Step child 25 and no sign of moving out

[CheekySwan]

AIBU? My stepson has lived with us since he was 10, love him to death but he has just turned 25 and is showing no signs of wanting to move out. I also have 2 other boys 20 & 15 and I feel he is setting a bench mark for them.

SS works, pays board, etc. We do all his washing and clearing up after him, not my choice. He has his girlfriend stay over 2 nights a week (which is really uncomfortable for me as its a small new build and I can hear everything) and stays at hers 2/3 nights.

I just feel like he is still going to be with us when he turns 30 and it's driving me insane. He comes and goes at all different times and now I feel like i'm always on edge. I was doing exercises in the front room the other day and it was red hot so i took my top off so just had sports bra on and went in the kitchen to get a drink and in he walked because he had taken a half day. (It looks more like a crop top than bra so he didn't even notice but not the point). It's little things like that, if i want to sit on a night and take my bra off lol. Also, I will buy random food I want to try and just have it in, but its obvious I've bought it in special because it's stuff I wouldn't normally have in, and when I go for it it's gone, I find myself hiding food, there is a tub of Ban & Jerrys under the veg in the ferezer I keep checking on 😂. There was a brand new pack of Ringtons chocolote cookies in the fridge last night and when I came down this morning the empty packet was on the side, I can't have anything sweet in the house. I have a specific mug i've used for about 10 years, only me that ever uses it, DH has made jokes about it, and the other morning he made a cuppa in it (sounds pathetic I know but its the smaller stuff that's getting to me).

He has the footsteps of an elephant and nothing is shut properly unless its been slammed - or on the other hand, go in the kitchen and its like a scene from poltergeist cause all the cupboard doors are open including the fridge. HELP! Am I the only person that feels this way, am I being unreasonable

We has 3. It was fair game. And also amusing. Couldn’t get worked up about it.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow
@NeedSomeAnswersPlease

exactly! Any treats are for EVERYONE! Not just one person to eat all by themselves as OP’s stepson is doing. So we’re agreeing 😀

@LuckySantangelo35 but you don't actually know if he's eaten all of them or if OP resents him

I dont mind my DC eating stuff. I probably would find it difficult if a SC did.

This is why I will never be a stepmum.

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease

well yeah I’m taking it that op is telling the truth. With all OP’s I assume they’re telling the truth.

Just don’t get this attitude at all. 50% of take home pay - so what? Of course he can afford to move out and live by himself - as almost all these adult children who hang around their parents houses can.

When I first rented in London (at 22), my share of rent was £750, and my take home pay was about £1,100. I made it work. I fact, it was some of the best times of my life, learning how to cook, clean, pay bills, be an adult. I didn’t feel that skint. Partied with my friends every week. Not hanging around at home leaving all the cupboard doors open, eating all the treats my step-mum buys and not cleaning up after myself, like some kind of overgrown child.

These young adults may not want to leave home, because they want to go straight into their own flat, or straight onto the property ladder. Unrealistic expectations. But for decades, young people have moved into slightly grotty or overcrowded houseshares as their first step into adulthood. It’s a rite of passage.

I would have been embarrassed to be mooching off my parents at that age. I couldn’t wait to be independent. And I actually don’t think it does your children any favours to let them keep living in perpetual adolescence like this.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

good for you. But a lot of people would find it irritating and selfish rather than amusing. Were you really ok with never getting to eat any of the treat food that you bought?

Not everyone’s like you though.

Ours were at home to save for deposits. They all manage to cook, clean, pay bills in their own houses now ( paid for by the saved deposit)

They managed to have social lives and become fully functioning adults.

They were entertaining and amusing to have around and not ever resented. Including ss’s

I'd be insisting he does his own washing, up his board due to quantity of food he eat (buy more and not get annoyed if he eats lots!) and ask DH to have a conversation about his exit plan.

As others have also reported, I did a house share in London age 21 that cost nearly 50% of my wages - didn't leave much for socialising or saving but it's just what you do or at least did back then . Sound alike he earns well so needs to be saving hard or accepting he needs to move on an be a bit more independent but needs support and encouragement to do this.

Most of this sounds par for the course from what I've seen of my friends' adult children. (None of my own.)

Re: sex that other family members can hear. I'd sit them both down and tell them that this is a problem. Out of respect for other family members, they should be keeping the noise down, and if they can't they need to move out.

One friend did this with her son and his partner, and they was so mortified it never happened again!

You can start the precedent by kicking out your own 20 years old out. He is 2 years overdue to move out also!

Okay, the thread isn’t about your children though. OPs stepson is not being a good housemate. It would clearly benefit him
to move out and learn to be independent - do his own washing, cook his own food. Learn to be less selfish. And of course OP isn’t being unreasonable to ask a 25-year-old with no additional needs, and who earns more than she does, to move out of her house.

It’s nice and a privilege for young adults to live at home for a bit and save a deposit, if their parents agree. But it’s not true that they can’t afford to live independently, they have no other choice, as some people on this thread are saying. Of course there’s a choice.

There is no way I would allow sex in my house. They can move out if they want that. But then I am from a different culture so that's where I draw the line.

Would you rather they did it in a car or in the street? Come on, people have sex. May as well be done somewhere safe.

Not to mention leaving the empty packet on the side!

He's had it too free and easy OP

OP clearly you just need to have a stern conversation with him. He shouldn't be taking your food, whether he's 5 or 25. Talk to him about all your concerns. Explain that he needs to stick with a few house rules if he wishes to stay and ensure your DC are given the same rules to adhere to.

Parenting isn't really a job with an end date, I'm afraid it's a case of being in for the long haul 😂 I'm fully expecting mine to be stuck with us here for many more years too.

South East is more than just London you know

Eurgh I am dreading his and I don’t have step children!

I don’t want my children living with me until they are 30, they should be living independently. However, I am aware this is sadly the new norm due to housing costs…so, the way I be dealing with it is setting strict rules..

No boyfriend/girlfriend staying over more than one night a week- and they need be quiet, no one should be hearing them having sex (ew)
Rent and food money paid
Make your own meals and drinks
Laundry
No friends allowed over.

Dont make their life too easy or they will never leave!

My parents are only now just empty nesters as my brother and sister lived with them up to 30 years old.

Yes I know.
I was just saying how much London rents have gone up. No idea where OP lives.

It's not a student let actually. His flatmates are all full time workers.

How to make sure your children never leave home ➡️ let them use your home as their shagpad

You know how everyone is charging their DC rent and board? I won't be.
That's my culture. Which I am sticking to. What DC lose by not bringing partners over they gain by free board and food. I am happy with that decision.

North East, rent is approx £600 for a 2 bed, a 1 bed flat £450

You can buy a decent little terraced for £70k

This was never a post about hating my SC, I wanted to know if other people were experiencing this, when is reasonable to expect an adult child to start to make the move to fly the nest and purely to vent some frustration. Some of the comments on here are harsh, rude and uncalled for

This sounds very much like I've done my charity, now can he f-off.

With your update, I don't think you would be unreasonable to ask him to at least make a plan to move out.