Should a sahm do dh ironing?

[crocly]

I have 2 small children and one due in October and I hate ironing.
I haven't ironed dh shirts in about a year since I told him I was not going to do it.
The ironing pile has grown over the past year and dh is complaining he has no clothes and he keeps asking for them to be ironed and nothings been ironed in a year.
It's all his T-shirts I don't iron my clothes and I don't iron the children's unless it's a particular item that needs it.
I am a sahm at the moment but I really don't like ironing and nor does he am I right to refuse as he wears it, he irons it or is this just part of my role as a sahm?

Then I've mistaken you for someone else worrying in their views and for that I apologise.

But the rest I stand by. Referring to "those women" makes you sound like a sexist man. And you don't speak for all women. We're all different and some of us work for what we get out of it mentally as well as the independence and money.

Not all women want to stay home ironing, not all women want to work. Both are allowed.

Good points.

Fair enough I don’t talk for all women, but I stand by my points too.

I can assure you I am not a sexist man. While I would certainly not be someone’s skivvie, if someone else was putting food on the table and allowing myself and my kids a good life I really wouldn’t have a problem with a few shirts. There’s a line and it takes good team work to make it work.

SAHM means SAHMUM.

Every SAHM I know (which is a lot - hundreds over the years) does it because they KNOW they can care for and stimulate and educate their child better than anyone else. That is all there is to it. And the DHs know this as well. Why pay someone else to do what you can do better yourself?

SAHM has nothing to do with housework. Sure, you might pick up more because you’re physically there. You do what you can and what needs doing, like anyone else.

However, pretty much every family I have ever met with a SAHM has a cleaner.

No point SAH with your children if you’re just going to plonk them somewhere while you spend most of the day cleaning!

Are people who do office jobs expected to clean the office as well? No.

Nope. Just because some people think it’s not unreasonable for her to do the ironing if she’s a SAHM doesn’t mean they would think that. At all. If you both work you split the housework and childcare accordingly.

You can't stand by your points if you're admitting you don't speak for all women, because your point was that "those women who work would stay home if they were paid to" and not all would.

You would be happy to stay home, look after kids and do all the domestic labour. Fine, good for you. Acknowledging that other women feel differently doesn't devalue your own feelings. Refusing to makes you seem sexist.

You can call me what you like, my point is it’s just a few shirts for goodness sake! It’s hardly slave labour.

Your post assumes that the OP has been forced into having kids and being a SAHM. Assuming she has some agency, it would have been mutually agreed would it not ?

So this time it's just a few shirts that's she's explicitly said she isn't doing. She does them. Where's the line?

It's just a few pots to wash up after dinner. It's just an extra vacuum round and you're home all day. It's just the lawn. It's just a bit of extra cooking to do from scratch cos he doesn't like the shortcuts.

She put a boundary in. We're all entitled to them. This is her line. You'll have yours. Would you break a boundary you'd put in place because "it's just a few...."?

If you’re not working at all then I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to ask for you to iron his shirts given he’s bringing in the money.

👌🏼

Why does she have to SAH so he can advance his career?

DH and I have 2 kids. Both of us work FT in senior roles. Neither of us needed the other one to be at home to advance our careers. Travel is scheduled in advance and we coordinate so the other is WFH when the other is away. Don’t get me wrong, there’s been a lot of juggling and stress sometimes if something’s been missed off calendar. We divvy everything up including cooking, cleaning, dentists, inset days, child sickness cover etc.

We’re not an anomaly. All of the women who work at my org also have DHs who work or are single and still manage to get shit done. There’s nobody at home.

And the Op hasn’t been back… unless I missed it.

@Safi7

It’s got nothing to do with equality

It's got everything to do with equality. Equality is being able to choose and actually follow through on that choice.

The amount of people on here who don't think being a SAHM is work is disgusting. The fact that they don't 'make any money' is just an added insult, not something to point at and justify archaic, patriarchal wet dreams about having a servant.

At the very least SAHMs 'salaries' are equal to the amount of money putting kids into full-time nursery would cost so their financial contribution is not nothing. If those same women had a job outside the home that earned them that much money to put in the bank, would people still expect them to iron their partner's shirts when they got home???

And let’s not forget they’re ‘his’ kids. Some posts read as though the OP has had no input into either having children or how they are cared for. They are not ‘his kids’ they are their children.

Because when you aren't both in senior positions, often the cost of childcare is more than the extra brought in. That's the position my friend is in. She goes to work, they're operating at a loss. He won't even consider sacrificing any of his career to look after the kids.

Alongside that his role means he has to work longer hours that aren't covered by regular childcare. So she couldn't work different hours, because to get the kids looked after of an evening or weekend would cost them even more.

He's been promoted twice while she's been home. She enabled that by taking on all the childcare and domestic labour, letting him focus on the promotion. He's never had to take a day sick with the kids, or to go to any child related activities in the day.

My DH wants to be there for as much as he can, so we both work, but both sacrifice a bit. This suits me perfectly because I also enjoy my work and the independence and want to progress. But if one stayed home, the other would have the ability to pursue many more career opportunities.

I’m all the years I was a SAHM through 4 kids - my focus was them. My DH wouldn’t have expected any less. Anyone can do housework or ironing - just pay an agency or a dry cleaner if you’re fussed about that. But not just ‘anyone’ can be what a mum is, simply because to any paid person, it’s just a job. They don’t love your child.

I understand that some families have no choice than for both parents to work, just like I accept some women don’t have the tolerance to be around young children all day. I understand that some women and men would feel insecure being ‘only a mum’ or ‘only a dad’ and dime people need the stimulation of their jobs. I get all that.

But, how hard is it to understand that equally, many women feel great about being SAHMs and they don’t feel reduced by it at all because they know the value if what they are doing and they feel nobody can do it better. The DHs also know that no child care is going to be better for their child than their own mum. So that’s why families have SAHMs. Nothing to do with housework - that’s by the by.

And nobody is paying for anyone if you have shared finances in a family. Wtf! Most couples wouldn’t think like that. If my husband ‘funds’ me then it’s only because I’ve taken on the bulk of caring for his kids to enable him to do that. Otherwise he would have had to pay a third party to become involved in the upbringing of our children and we don’t want that or need it. As I said, why pay for something you don’t need or want and you can do better yourself?

This

I career changed after mat leave (1 year leave), started in a very junior position, and paid into a nanny share which cost more than my wage at the time (DC went to nursery at 3). However, I looked at the long term benefit knowing childcare wouldn’t last for ever. Not working due it being cheaper to be at home than pay childcare is a short term view. I’ve been promoted multiple times since kids births so has DH.

Also why would you have more than one kid with a sexist man?

Some people can't afford the short term hit though. If the money isn't coming in to cover the bills, how do you get to the long term gain?

I wouldn't have one child with a sexist man, never mind multiple. But some women do, and some men don't show their sexism until it's too late.

I'd have loved to have been able to stay at home with the kids. I hated having to leave them. If dh had been earning enough for me not to have to work, of course I'd have ironed his shirts. Why on earth not.

Nothing at all demeaning about trying to make your partner's life that but easier. Being a sahm is a hell of a lot easier than going out to work all day. Why should the person going out to work all day have to iron in the evenings ffs.

I'm sure it wouldn't go down well with those that say "let him iron his own" if the worker cut their hours, thereby bringing in less money in order to do what the stay at home won't do.

Obviously some families can’t afford for both parents not to be working. But some can. People on here talk about childcare as if it’s default. It’s not! Many families don’t even consider childcare. Why would you if you don’t want it or need it? What has some woman in a nursery got to do with our family?

And how is paying another WOMAN (because they invariably are) practically minimum wage to be with your baby / child, some great act of liberating feminism? Fine if you want or need to use childcare, but let’s not pretend it’s anything other than what it is.

Strange how men aren’t queuing up to be nursery staff on MW isn’t it.