be with us when he turns 30 and it's driving me insane. He comes and goes at all different times and now I feel like i'm always on edge. I was doing exercises in the front room the other day and it was red hot so i took my top off so just had sports bra on and went in the kitchen to get a drink and in he walked because he had taken a half day. (It looks more like a crop top than bra so he didn't even notice but not the point). It's little things like that, if i want to sit on a night and take my bra off lol. Also, I will buy random food I want to try and just have it in, but its obvious I've bought it in special because it's stuff I wouldn't normally have in, and when I go for it it's gone, I find myself hiding food, there is a tub of Ban & Jerrys under the veg in the ferezer I keep checking on 😂. There was a brand new pack of Ringtons chocolote cookies in the fridge last night and when I came down this morning the empty packet was on the side, I can't have anything sweet in the house. I have a specific mug i've used for about 10 years, only me that ever uses it, DH has made jokes about it, and the other morning he made a cuppa in it (sounds pathetic I know but its the smaller stuff that's getting to me).

He has the footsteps of an elephant and nothing is shut properly unless its been slammed - or on the other hand, go in the kitchen and its like a scene from poltergeist cause all the cupboard doors are open including the fridge. HELP! Am I the only person that feels this way, am I being unreasonable

In these situations the problem is that the effect of the behaviour is cumulative. The OP can only give a few examples and individually they may seem petty, but when they're day in and day out, and there's more that the OP didn't write, it builds up to a point where it's unbearable and everything is annoying. There are threads on MN where the OP has got the ick with a partner and she can't even stand the sound of him breathing.

I don't think you're unreasonable OP to want a level of maturity and consideration for others from him and if he won't do that then time for him to get out. Unfortunately it sounds like having him there is a fairly constant source of friction between you and DH. If DH wants to continue babying his son and fuelling his sense of entitlement you're stuck in a difficult place. What's your relationship with DH like generally? Would it be going nuclear to say to DH that it's him or me?

This stands out to me:
I wouldn't be doing his washing and cleaning up after him if his dad didn't, I do it to keep the peace
@CheekySwan why can't you leave the washing and cleaning up (after SS) to his dad?
Why do you feel the need to keep the peace when it's your husband's son who is causing the problem?
What would happen if you stopped keeping the peace?

I would be talking to the 25 yo and 20 yo at the same time about expectation of all adult kids to prepare to move out of family home at some point.

Why do you NOT think the 20yo is ready for this convo in equal measure op @CheekySwan ? This is my only issue with this thread. I won’t even require DH’s consent to speak about this as it is and should be a normal conversation people in same house normally talk about.

seeing this economy is unrecoverable and UK is in for a Great Depression in another name for some time; looks like it will not be any more years now before parents including step parents will have to prepare for adult kids to move out from 40years- ouch! A few are doing that already!!!! Some even in their 50s.

@CheekySwan Maybe this is what's going on in your husband's mind....

"I'm having to put up with two of her children so I'm going to make sure that my one child causes double the stress for her?"

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a 20 something at home - they just can’t afford to live independently as we did back in the day, certainly not anywhere decent.

But you have to treat them as a housemate not a relative - ie keep own space clean, own laundry, own food shopping / prep (and facilitate that by setting aside a cupboard and a shelf in the fridge). Be REALLY fastidious about enforcing this.

Looked like op and DH share the youngest? If not, yup, pay back time thinking by both dad and step son!

You need to set boundaries.
If you don't want him eating your food, tell him or hide it.
If he's being too noisy then communicate this.
I know people years older than your SS, still living at home. I read threads on here saying they should just rent as if it's that easy. South east and London areas are obviously crazy expensive and if you are single it's a lot harder.
You mention your SS has a girlfriend. I'm sure they want their own space and with two incomes it's a lot easier. You might find the situation resolves itself in the near future as I don't think many couples want to be in the situation they are now in.

Then I suggest you only do your own washing from now on - basket in the bedroom.

Just to clarify - I don't hate my SS, we get on really well, we've lived together harmoniously for the last 15 years, believe it or not, no arguments, no fallouts, we have a good bond and he knows he can come to me for anything or about anything - which he does

My post was asking about when it's acceptable to expect them to move out, and then a bit of a moan

My 20 yr old automatically does his own washing, he has a basket in his room and when its full he sticks it in the washer

We do get board off the 2 older boys and will when the younger go's into full time work

Maybe it's just so different, I couldn't wait to leave home, overbearing controlling parents, i craved independence and left home at 19

Many adults don't want to live with their parents but are screwed over with the cost of housing and renting. It isn't about not wanting independence. On the main, most adult/child relationships would drastically improve if all lived separately. It shouldn't be this way where adult kids have to struggle so hard to get on the property ladder.

You still haven’t answered whose dad is the 15 yo?

have you not thought of having the moving out convo (all normal) with BOTH the 25 yo and 20 yo together? Or is this only relevant to the 25 yo at this point, in your view? @CheekySwan

I would be concerned that your DSS isnt showing any signs of moving out or planning for it - even if not immediately. I would also not enjoy having the GF staying over part of the week.

Not the same because we never got to the living together stage, well almost (for a week before I moved out again) but my DP has 2 DS mid-twenties who show absolutely no signs of moving out EVER. My own DD's have moved away after Uni (last one is at Uni so still home in the holidays). I moved in with DP after a very long long distance relationship (10+ years) - but after a week of living with them I moved back out. Withdrew from my own house sale and I've been back in my own space ever since. In the last 2 years since that happened nothing has changed with that situation, absolutely no sign of movement.

I would say if you DH is not encouraging him to be independent and making noises about getting his own place, then you are going to be stuck in the situation until DSS takes the initiative to move out. It seems money isnt an issue if he has a good job. Will he be wanting to move in with the GF at some point - that at least is encouraging. Neither of my DPs sons have ever had relationships.

At least you are honest about it - he annoys you and begrudge him food - we had a sm here 'concerned at the amount of soft fruit her sd consumes', etc. etc. Cinderella was not written the way it was for nothing, eh?

My partner has brought him up as his own but not his bio dad

20yr old plans to move out with his girlfriend in the next 2 years

thanks. I would use 20 yo plans as spring board to convo with DH and 25.

yup, sorry to agree with those saying he and your DH simply don’t care and I did pick up a lack of respect from dss towards you as any person at 25 25 who doesn’t do his own washing on his own without being asked and not wanting to clean bathroom etc etc is nothing but v v disrespectful and knowing he can get away with it.

you have a DH problem and not a DSS problem. Sorry not proofread as need to go

oh and you clearly aren’t worried about a precedent as your 20 yo is already planning to go in 2 years. On that basis, I too am inclined to think you just don’t really like your DSS. I wouldn’t like someone who shows me no respect (eating up all food, etc not doing his laundry not cleaning bathroom when asked either etc ) and it’s on that basis I would want them gone, so be honest!

I cook meals every day, i don't begrudge him food, the fridge is always full and there plenty of freshfruit in the bowl

You need to get comfortable with not tidying up his mess. Hide your food or put a big sign on it saying Cheekyswans only.

Your DH should be the one handling this and until he feels a bit of the pain through having to do extra tidying and cleaning, there's no incentive.

Actions not words would be my advice !

Sounds like whole household needs to establish ground rules over who does what and some basic courtesy (like trying to be quiet late at night and not eating all of something you didn't buy).

Why would he move out when you do everything for him and his girlfriend gets to stay whenever and he can he inconsiderate and nobody cares? He has it made!

Stop doing his washing, stop cleaning up after him. Jesus Christ! My SS is 17 and has been doing his own washing for years now. He also does the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen every night. He has his GF round but she doesn't stay over, not that we'd mind. He works full time and doesn't go out much at the weekends. If he does he lets us know what time to expect him and if he's going to be home late he comes in quietly. He isn't just like this of his own accord. This has been years of setting boundaries, discipline and adult conversations about respect etc. He knows if he doesn't contribute to the household and doesn't respect the other people living there that he'll be out. DH has already offered to help him fill out a housing application.

As parents, our goal should be to raise functioning members of society. Not overgrown children who can't do anything for themselves. Your DH has failed as a parent.

we get on really well, we've lived together harmoniously for the last 15 years, believe it or not, no arguments, no fallouts, we have a good bond

To be fair, your OP sounded like your relationship was anything but.

And I don't really get the point about comparing the stepson with the 20yo biological son. To me this isn't about the relationship to OP, it's about behaviour. OK so the 20yo is planning to move out anyway. Possibly because the OP has brought him up to be independent. But it's the stepson's behaviour that's the problem, not the 'step'. If the 20yo was going to stay at home but paid his way, didn't eat everything in sight, did his own washing and didn't bring his gf home for a bonk twice a week that would be very different to what the SS is doing. But if he was following the SS's behaviour then he should be moving out too.

Maybe that's half the problem. You've lived together for 15 years and there's been no arguments? So has he just been perfect and there's never been a need for an argument or have you just allowed him to get away with everything?

My SS have a great relationship with his dad and I but there have been plenty arguments, lectures, falling outs. He's pissed off to his mum's or grampas for weeks because he didn't like the rules in our house or because he'd been pulled up for shitty behaviour.

Surely you need to train him to be gentler and more considerate even if you hope he’s going to move out and be someone else’s problem. Leaving kitchen cupboard doors open and fridges and stomping around and being loud isn’t ok in anyone’s house…patents or landlords

My partner has brought him up as his own but not his bio dad
This is why he feels able to inconvenience you so much with his biological son; he is extracting a price from you in return for treating your son as his own.
(It might not be wholly conscious or deliberate but I would say that's what's going on.)

My DS didn't leave home until he bought a house last year. He was 28. He paid toward the household budget and also did some chores. Why can't you say ' hey John I've bought myself a packet of Ringo's biscuits so hands off them please? Said with a smile. You already said he spends 2-3 nights at his gf's place so you do get a break from him. He's your dh's son and it's his home too. Will you be asking your own DS's to leave at 25 or is it only your SS?

Another massive advantage of not having offspring.
Makes me wonder when is your own life gonna start, OP.