Step child 25 and no sign of moving out

[CheekySwan]

AIBU? My stepson has lived with us since he was 10, love him to death but he has just turned 25 and is showing no signs of wanting to move out. I also have 2 other boys 20 & 15 and I feel he is setting a bench mark for them.

SS works, pays board, etc. We do all his washing and clearing up after him, not my choice. He has his girlfriend stay over 2 nights a week (which is really uncomfortable for me as its a small new build and I can hear everything) and stays at hers 2/3 nights.

I just feel like he is still going to be with us when he turns 30 and it's driving me insane. He comes and goes at all different times and now I feel like i'm always on edge. I was doing exercises in the front room the other day and it was red hot so i took my top off so just had sports bra on and went in the kitchen to get a drink and in he walked because he had taken a half day. (It looks more like a crop top than bra so he didn't even notice but not the point). It's little things like that, if i want to sit on a night and take my bra off lol. Also, I will buy random food I want to try and just have it in, but its obvious I've bought it in special because it's stuff I wouldn't normally have in, and when I go for it it's gone, I find myself hiding food, there is a tub of Ban & Jerrys under the veg in the ferezer I keep checking on 😂. There was a brand new pack of Ringtons chocolote cookies in the fridge last night and when I came down this morning the empty packet was on the side, I can't have anything sweet in the house. I have a specific mug i've used for about 10 years, only me that ever uses it, DH has made jokes about it, and the other morning he made a cuppa in it (sounds pathetic I know but its the smaller stuff that's getting to me).

He has the footsteps of an elephant and nothing is shut properly unless its been slammed - or on the other hand, go in the kitchen and its like a scene from poltergeist cause all the cupboard doors are open including the fridge. HELP! Am I the only person that feels this way, am I being unreasonable

Yes, that's why mine are at home. I wouldn't be able to put up partners though..And I don't do their washing or cleaning. I do cook a family dinner.

Really? None of mine still lived with me at 25. Not did any of us live with parents at that age

My son has a room in a shared house in the south east. He's a student with a part time job. . Pays £500 a month. So I don't see why a graduate couldn't afford it

DS could not find anything in London below £1000 a month for a room in a shared house.

Shared houses are grim anyway. I lived in one briefly when I was 17. Hated it then. It was my only option as I couldn't live at home, I wouldn't make my DS do it. Unless he wanted to of course. Can't say it did anything to help build my character!

You want to sit around with your bra off even though you’ve got a 20 and 15 year old sons? I wouldn’t do that in front of either my son or step-son.

Anyway, back to the original point. 25, with no signs of moving out, must be annoying. Have you sat down with him to make a 12/18 month savings plan to get money together for a rental deposit and first months rent?

I moved out at 24 to rent on my own. Ended up meeting my now husband and now on a joint mortgage.
id not recommend renting to anyone looking back as it’s a waste of money but I was desperate for independence (have an awesome family but really wanted to experience doing stuff on my own!) and so although a waste of money it was not a wasted experience. Learning to manage my own bills, budget, my own company. pre moving out though I was very involved in running the family home. Laundry, cleaning, cooking, I was not a lazy adult!!
I worked shifts around uni to pay my rent and bills. Was hard work but I’m glad I did it!
so I wouldn’t say it’s unreasonable for a 25 year old to be at home IF they’re saving a deposit. If he’s just taking advantage that’s a piss take especially if he’s not helping to run the household.

I totally feel the same. My son is only 13 but able to cook a basic dinner for himself, if we have a squeeze on logistics in the week. He can do laundry, clean etc (to a 13 year old standard!), not that it matters but he attends a specialist settling for autism. My 22 year (no SEN) SS texts her dad while in the house to put the washing line up for her. She does this after my son overheard and just went out and did it. I hid a tub of ice cream last week to find I didn't hide it well enough. She is like a locust for these things. Accompanied with snidy little remarks about our rescue dog that I got while she was at uni. There has been an uptick in being less of a slob but it all very grudging like we are doing her a favour. Up to now my OH has been like yours running about after her, but told him I'd had enough and I think he actually had a word with her to pull her socks up.

Had the exact same thing re exercise, but her boyfriend walking in on me. He is actually lovely and I hoping will be the catalyst to her leaving as he is from a very rich family!!!

I have the same issue just wanting to keep the peace and she has lived with us a similar length of time to you OP. Older 28 year old lived with us, now with mum. Literally no sign of moving out, despite the financial ability to do so.

It all sounds petty to people that don't have to live this every day. Not being able to totally relax in your home is horrible. I would say you need to speak it up. It definitely made things easier for me. Speak to him one on one. Don't go through your partner. He probably thinks all this behaviour is OK because people don't pick him up. Doesn't have to be done in a nasty way. I say 'Hey I noticed that.....' 'Would you mind....' not 'Why haven't you done.....stop doing x'.

I'm 25 and still at home because my wage doesn't allow me to rent or buy. If I found out my parents were posting this type of thing about me I'd be heartbroken! This is so unnecessary and nasty

Not really. Being at home at 25 is one thing, being disrespectful, not pulling your weight and eating anything in the fridge you care to without considering others is another. For me, that's the crux of the issue, not his age or relationship to OP. He sounds like he's a bit spoilt and lazy, of course that's annoying to live with.

What would happen if/did happen when you talked to him about this?

Talk about his plans etc, what does he want to do with his life. You need to find out. Maybe you'll calm down. You'll soon miss him one day when the house is quite xx

Student lets are not comparable - landlords know there is a limit to what they can charge

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease

presumably you pull your weight around the weight around the house and you don’t eat all the nice food leaving none for anyone else though?

@LuckySantangelo35 I do as much as I can while also working full time and studying, but in any event this type of post is just nasty

You have already set a bench mark to this point OP.

Do you cook his meals or does he cook for himself as you don't mention this?

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease

but why though? Is Op not entitled to feel frustrated that this adult man living in her house expects her to clean up after him and eats all the nice food leaving none for her and anyone else! She’s not a robot! Parents, stepparents etc are just people, not saints - and they feel anger, irritation, frustration etc just like anyone else - and that’s ok!

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP but there clearly is a communication problem and a problem with your DSS understanding what is normal and respectable.

Your first problem is your DH. If he won't back you up it's going to be difficult. You need to discuss and reach an acceptable level of behaviour for both of you. Perhaps coming at it from a place of concern that he will need, at some point, to function like an adult (and most young women won't put up with this crap). Then being very clear about what you will and won't do.

That said you are enabling his behaviour and setting a terrible example - why are you doing his washing? I know it's difficult but I would stop clearing up after him and stop buying any treats/snacks that aren't yours and hidden.

He's 25, not a child, the relationship needs to move to adult to adult,

Where are young people supposed to live?
Rents are sky high!!

@PassingStranger

they’re not sky high everywhere. And they’re not sky high if you don’t live on your own.

Our young adults quite often ate ‘treat’ stuff. It was bought for the house.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow exactly. In my house the food I buy for myself on my own food shop is fair game so theirs is too!!

Completely ridiculous comment. He’s a 25 year old man, not a poor stepchild.

I was married, two degrees, had moved to London, had a good job, owned my own flat and had my first child all at 25. And no, this wasn’t decades ago - less than 5 years ago.

This man earns a better salary than OP. He can move out and live in a house share or with his girlfriend.

Not doing his own laundry, eating food he didn’t buy, leaving the packaging on the side - it’s pathetic.

It was bought for the house. Not for one person to snaffle it all as soon as it apeared.

The food thing would drive me mad and everyone would know. Dh would know that I was royally pissed at him if he didn’t back me up that if I buy a packet of biscuits then nobody else in the house is to be a greedy selfish fucker and eat them all. Thats just basic isn’t it? I’d be calling everyone down , asking who’s the greedy sod and sending them out to replace it.