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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner too close to teen daughter?

343 replies

VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 22:19

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

OP posts:
Josette77 · 15/08/2024 05:57

burninglikefire · 15/08/2024 05:51

@Josette77 - I noticed that nobody has commented on your post yet. This sounds very hard for you. I am so pleased that you had safety in your relationship with your Opa and hope that life has turned out well for you.

Thank you. 💝

I've asked it to be deleted as I am panicking a bit.

I appreciate you responding. xx

EsmeSusanOgg · 15/08/2024 05:59

Neverneverneveragain · 14/08/2024 22:53

Your description of your DSD reminds me of my adult daughter and how she is with me, very affectionate, very intense, very emotional, shares everything and runs every decision by me. We are very close after a lot of family trauma and she is late diagnosed ADHD and anxiety. I would not read anything sinister in your situation.

I was thinking this. I was very like this with my parents, right up through university.

I have ADHD, ASD and anxiety. There's a lot of research that shows the ADHD brain does not mature until my h later than a neurotypical brain. So you remain more childlike for a lot longer.

Having proper relationships and jobs redirected this. But, I still like to have a hug with mum and dad at 40.

burninglikefire · 15/08/2024 06:06

@Josette77 No need to panic. Perhaps look into finding someone to talk to about this in person, eg a trusted friend or seek some counselling. It was brave to refer to the abuse. Take care.

Festivfrenzy · 15/08/2024 06:10

Neverneverneveragain · 14/08/2024 22:53

Your description of your DSD reminds me of my adult daughter and how she is with me, very affectionate, very intense, very emotional, shares everything and runs every decision by me. We are very close after a lot of family trauma and she is late diagnosed ADHD and anxiety. I would not read anything sinister in your situation.

Agree with this and @Aquamarine1029
She sounds vulnerable and immature - going to uni is a scary time, esp for this Covid generation who aren't as independent as they would otherwise have been.
I would tread carefully OP- your DP will rightly be very protective of his DD and could be massively insulted and outraged if you raise it.
Your gut isn't always right about these things - you're not psychic, think of all the absolute rubbish peoples "guts" tell them every day! The lap thing is weird but I think as she matures you'll find you had nothing to worry about.

GrumpyPanda · 15/08/2024 06:12

VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 00:50

Thank you. I hadn’t realised there was such a thing, I will do . The post has descended into chaos which is a shame as there’s some useful stuff too. Its so hard , this is my family and I love them all and want to protect everyone .

Show quote history

OP you sound kind and caring and you've had a lot of thoughtful and insightful responses for AIBU. Yes you should check out the step-parenting board, maybe even ask to have this thread moved there but that would be mostly because it'll be visible there for longer and you'll get responses for longer. Unfortunately ghouls like the two you've had on your case today make a special sport of haunting the step-parenting board as well. Your mistake was posting in rhe middle of the night when moderation is off - I confidently predict half of the nonsense will be gone by morning.

One thing I'm wondering - does the behaviour you're describing go back for the entirety of the time you've known your stepdaughter, or has it ramped up with her transition to uni? If the latter, it's a fragile time for many young people so that may play into it.

AimieDaisy · 15/08/2024 06:14

@Abigail47 is officially the strangest poster I’ve come across on mumsnet in over 18 years. What the heck?!

LeontineFrance · 15/08/2024 06:14

I had a very close relationship with my dad before he died. I can remember having a trauma situation and sitting on his lap when I was 30. It was the only place I felt safe. I soon went back to everyday life and my dad was my rock in a s**t world. If you want to get a measure, don't look to the girl, look to your partner and he how he responds. Sounds like she really needs him and can you imagine your mother being a doctor with a new partner and kid. Poor girl.

Birdingbear · 15/08/2024 06:22

If a girl phoned her mum 5 tikes a day would that be weird? Or said j need mother and daughter time?

No. It's not weird and definitely not weird just because it's the other parent. Girls are daddy girls like I am with my dad. Everything you mentioned I did till I was 22 and even then....I was still super close but moved away for a job.

Mindfulmeltdowns · 15/08/2024 06:34

I agree with PP re arrested development. I used to work with foster kids and it is very common to find that a child's emotional development becomes stalled at the age at which they suffered trauma. You just have to let them kind of move through the stages at their own pace.

Look up the drama triangle.

I would be encouraging DH to support her growing independence by moving out of the rescuer role " I have the solution and I will fix it for you" and into the cheerleader/coach role "I believe you can do this, what are your ideas/solutions?"

mm81736 · 15/08/2024 06:35

A 19 to being physically affectionate with either parent is not weird.You are jealous of sharing your dh affections with another female.
Tale as old as time!

IlooklikeNigella · 15/08/2024 06:37

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 00:44

An incel now! That's a new one. If you're going to use insults use the right term.

Use the term correctly love. Intel means involuntarily celibate.

I'm 40 and I first had sex over twenty years ago.

Bog off.

Idiotic posts on here

Show quote history

So when you were a teenager? Now we are getting somewhere. Let me guess; with some older and inappropriate man who explained how all the other women (his wife who he was living separately from) were jealous of her?

Love you need serious amounts of therapy.

IlooklikeNigella · 15/08/2024 06:41

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 01:14

Wait a minute. Something doesn't add up.

The OP said in one post that the teenage girl's birth mother feels left out.

Then the OP said in a different post that the teenage girl's birth mother pretty much abandoned her

The girls mother said to the girl there were times she felt left out. Presumably she was reflecting and the girl told OP about the conversation.

IlooklikeNigella · 15/08/2024 06:47

@Josette77 I'm so sorry to read your post. As a pp said is there someone (a professional) you could reach out to for support?

countesskay · 15/08/2024 06:53

It's ok to be wary, in my family (won't go into details because it's outing) a man was kind and close to his SD, people thought they were close because he was like a dad to her.

He was SA her since she was 10, he's now serving him in prison. No one knew until she told a trusted adult about 3 years after the first incident

Wordsmithery · 15/08/2024 07:02

Abigail47 · 14/08/2024 22:58

Tale as old as time.

Stepmothers that I have seen are nearly always bitter and resentful of their stepdaughter. For three reasons.

  1. The stepdaughter is younger and prettier.
  2. The stepdaughter is a reminder of the ex wife and probably looks like her.
  3. The stepdaughter is a female , who is getting the man's attention.
Edited

How nasty. OP isn't jealous, she's confused and concerned. She's made huge and genuine efforts to integrate DSD into the wider family. Yes, some stepmothers are horrible (mine was) but by no means all.

Wordsmithery · 15/08/2024 07:10

Josette77 · 15/08/2024 05:57

Thank you. 💝

I've asked it to be deleted as I am panicking a bit.

I appreciate you responding. xx

Show quote history

@Josette77 can you find a safe space or even better a safe person to be with today? What you've shared is huge. Take care.

Fannyfiggs · 15/08/2024 07:10

AimieDaisy · 15/08/2024 06:14

@Abigail47 is officially the strangest poster I’ve come across on mumsnet in over 18 years. What the heck?!

@Abigail47 has been like that over several threads last night. Being deliberately goady and then reporting other posters when they've finally called her out.

Abi love, I don't know why you would want to try and wind strangers up on the internet but it's just more irritating than anything when someone repeats themselves on a thread. It's like a cry for attention. I genuinely hope you're okay ❤️

MoodyMargaret11 · 15/08/2024 07:22

OP, I don't understand why you're threading on eggshells here. You should be comfortable to bring this up with your own DP, not hide behind "my sisters have noticed...". Is the communication in your relationship always like this?
I get this is a somewhat "sensitive" subject, but come on - a 19 yr old sitting on daddy's lap, holding hands in public - to the point of people assuming she is his GF (whilst you are there doing what - trailing behind them?!) and calling 5-6 times a day to give him an account if every minute of her life. It's a miracle she's even gone to uni to be honest.
This is not normal or healthy, very weird in fact. I honestly wouldn't be able just go along with it, it's too intense and he is facilitating it. And how much free time does he have after all these daily extensive conversations with her - does he ever go to a hobby, to meet a friend, or do things with you and the boys?
I'm genuinely shocked that both of them "crave" this kind of dynamic. If she ever gets another boyfriend, I guarantee you that he will be very weirded out by all that. She probably won't though, her daddy is fulfilling that role already (emotionally) and she's happy with that.

StormingNorman · 15/08/2024 07:26

She sounds emotionally very immature. At 19 most children at university are enjoying their independence, but for whatever reason she is behaving like a 5 year old. I don’t think this is healthy for her development as an adult.

Loonaandalf · 15/08/2024 07:30

Can I ask if your DP and DSD are from another culture? I would only normally see this level of affection in Mediterranean cultures.

Tandora · 15/08/2024 07:35

Otterhound · 14/08/2024 23:04

What and whose boundaries are they crossing??
if they are both happy with it (and assuming there is or has been no sexual abuse) its absolutely no one else business apart from theirs.

This!! This is a parent’s relationship with his child. Everyone is different - some people are more physically affectionate than others and that’s ok. These are also just cultural norms. If there’s cause to be concerned about exploitation or abuse then that needs addressing obviously. But OP says this isn’t her concern. So what is the concern?

dottiedodah · 15/08/2024 07:37

I think maybe because of her DM career ,maybe DM wasnt around quite as much ? Then Dad stepped into both roles maybe.I think as she matures it will become less of a problem . I think its sad that everyone is leaping to SA first .How is your RL with your partner ? I think if you feel unhappy then you need to talk with him .He may of course deny it but you need to make clear your reservations .You are free to leave at any time of course

andthat · 15/08/2024 07:40

Josette77 · 15/08/2024 05:57

Thank you. 💝

I've asked it to be deleted as I am panicking a bit.

I appreciate you responding. xx

Show quote history

@Josette77 it’s not unusual to panic when you voice a long held secret for the first time. ❤️
i am so sorry for your experience. I hope you can get some support to talk this through. Remember… this is not your shame to bear and what happened to you is not your fault. Wishing you all the best x

Tandora · 15/08/2024 07:42

memoriesofamiga · 15/08/2024 00:18

What you have here, OP, is a Mini Wife. It's a very real thing.

I have one in my blended family, although she is 15 so a bit younger. I'd suggest doing some research before you speak to your DP, but expect him to get defensive about it.

And Get over to the Step parents board, it's a better place to have this discussion than AIBU. You'll find yourself among those who understand it better there.

What the hell is a “mini wife”. Honestly so messed up and twisted that people project this shit.

Tandora · 15/08/2024 07:47

WhoKnewDahlia · 15/08/2024 03:30

Maybe there are other things at play.

Op clearly feels uncomfortable with their closeness, analysing ones feelings is difficult if you feel there could be negative feelings involved such as jealousy and insecurity.
Op has been with her father for five years now and within that five years the SD has become a woman, maybe op's relationship is also entering a different stage, one of feeling a little more neglected by her partner and that could trigger feelings of jealousy with a daughter who has unconditional love from her father.

Also the financial aspect does come into play, it cannot be ignored.

Mix in with that the dynamics of a blended family, there will always be a feeling of sides, you and the boys against him and his daughter, it's unavoidable.

What is your relationship like, is he still attentitive of you, or could there be a possiblity of triangulating going on, your partner playing both of you off. Maybe hearing more opposing views is going to help op rather than being on a step parenting board that is like an echo chamber of support.

It must be so difficult with step families on both sides, the children, the adults to be truly fair, I've never been on the step parenting board but is there a step children board which equals out these questions ?
I suppose your daughter is clinging to the safety of her father, completely understandable in the circumstances and I think if it wasn't for your judgement about her effervesence with her father most people on here would feel truly sorry for her.

Show quote history

Excellent post