Partner too close to teen daughter?

[VivienneBMama]

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

am slightly worried that if the physical doesn’t stop she might one day be embarrassed about it herself looking back,

Perhaps looking back, you might realise what a momentous impact her father creating a new family with complete strangers had on her when she was an adolescent. Quite possibly one of the most vulnerable ages for such an experience she must have felt totally out of control. Imagine having to share your home and your one and only parent who actually acres for you with total strangers. Is a wedding on the cards? And, asking again, what are your and dd's finances like, are they nice and neatly separated?

OP, you are not family to her. You are a stranger who she had to move in with. Go easy on the I love yous or hers and try to understand that your relationship with her father is probably not really great news for her. When she was 14 she was forced move into a house with perfect strangers and 4 years later those strangers remain with her father while she has had to move on.

Perhaps, it would be best to throw this man back into the sea.

Another red flag you have said OP:.

"just encourage the confidence building for her so maybe she doesn’t have to rely on him so much."

Why is it a problem if she relies on her dad so much? Why is it a problem for her to talk about her problems to the only person who has been stable and present in her life? Is it not better for her to seek advice from her dad than new friends at Uni?

OP. You are jealous of the time and energy your partner spends on his daughter. If DH said the same to you about your son's, what would you think? Would that be okay?

My sister's husband and his daughter used to be like this. He is honestly the loveliest guy and there was nothing untoward. But the boundaries were very blurred; he had guilt for calling time on the marriage to her mother, she was needy of him and a bit jealous of my sister, etc. An odd dynamic but absolutely nothing seedy.
She's 30 now and has completely grown out of it!

i agree, this girl has had a crap life.

No siblings, no mother, no father, both have moved on and op thinks she should try to be more mature.

I think she's probably had a gutful of coming last.

Poor lass now she's being accused of emotional affairs and the likes for wanting some attention and love, on an online platform, are you trying to destroy her, all of you.

Op, tell her to come round to mine, I'll put the kettle on and tell her how she's been raised by a bunch of selfish gits.

I think you’re being unfairly attacked here OP.
You seem to want to balance everyone’s feelings, including your own which is totally fair and understandable.

People need to separate OP’s perceived motives from what is best for the daughter. It sounds to me like she does need to build a little more independence and resilience but there are ways of doing that without shattering her confidence.

Perhaps a heart to heart with her dad, just the two of them? Maybe if they want away or something, just the two of them, spent some quality time together but the dad tries to explain to his (still, in his mind) little girl that he will always be there, she will always come first and he is excited to see what she will be able to achieve in her life when she grows and builds her self esteem a little. She may just need to hear those words from her dad, that he will never abandon her or put anyone else first. And that, trying to encourage some independence, IS putting her needs first.

Many have said it here, 19 is far too old for sitting on her dad’s lap and holding his hand etc. it doesn’t feel like a natural part of their relationship - which is probably why OP is feeling a bit ‘ick’ about it - it doesn’t feel genuine. And it’s probably not, it’s probably the daughter trying to cling on to dad so she doesn’t get abandoned again. I’m not saying she is being deliberately manipulative, but that she is simply insecure and has developed unhealthy coping mechanisms for this.

Thank you. This is really helpful advice.
that’s exactly it, allowing her to have confidence and trust in her own decision making is helping her to grow and be independent with all of our support behind her. She’s going to be 20 in a couple of weeks .

I understand that she has been through so much but it’s down to her Dad now to reassure her and make her comfortable enough to not need him to make every decision in her life. The physical is still odd to me, but I can’t speak to him about that just yet.

I’m ignoring the hate because I know how much we’ve grown as a blended family and how much support she has with us , I don’t need to prove that. But useful advice and even critiscm is welcome , in a constructive way. There’s so much to navigate and I’m trying to check myself.

My daughter has extreme anxiety and consults me on everything to the point it drives me crazy. She’s almost 18. Despite me constantly reassuring her, encouraging her to make decisions without me, pointing out to her her decisions that have gone well etc- she is still constantly checking in with me. It sounds like his daughter is insecure and immature - made worse because she is tall and almost 20 and if looks odd. But I am guessing inside she feels like she is a little girl and wants protection from her dad. As her brain develops she will eventually move on from this phase.

You haven't answered my question about the lap-sitting (and that is fair enough) so without more context, here is my opinion.

While certainly not every daughter would sit on her dad's lap as an adult, I used to do so, briefly, when I would come home, to give him a kiss. Now he is too frail so I sit on the arm of his chair, which is the equivalent.

I do have a bit of an elektra complex probably - I adore my dad and have found his descent into dementia impossibly hard - as I used to want his advice on everything, crave his approval etc.

It's nothing to do with any abandonment issues - he and my mom are still together. It's just my personality I guess?

It hasn't caused me massive disastrous problems in adult life. It HAS made it upsetting to lose him, so yes maybe more separation would have been better in that sense. But I am still largely a functioning adult with a child and a successful career. I have had a few failed relationships, and I guess one could argue that no man lived up to dad in my eyes? But having had therapy which did look at this, I honestly don't think it's the sole or main issue.

I guess what I am saying is, every relationship is different, families are messy, and yes, sometimes a child can idolise one or both parents to a slightly irrational extent for whatever reason (or none). It is what it is. Sometimes siblings have unusually close bonds too, or people slightly cling to their friends - all kinds of things.

As long as it is not actively harming anyone, and they are both happy with it, it's probably best left, even if she does have him on a bit of a pedestal - does it really matter? You aren't her therapist - it's not your job to root it out....

If it starts to interfere with her happiness or her ability to form relationships, say, or she starts causing problems between you and your husband - then I would consider acting on it. Before that point, to be honest if you interfere you may, inadvertently, do more harm than good.

Of course, if she is, say, sitting on his lap for whole evenings while they watch a movie together, or anything that anybody would identify as properly messed up (sorry to use a term like that) then it's different, and you do need to speak to him ASAP.

As others have said, you may find that if he does speak to her about growing her confidence and reassuring her that he will always be there that the physical stuff might drop away?

Good luck with it all OP anyway, it doesn’t sound like an easy situation to navigate through and for what it’s worth you sound like a lovely step mum and person all round

Blimey, you don't give up, do you?

I think that troll may have been banned for posting under two different names in this thread. She was even stupid enough to answer a post to one name as if it was directed at the other name. 😄

So odd how different peoples perceptions are of the same situation. I didn’t get any jealous vibes from op at all. I assume the posters seeing jealousy here don’t have daughters themselves. However lovely they are you as an older woman in a caring role just don’t feel jealous of them that would be very weird.

I half get this. I'm 35 and my dad is my hero. I still chat to him regularly on the phone despite working next door to him, I still sit on his lap occasionally too. I'm a grown ass woman but dad knows everything so he is my first port of call when I need advice. Doesn't matter how old I get, that little girl in me will always need my dad and I assure you there is nothing 'weird' about it. Just a really special bond that no one can replace.

In your situation, only you knows what's right for you. If her behaviour changes when he's not around then maybe you have reason to be dubious. Speak to them both and see what they say. I'd be horrified if someone thought anything untoward between me and my dad. He's been the one constant in my turbulent life, stuck by me through thick and thin and I wouldn't be without him. Maybe she feels the same and you're over reacting?

This is very jealous and weird on your part. I'm 33 and sometimes sit on my dad's lap, we often cuddle, hold hands, link arms when walking etc. All of my adult sisters do too, and we sit on each others laps too. Just an affectionate family and nothing at all weird about it. All got partners too - for the people suggesting once she's got a bf it will "redirect". You can be affectionate with your family and a romantic partner too, you know.

Funnily enough emotional incest was what came into my mind when I was reading this. It does sound a little creepy how physically close they are. I can’t imagine having wanted to sit on my dad’s knee when I was 19. It sounds like their relationship is very intense and while it probably isn’t sexual, the dynamics resemble a romantic relationship in some ways. But I do also agree with the person who said that the extra intensity and intimacy might come from her mother being largely absent and an additional level of neediness coming from that.
The poor girl also seems to be saying to be a lot freer and lighter when he isn’t around. I’ve no idea how or even if you should raise this.
Can you try to build a closer relationship with her? Time for just you and her? Could you encourage her to see friends more when she is with you? They might not even be aware of what’s happened, but helping her find other outlets and sources of emotional support might take some of the intensity away from their relationship. Good luck, sounds very tricky!

She desperately wants someone to prioritise her and to feel like someone's priority. I wouldn't see it as anything more than that.

Whats wrong with them holding hands? I'm not sure what you expect to happen? Kids come first and shes been around him a lot longer than you have, im not surprised she wants some alone time with him

Would you say the same thing about a 19 year old son sitting on his mum's lap?

Honestly OP you sound really jealous of their relationship!

On holiday a while back I met a father with his older teenage daughter and they were very touchy feely. They stood together leaning up against one another, his hands on her hips....as I think romantic partners do. It made me feel a bit queasy tbh. The mother was there too but sidelined. You can be close without adopting the physical positions of boyfriend/girlfriend and being tactile constantly. There comes an age when that seems a bit off to most people.

I'd see it as a kind of co-dependency, feeding one another's egos and it seems a little performative so she's trying to 'stake her claim' but not sure why your DH is so indulgent of it. I think you have a tricky dynamic to deal with there.

And yes I would think it equally odd if the sexes were reversed and it was mother / son.

I can just about guarantee everyone on this thread would think that was weird and inappropriate.
It's only because women are stereotyped as being "daddy's girl" and allowed to act infantile that anyone would consider a 19 year old girl on her dad's lap appropriate.
A boy acting that childish would be considered a weakling and far too attached to his mother.
If it's considered weird and immature for men, it should be for women as well.

That is an excellent summary of the problem.

Does your username reflect a love of classic films, by any chance? I'm always happy to encounter another old movie fan.

I'm in no way a daddy's girl, I'm 43 and I would still sit on my Dad's lap if I could but I'm to fat so sit on the arm of his chair and have a cuddle with him.
My son's are older teens and they and their friends all still cuddle up with both parents.
It's not actually seen as weak anymore with the younger generation and is actually seen as sad if you don't have a close relationship with your parents!

A cuddle is not the same thing as sitting on somebody's lap at all. Of course people hug their parents.
Sorry, but to imply that not wanting to loll about on mommy or daddy's lap means you aren't close to your parents is bonkers.