Step child 25 and no sign of moving out

[CheekySwan]

AIBU? My stepson has lived with us since he was 10, love him to death but he has just turned 25 and is showing no signs of wanting to move out. I also have 2 other boys 20 & 15 and I feel he is setting a bench mark for them.

SS works, pays board, etc. We do all his washing and clearing up after him, not my choice. He has his girlfriend stay over 2 nights a week (which is really uncomfortable for me as its a small new build and I can hear everything) and stays at hers 2/3 nights.

I just feel like he is still going to be with us when he turns 30 and it's driving me insane. He comes and goes at all different times and now I feel like i'm always on edge. I was doing exercises in the front room the other day and it was red hot so i took my top off so just had sports bra on and went in the kitchen to get a drink and in he walked because he had taken a half day. (It looks more like a crop top than bra so he didn't even notice but not the point). It's little things like that, if i want to sit on a night and take my bra off lol. Also, I will buy random food I want to try and just have it in, but its obvious I've bought it in special because it's stuff I wouldn't normally have in, and when I go for it it's gone, I find myself hiding food, there is a tub of Ban & Jerrys under the veg in the ferezer I keep checking on 😂. There was a brand new pack of Ringtons chocolote cookies in the fridge last night and when I came down this morning the empty packet was on the side, I can't have anything sweet in the house. I have a specific mug i've used for about 10 years, only me that ever uses it, DH has made jokes about it, and the other morning he made a cuppa in it (sounds pathetic I know but its the smaller stuff that's getting to me).

He has the footsteps of an elephant and nothing is shut properly unless its been slammed - or on the other hand, go in the kitchen and its like a scene from poltergeist cause all the cupboard doors are open including the fridge. HELP! Am I the only person that feels this way, am I being unreasonable

Yup! This will bells on!

Otherwise he does sound like a lovely young man, which is all his dad sees, unfortunately!

Also, looks like DH is overcompensating as not many young men at 15 would really want to move in with a 5 yo or whatever age your youngest was and ANOTHER boy. In fact, he and his dad might even feel they did you and your boys a big favour by accepting you.

and you haven’t considered any of this @CheekySwan ? If not, you have many more surprised to come your way!

He's 25, he doesn't need to leave but he's old enough to have a proper sit down and chat. Maybe as no one has brought up anything, he doesn't even think he's doing anything rude or inconsiderate. He's fully an adult now so he can handle a conversation.

@CheekySwan my mum kicked out her eldest son, and a friend kicked out her youngest son. I've spoken to other women over the years who all ended up kicking out a son between the ages of 25 to 30. I also know grandmothers who have had to kick out grandsons but oddly not their sons.

My mum, my friend and some of these other women were all in tears about how these adult men behaved. Very few women have had to kick out adult daughters as women realise they don't get on and move out.

OP you need to have a proper conversation with all the adults in the house - exclude your 15 year old for now - and set ground rules for the adult children.. It doesn't matter if the 20 year old is already doing it you need to explicitly tell them all what these are. Other posters have given you ideas of what to do.

Wow

DH had both his son and daughter, i had both my sons, we took on a new house and all moved in at the same time - no 'favours' were done

I think given the cost of even renting somewhere, regardless of how good his relationship is with you, his dad, and your children, he could be with you for several years to come.

Sad fact that he and his girlfriend suffer from the housing crisis, and you have to cope when you shouldn't.

It was about the set up. I had not mentioned who owns what exactly as it is irrelevant here as you have all lived together for 15 years.

he was 10- my math is now back. One of your sons was 1 yo and the other was 5 years. Not many 10 year olds (your dss) would jump at dad blending families. You seem to not see this.

many many threads on MN of people whose 10 yo don’t want other parent to date let alone move in with another family! No arguments etc etc in 15 years but it looks like this boy must have bottled some of his feelings which are now manifesting in his inconsiderate behaviour which is subtle and he and his dad will no doubt expect you to put up with it.

see dad washing his clothes when you leave it out! Clear example of what’s going on!

So you need to set expectations for all three

They share in the chores

They don't take other people's treats

There isn't a curfew for the older two obvs but they need to let you know a vague time they're coming in or they let you know if they're not

Ground rules for girlfriends (and sex you can hear isn't right for the younger boy)

Agreed. But yet, for some reason OP seems to lay back and take it all as she says ‘she has to accept doing his washing’. Op, this is spread across all life’s aspects of your relationship with dss and well done for identify it- you feel you have to accept it/ you feel there is nothing you can do.

to me, this is what your issue is. You are scared of disrupting the status quo with his dad. So it is a DH problem and not a dss problem.

this is why you started the thread as your fears are real- even after 20 yo moves out in 2 years, it remains v v c likely the 25 yo will still have no plans to move out!

work on communication with your DH first and see what happens!

Unfortunately I think the reality these days is that children are going to live with their parents for a lot longer than they did in the past. I would set some boundaries against eating all the biscuits without replacing them.

And consequently will not be in a position to start a family until it is too late, resulting in a further decline in the birth rate.
Population collapse- here we come.

As I said, the U.K. is staring at the next Great Depression in another name! The decline is terrifying and can’t be reversed without some major intervention!

I personally wouldn't upset the apple cart, it'll only create issues. He'll leave eventually. My brother only left home at 28.

And the OP is fully aware of this. Thankfully! That’s also why no argument all their time together even if not many of us would put up with dss selfish behaviour even if coming from our own sons. At least not without a couple of arguments to try to address it, if a calm convo hasn’t sorted it!

So that’s 3sons and 1gf + you and DH.
congratulations for getting this far amicably thats quite an achievement.
i think you and DH need to make some financial plans - will you retire early,downsize in the future, move somewhere you prefer, help every child with mortgage, need all savings for yourself???
I would need a plan in your shoes to stay sane.
How good are your savings?
You could build a garden room as an exercise room for you or bedroom for SS and gf.
But just floundering like this would do my head in.

You can put a laundry basket in his room and leave him to do his own washing.

If he leaves any bits of clothing around the house, pop it in the laundry bin in his room, that sorts that problem.

Surely step two is to ask about his savings pot for his future home/rental? Obviously, this conversation should come from his dad, but a simple "how are your savings coming along for getting your own place?" could give you a very good idea of he's planning to move out shortly or not at all (in which case he needs to be told that's not possible!)

But essentially if his Dad is happy with him living at home, you're going to have to change his mind first, before his son's.

It sounds like you need to have a big review of ground rules - prepare with DH then sit down with at least the two older ones to agree what the deal is. You could perhaps find an excuse relating to one of the younger ones as a reason for the review - "now two of you are earning", "now you're all 16+".

Don't make it too cushy; partly for your own sanity, partly because otherwise they'll never move out, and partly because otherwise they (or their partners) will find it very difficult when they do eventually move out and need to do their own washing and cleaning.

You might want some ground rules about overnight guests, particularly thinking about what this might be like 5 years down the line if all three of them want to do the same. He and his girlfriend are effectively laying claim to two double rooms. You might at least agree with him which nights he will be hosting, and expect him to ask/let you know if he wants to vary that, so that you know what to expect (and also so that if DS2 starts wanting to do the same, you can organise things so the house is never too full).

Label up shelves in your kitchen for each person and for communal stuff, or have some system for labeling "personal food". Make sure there's a system for flagging when the rice/pasta/coffee etc is getting low.

Unfortunately some of them don't regardless of the state of the economy and whether there is a housing crisis.

Also many more boomerang back if things go wrong. Single able-bodied men are the people councils don't house in a housing crisis. They are also more likely than women not to be put up by friends due to their generally inconsiderate nature.

All this stuff about the housing ladder is irrelevant. Buying at that age is unrealistic without serious help (ie savings built by staying at home, or inheritance). If that's not an option he can go and rent in a house share like lots of other 25 year old professionals. You don't need to be stuck with him.

How much has he managed to save for a deposit? What is his goal number and how much longer to reach it?

as long as he is living in someone else’s home, this is not private information. This should be discussed with his father and shared with you. If he isn’t saving aggressively, he shouldn’t be living there. This is a huge opportunity for him and his parent needs to make sure it is not being wasted.

I have withheld talks of money, savings and deposits as to me, it was clear v v early on OP has no clue if this might be opening a can of worms if for eg DH says op and DH should plan to give dds a set amount 1) to rent somewhere or 2) buy somewhere.

And seeing other boys are still youngish, DH may say op and him will have a plan later for the younger ones. DH may also suggest it was time to down size to give dss and all kids some money already for their own place. Op just doesn’t know. What is clear is op is aware not to upset the status quo.

We introduced a dishwasher rota and the oldest coincidentally moved out within a week (not sure they ever did their turns!).

He earns more than me, he has a really good job, it's just frustrating, there's never anything left for anyone else.

I don't think you are unreasonable. I wouldn't really want a couple shagging in room next to me & eating whole packets of treat food is selfish. I would get a box & hide any treats & not buy any in & see if he notices.

Is he even saving up to move out?

What's wrong with them living in shared houses? No-one I knew owned a home in their 20's during the 90's except a few who'd been working since 16 - certainly no graduates. We all lived in various shared house permutations. Admittedly, rents were cheaper then but still, there wasn't this kind of expectation to own to own a house until your 30's.

Bring it on.....

I’m guessing you don’t have many 20 somethings in your life. Here in the south east a room in a shared house can cost around 50% of a graduate’s take home pay. It’s not surprising therefore, with the cost of everything else on top, that they need to stay in the family home longer than past generations would have. My first London rent was £400 a month in the early 90’s. Now it would be over £1000