Partner too close to teen daughter?

[VivienneBMama]

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

My first step mum yes my dad really gets around always seemed very jealous of mine and my sisters relationship with my dad. We both have a similar sense of humor to him and we used to laugh together a lot. She did try and come between us and I believe that (along with other things) ended their relationship. Maybe you are a bit jealous OP, but on the other hand the lap sitting and physical contact to the point she has been mistaken for his gf doesn’t sit right with me. Trust your gut. She will need to get some independence one day though because he isn’t going to be around forever, maybe approach it from that perspective. When I first started uni I was calling my dad at all hours in a panic, but over the years once I’d become more accustomed to living on my own it did die down, mainly because he helped me foster independence instead of just giving me solutions.

I used to sit on my dad's lap when I was a teen. Only for a few seconds whilst he gave me a few pecks on the head or patted my hair. It was completely innocent and I think he forgot that I had grown up. He still treated me like a baby. He did the same to my brothers.

I think we live in a hyper sexualised culture where this is now seen as weird and inappropriate. I get why you're uncomfortable. She will grow out of this eventually.

I was late 20”s when my father moved on and remarried. I was too old to move in with them, but I found it very very difficult. It definitely changes your relationship. At just 15 she must have felt this. You as the daughter shift from pole position in their eye, to position number two. He will inevitably put your needs first and this is probably her trying to rebalance that. Saying things like I just need some time with my dad and monopolising him when she’s around is probably more to do with her insecurities than anything else.
Why not have some time alone with her yourself? Look for shared interests and develop your own fun things to do. Perhaps compensating in this way will give her less of a reliance on him, if she’s not getting that from her own mother. This may help rebalance over time.

This is false. In fact with emotional incest there cannot be an actual sexual element or it simply qualifies as physical incest.

This is excessive by anyone standards. Not only is this hurting you emotionally. It is damaging this girls independence.

How is she going to cope moving on in life. Hope she gets a boyfriend. But maybe this is not motivating her to get one.

Yes there should be love between father and daughter but it's a different kind of love and if anyone can get confused by their interaction. Then something is definitely wrong.

It's very sensitive. So this needs to be approached with caution. May be starting from I wonder why that person taught she was your girlfriend 🤔. May be he can start reflecting. I can imagine what it's like for you. So sorry

This sounds like a really tricky situation.

I'm not a step-parent and my children are still young so I have no experience of step-parenting teens (although I myself had step-parents on both sides when I was a teen).

FWIW though, I think you need to have a frank conversation with your husband. I would focus on two things:

1. his daughter is clearly, and understandably, insecure - how can he support her in healthy ways to feel more secure? could he encourage her to get some therapy? (unis often have free counselling services for students; that could be a good starting point) could he think about how he is parenting/supporting her and whether he is doing it in a way that helps her to feel secure and confident? Obviously the ultimate goal is for her to be a secure and independent adult but I think if you focus on the dependence v independence issue, he might feel that you are trying to get him to push her away, so you'll need to tread carefully there. It's about her wellbeing mainly and clearly her relationship with her father is key to that, for now at least.
2. physical boundaries. It's obviously a sensitive topic to broach with him and you'll need to tread carefully. I think I'd pick my battles with this one. Hopefully if (1) is addressed she will naturally become less physically clingy over time, without you or him having to make a thing of it. However, I would want to ask him not to allow her to sit on his lap - I find it inappropriate and I think most people do. You could say something along the lines of " I know that it's completely innocent but a lot of people would find it inappropriate and feel uncomfortable". If he argues with this you'll have to remind him about the person who mistook them for boyfriend/girlfriend. You could tell him that friends/family have made comments to you about it. Point out that it would be awful if people suspected anything inappropriate was going on when it clearly isn't.

I think when you talk to him, you need to make it clear that you trust him, you trust that he loves both of you and is parenting his daughter as best he can - just that you have noticed some things that you feel would help them both.

I have a DSD who is extremely tactile with DP. She's early 20s now. She doesn't visit often due to her work schedule but when she does she'll often ask for head/shoulder massage. She'll lay with her head on his leg when watching TV and similar.
This is how it's always been, ever since she was little. She has a partner and behaves the same regardless of whether he's here or not.
Both her and DP are ASD and I think this is some of the reasoning behind it.

I've never found it weird, but then if any of my children (age up to 17) come for a hug, I allow it. My eldest loves me playing with his hair to this day. It's just how we are, we don't shy around affection if that makes sense.

I don't think it's inappropriate at all but knowing not everyone is the same, I can see how it could be misunderstood. I've just always seen it as having a close bond with our children.

I don't know if this will help any, but just wanted to give another perspective.

Thank you for the perspective, it does help x

Thank you for the helpful ideas.
Desptie what some others have said i genuinely want her happiness , and I have no issue with them being close but I want it to be healthy, i think addressing it like you have suggested is a good place to start.

Exactly, I want them to be close but I want them to have boundaries and we’ve always said children come first , but it does feel excessive and slightly unhealthy .

So her mother did 'abandon her' and her fathers moved onto someone else's family and into their home. Does she actually have somewhere to call home?

That's right. It's using a child like a surrogate spouse in ways that are not sexual. They might, however, be sexually charged, with some level of sexual tension. A grown woman sitting on her father's lap could be considered sexually charged. Or it could just be innocent childishness. The problem is that we don't know which it is.

Hey,
when I was little my parents broke up. My father got remarried to a horrible woman and she had four kids. They then had a kid together. When we use to see our dad her kids always had to be there. Myself and siblings could never get that one to one time with him. It was so hurtful. Going to the shops, camping, anything her kids always had to be there: we seen him once every other weekend and couldn’t have alone time with him. It was horrible.
the way I see it is, her half siblings have their dad all to themselves while she can’t. She wants that one on one with him and I think that’s normal.
she hasn’t grown up with her dad there full time so she doesn’t know how to express herself properly so mentally she is starting young like sitting on the lap and holding hands. She’s missed out on having that experience with her dad. I see no harm.
my dad is more involved in our life’s now that we are older and he has left her. I still call him everyday if I needed his opinion on something or just to tell him about my day and he tells me about his.
I don’t see any harm. All I see is a daughter being close to her dad. Wouldn’t you want your sons to be the same way when they’re her age? My son in 17 and I had him when I was 16 we went out once and people thought he was my boyfriend. He doesn’t go out with me anymore lol. But my point is. It could be that he had her young so still looks young.
I get where she is coming from with wanting to be close to her dad. Think about how it would have made you feel growing up without a dad and watching him with other kids and being there more for them than her. I see no harm.

A child being used as a surrogate spouse by their father has a much increased risk of sexual abuse. If you see this happening, please report it.

Yes she has a bedroom here and a bedroom as her mums place too. But she calls our house ‘ home’
i totally understand she might feel misplaced and out of sorts - especially since moving to university . The bit I struggle with is the physical closeness , and also the dependency / co dependency but I’m trying to work out if it’s my problem / none of my business/ or something that is a little odd but will change over time .

That does sound really hard and hurtful and I appreciate the insight.
We have managed to blend together quite well , and I am actually quite close to DSD we don’t do enough together alone but since she has gone to university it’s harder for us to bond as much. I am mindful of what you have said , and in constantly questioning myself which is why I haven’t said anything . I get her needs and the need to feel close and not left out , but I also want to check in that it’s healthy and not codependent because I see she feels more anxious when he’s around and less confident. When he’s away and it’s just us she almost seems more relaxed . Ira complicated but I promise I will never make her feel bad about it. If I ever voice it, it will be to him in a careful way. I’ve actually booked a therapist session for next week and whatever I do I will tread carefully.

Note to self. Don’t love my daughters as it gives people the “ick”

You do seem like a genuine lovely person. When we started to have our dad back in our lives full time it was hard to adjust we didn’t know how to act around him. We were worried if we say something or do something he may leave again. Now I’m in my 30s I know that’s not the case now. But when you’re young you don’t know.
I think if there was any foul play going on with your step daughter and dad they wouldn’t be doing it openly infront of you. I know it’s gross to think like that. But people tend to hide it.
im sure it will all calm down soon. Especially when she realises she can see him now whenever she wants.