Step child 25 and no sign of moving out

[CheekySwan]

AIBU? My stepson has lived with us since he was 10, love him to death but he has just turned 25 and is showing no signs of wanting to move out. I also have 2 other boys 20 & 15 and I feel he is setting a bench mark for them.

SS works, pays board, etc. We do all his washing and clearing up after him, not my choice. He has his girlfriend stay over 2 nights a week (which is really uncomfortable for me as its a small new build and I can hear everything) and stays at hers 2/3 nights.

I just feel like he is still going to be with us when he turns 30 and it's driving me insane. He comes and goes at all different times and now I feel like i'm always on edge. I was doing exercises in the front room the other day and it was red hot so i took my top off so just had sports bra on and went in the kitchen to get a drink and in he walked because he had taken a half day. (It looks more like a crop top than bra so he didn't even notice but not the point). It's little things like that, if i want to sit on a night and take my bra off lol. Also, I will buy random food I want to try and just have it in, but its obvious I've bought it in special because it's stuff I wouldn't normally have in, and when I go for it it's gone, I find myself hiding food, there is a tub of Ban & Jerrys under the veg in the ferezer I keep checking on 😂. There was a brand new pack of Ringtons chocolote cookies in the fridge last night and when I came down this morning the empty packet was on the side, I can't have anything sweet in the house. I have a specific mug i've used for about 10 years, only me that ever uses it, DH has made jokes about it, and the other morning he made a cuppa in it (sounds pathetic I know but its the smaller stuff that's getting to me).

He has the footsteps of an elephant and nothing is shut properly unless its been slammed - or on the other hand, go in the kitchen and its like a scene from poltergeist cause all the cupboard doors are open including the fridge. HELP! Am I the only person that feels this way, am I being unreasonable

I think the issue here is one of transition. I would frame this in a discussion with your DH first, and then jointly with your DSS. Without calm and adult discussion nothing can possibly change.

At present he is continuing to live as he has always done in his home; as a child. As he is now an adult he should begin to change into an adult in a shared adult space. This is normal, but not automatic. I would see house sharing with an adult as a very different proposition and one that is much easier and less frustrating to all parties. In a house share you wouldn’t dream of stealing your roomies food, but as a child we often ‘help ourselves’. Your DH needs to accept that long term sharing with any adult needs to move to a more sustainable model and he is unreasonable not to compromise on previous ‘services’! No one would do another adult house shares washing, one may say “I’m outing a wash on, anyone need anything doing?”

Talk about translation and sustainability of the new normal, work out how this looks and talk to your DH. Infantilising an adult child doesn’t help anyone.

Everyone was (or was supposed to be) out at work & school, I don't generally walk around half naked, it's not a pretty sight lol

Yes, the whole packet, does it quite often. Pack of 4 chocolate mousse gone in 1 sitting, whole packets of biscuits, etc

I wouldn't, everyone was at work/school

But more topless action might frighten him off… I’d go for it 😂

Thus is really normal biological or step 25 year olds are not ideal living companions. Stop doing his chores, increase hus contributions housekeeping wise and get stroppy about treats. Also tell him when you want a but more pprivacy and ask him to start warning you if he's coming home unexpectedly

You need to sit down with him and your husband and be frank.
You need to know his plans. Put his board up to £800 a month and put it in savings for him. In 18 months that will be almost £15k. A very healthy deposit.
Make it clear that he is to buy his own food beyond the family meals you eat together.
He needs to clear up after himself.
He is a 25 year old man, and while it might be necessary for you to provide more help than in previous generations, he still has to pull his weight.

You need a family meeting with ground rules for all.

You buy a basic family shop each week. That is family food.

If anyone wants anything extra they can buy their own - have a cupboard with shelves or boxes allocated to people.

Get them all on board with set chores each week. Every single one of the boys could and should be putting on a wash, hanging it out, ironing, hoovering, cleaning bathroom, taking out bins etc.

If you want them to gain independence you need to at least start expecting it - and your DH needs to get on board with that! (Or he continues to do it but understands you are not!)

You say about taking your bra off of an evening. Well you couldn’t do that anyway with 2 other adult or near adult children in the house. So why is this an issue?
As for the food tell him to stop being so selfish and eating it all! Tell him if he eats something he replaces it. End of story. Tbh it sounds like you just don’t like him being there, but I doubt you’d kick your own child out at 25.
If you want him to move out. Come to an agreement with his father and give him a deadline to work towards. Whether he moves in to rented or a house share or can afford to buy himself

This is very sensible advice.

Why can’t he live in a house share?

He’s earning, it gives him independence and probably more enjoyable to live with other young adults. And obviously better you OP.

sounds like a good option?

@CheekySwan

Ours left at 26, 28, and 29. 2 were SS.

They were saving for deposits. They all did our heads in. I wouldn’t have walked round in a sports bra in front of any of them.

Does he have a plan and a time frame, eg to save a deposit? As that would make a big difference to how I would feel about it.

YABU, he has a right to live there, and life is very hard out there now for young people. They find it very hard to get on the housing ladder, and life is much harder - particularly financially - if you're alone.

Maybe he gets tired of you sometimes!

As pps have said, your 'reasons' for wanting him gone are lame.

Stop doing his washing and cleaning for a start, same goes for your other sons too (the 15 year old maybe help a bit).

Ask him what is plans are, saving for a deposit etc? How realistic is it for him to afford his own place? If he's earning more than you then he should be making plans to be more independent.
If he has no plans to move out then I think a discussion around paying more rent is due especially as he's being inconsiderate around eating more than his fair share of food!

Can you have a shelf in the fridge that you ask him not to touch? Eating a 4 pack of chocolate mousse when you haven't bought them, meaning no one else can have one is just selfish. I'd me making him go out and get a replacement every time. It's not him that's the issue though its your husband babying him

What "right" does he have to live there? Is he the legal owner or named tenant? I assume not. Is he a dependent of the legal owner/named tenant? No. He is a grown man. He has no automatic right to live there!

@EbonyRaven

so you think it’s ok he’s eating all the nice food leaving none for anyone else then?!

At 25 he should be responsible for buying his own snack foods and doing a sizeable share of the household tasks. He should also be doing his own laundry.

You need your OH to be on board with setting boundaries. Then a discussion with him and both of you outlining future expectations. That includes not eating treats in the fridge and buying his own.

Personally I wouldn’t allow his girlfriend to stay over. That’s a red line for me.

As for the rest - the mess, the snaffling all the treats etc- perhaps his dad could have a word?

Living with parents at age 25 is now totally normal and expected.

His girlfriend will be on here in a few years moaning about living with a man baby that can't do the cleaning or wash his own clothes.

Serious conversation needs to happen with your DH.

Our job is to bring up functional adults, not keep them in a perpetual state of dependency

I have both Sons at home, 28 and 32, older one pulls his weight, buys us meals out, theatre, cinema etc, younger one we can’t open our mouths, walk on eggshells constantly, he’s saving up to move out, but it’s so expensive and he and gf can’t afford anything yet.

He earns more than you and you're having to keep him! Sod that!
I wouldn't be doing anything for him or paying for anything for him!

I think it’s the norm to still be living at home at 25 now, cost of living and all that…I’d was married and just moved into our 3rd house by that age! The world has changed without a doubt.
Your SS doesn’t sound awful - you’ve just essentially got 5 adults living in one house and thats bound to be annoying.