Partner too close to teen daughter?

[VivienneBMama]

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

Why I asked if dad is rich, unfortunately I know many many rich dads who, when you see them with their tall 18/19/20 yo daughters, you do a double take when they say ‘this is my daughter’.

and they are just close with nothing going on. These dads are fit and so are their daughters as many rich/ wealthy pp are. Dads take daughters designer shopping etc etc. new girlfriends would need. a very thick skin. However, 99% of those I have met, are still happily married to their wives, daughters’ mothers!

these dads are also very close to their own mum, with only the age difference a give away it is not their wives.

the girl must be scarred dad would abandon her in favour of you and your sons. She barely sees own mum. I don’t envy the young woman.

What and whose boundaries are they crossing??
if they are both happy with it (and assuming there is or has been no sexual abuse) its absolutely no one else business apart from theirs.

Holding hands, cuddling, sitting on his lap...it's plain weird. Would absolutely give me the ick.

I was really affectionate with my dad before he died, only called him once a week and very much lived my own life but when I was home I'd curl up on the sofa with him for a hug. I don't think that's in any way 'disgusting' or 'wrong' and it's a bit sad to make that judgement. The rest of it does sound like she's much too dependent on him which can't be healthy for her.

Or maybe it’s just a bit Donald/Ivanka Trump. It’s weird as hell.

Well basically you are saying the same thing.
For some reason you are trying to undermine OP's very legitimate concerns about the relationship between her partner and his daughter.

I'm not undermining.

I don't agree with her that there are any concerns at all.

You can't undermine something that doesn't exist.

I think the problem is in the OP. It's her jealousy

A lot of a young teenage womans safety and security comes from her dad.

She will be especially attached to her dad and needing comfort and security when she sees him, as her parents are split up.

Let's say that we all have a partner who has a 19 year old teenage daughter with another woman.

The daughter is coming round to my house. She is laughing, she is getting all my partners attention when she's there.

What does the stepmother get out of that situation. Nothing. She loses attention by the stepdaughter being around.

Of course the stepmother is going to get jealous.

The question is can you be strong enough and mature enough to overcome the jealousy. Can you also be kind and see it from the stepdaughter side. That she needs her dad's attention and lobe.

Or the other option is :

Date a man who doesn't have a teenage daughter

Maybe the "adult" thing to do would be for the adult older woman to consider her teenage stepdaughters needs.

Instead of being jealous of her

Honestly don't focus on whether they are right or wrong, just focus on gathering your feelings and sharing them.
Then it's up to him how to validate your feelings and he's perfectly entitled to maintain the relationship with his daughter and at that point you will be able to decide whether you can accept that or not.

I think your own experience has given you a very warped worldview. The op is perfectly right to find this behaviour inappropriate and cringey - there is nothing bitter or resentful in her posts, just a sense of unease and rightful concern.

Ew, it’s giving Donald and Ivanka.

'She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.'

That's what the OP said so it looks like she is considering her stepdaughter's needs. In today's society (rightly or wrongly) it's a bit strange for an adult daughter to sit on her dad's knee.

Actually it is the daughter who is jealous of the time her father spends with OP. Not the other way round.
Personally I have never seen a 19 year old woman sit on her father's knee. I have never seen a 19 year old woman walk down the street holding her Daddy' s hand. And you are trying to spin this as normal behaviour ?
I would hope nobody would begrudge a daughter having a relationship with her father. But everyone should be concerned if the relationship presents itself as so inappropriate.
I don't know what your agenda is but you are intent on normalising something that is not normal.

I have just re-read your post
sometimes they are cuddly
sometimes they hold hands
sometimes she on his lap
so my instinct tells me this is more of a you problem than a them problem

Not just my own experience.

I've seen it happen many times in real life.

I've also seen many threads on here on mumsnet, where women have said that they are jealous of their stepdaughter.

Maybe the older women could grow up, and not blame their teenage stepdaughters

I have daughters a couple of years older than this who have a very close relationship with their dad. Ditto me and my dad. I observe my kids' friends with their parents too.

I would be very weirded out if I saw a 19 year old sit on her dad's lap - yeah maybe in a crisis but just to be close - no. Ditto holding hands in public. My own dds would find it weird too.

The texting - well I spoke every day to my daughters when they were in university - sometimes a few times a day. That alone wouldn't bother me. But the whole story OP tells (and I do believe OP is concerned about the relationship being healthy - not jealous or any other of the nonsense posted about stepmothers)

Something is off kilter in their relationship

Speak for yourself. I adore my DSD. No ifs or buts. She's kind, respectful, fun, engaging and attractive. The last thing I feel is jealousy-in just grateful and privileged to have her in my life.

So, my ex husband and I divorced when our daughter was 6, he worked away quite a lot during our marriage and more so when we divorced. I found that my daughter would be incredibly tactile with him when he was home and I always thought it was because she missed him. Anyway, this type of interaction within their relationship never really changed. She's 21 now and she still wants him more than ever... it's very intense. She has a boyfriend who treats her incredibly well but this thing with her dad is very strange and I'm her birth mother!
However, I can remember speaking to a child psychologist through work and explaining her behaviour and she said that she sees it often in her role.
When parents separate the father often leaves the house... this breaks the bond that they have and can leave an attachment trauma.

It kinda made sense to me x before it went off to the oil rigs he was gone a lot x he may have the odd overnight business trip to the city... but nothing that lasted weeks.

I recall when I was 19 I was a waitress in a cafe, a regular group of three used to come in and the girl who I would say was 15-16 ish, and came across as very timid, was regularly sitting on his lap in the booths right next to the mum figure. I felt very uncomfortable about that family and really didn't like the dad.

I've always felt uncomfortable around this type of thing, though, which partly stems from not having a great dad myself.

This is a really good way to put it . I don’t want to hurt either of them but I also owe it to both of them to be honest I guess .

I agree with you. She sounds a lot like one of mine with me and for the same reasons.

I’d say something is up here, in terms of it being emotionally atypical but it may not be anything very black and bleak in the sense of abuse. Of course it could be, it always could be, and you should pursue it if something doesn’t feel right to you.

what also strikes me is you say she is fully part of your blended unit. She can’t be, she will not actually feel that way I would 99% guarantee, as she spent almost all of her formative years in a different family set up either just with her dad, or with her dad and mum when together.

This is so interesting and useful thank you. I’m glad to know that even birth mothers can feel this. Her mother has actually commented before they she feels left out of their relationship (not to me but to DSD) so it’s definitely a thing.