Partner too close to teen daughter?

[VivienneBMama]

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

@Josette77 I’m so sorry for what you have been through ♥️

Call a taxi.

Thank you for the constructive advice. I definitely will move to there. I had no idea it could be so harmful here, I don’t mind criticism o almost came here for it and some perspective but in a useful way and not just plain mean.
Irs always been like this between them, it’s got more noticeable as she’s for older and I guess I feel now she often seems stronger / happier/ more settled when he’s not around .

But there is attention and there is this. I think being at uni and ringing a parent 6 times a day and the close physical contact go well beyond 'normal'.

From what you have said I think she is jealous of you.
Dad is her only ‘consistent’ and he is in a new relationship and is living alongside a new partner and her sons. She now has competition. She is away at uni so feels very isolated from everyone.
When she returns she has to make her claim on him, she’s possessive of her dad both physically and emotionally. When Dad isn’t there that’s when she can relax as she’s not having to compete with anybody.

I would believe all of the above- however what I fail to understand is the reason they were like this together before you were on the scene. (As mum told you.)
In which case I believe it to be emotional incest.
Emotional incest is more common than you would think and is as equally common with mothers and sons.

You have we to make a decision.
Either you could accept as emotional incest and hope the dinamics change as she gets older or you could end the relationship and be honest with him about how you feel. I’m certain you won’t be the first person who has mentioned concerns to him about the behaviour.

Have you had therapy for your own issues?

Anyone watched/read A View from the Bridge?
Just saying. It gives the vibes.

To be honest it’s not really how many times she calls him - she also calls me a lot and ids lovely but it’s because she kind of can’t do anything without asking him - which is quite intense - and also I don’t feel is so healthy for her as like I’ve said somewhere else, she’s very capable of he’s away or can’t answer for any reason . This is only one element of it really but gives bigger picture.

I’m 45 and sometimes my dad cuddles me on the sofa when I’m having a panic attack. Admittedly I’m not sitting on his lap! But I find physical contact very calming when I’m panicking. I also call him and tell him everything and we go out for a meal sometimes. So I can’t say the OP’s partner has a weird relationship with his DD. Maybe she needs additional support with her mental health.

There are many women misogynists. Is this news to you? The way you are speaking to the OP suggests you might be one.

Thanks for the insight. I’m also really close to my Dad but not physically so this is a new dynamic for me . I’m open to hearing about others perspective so thank you.

In your case, it’s a genuine recommendation. You are fixated on your own experiences and projecting wildly. The OP is coming across as reflective and insightful. Willing to accept she may have issues but clearly loves her stepdaughter and she wants a better family dynamic for all of them.

Your own anger and resentment from your own childhood have blinded you as to what is being written.

I feel you need to work with someone professionally to unpick your anger and extreme reactions to the OP.

You are not reading what is written. What a dramatic interpretation. I am embarrassed for you.

I got as far as she sits on his lap (she's 19) and I cringed.

I accept that families have different levels of physical closeness but I stopped sitting on my Dad's lap when I was about 9.

My Dad and I used to holiday on our own sometimes when I was younger (Mum was tied up with much younger sisters) but this stopped when I was close to puberty (for obvious reasons.)

I have a DD (older than 19) and although she's close to her dad and takes a lot of advice from him re. her career and work , they've never had the amount of contact (daily phone calls etc.)

I'm sorry but it does sound a bit incestuous and over stepping the usual 'affection' of dads and their daughters.

I sat and 'snuggled' up to me dad on the couch last month watching television. I'm in my mid 40's. We have always been a 'touchy' family, and I can't say it's ever been a problem. She is 19, and sounds like a very young 19 with limited independence. She moved in with her dad because mum was too busy, and now has a new family. If this was an emotionally immature 19 yr old with her mum would it bother you as much?

Thank you. I’m leaning towards leaving it to see if tails off as she gets older. I am worried If their relationships changes because of me that could be harmful but I'm also worried for her as it does seem to be on the unhealthy side of close. Which is a thing the more I read up about it - for mothers and children too like you say emotional incest.

I have this type of relationship with my DS 11. He is extremely cuddly and a real "mama's boy". BUT I have told him that when he hits puberty (12/13?) these cuddles with him nestled in on me have to stop or it will be indecent. We will still hug ofcourse but not with the same physical proximity because it could be damaging to his development and it would feel strange. He is quite small for his age which does make it feel less awkward for times being. And also he loves going to friends houses on sleepovers so is not attached to me in an unhealthy way.

The point Im trying to make is that it is the parent who is responsible of defining the relationship and create healthy boundaries, not the child. Like my DS who is cuddly at home would never be cuddly outside because he would be too embarrassed. And when he hits puberty I will just tell him that I love him very much but our cuddles need to be appropriate. Your DH is confusing his DD by behaving this way. Deginitely tell him to put boundaries in place for her sake.

I have a friend who sits on the lap of her mother, father and brother! They are just a v close family. She’s married with kids. It’s really not that weird- these are also just cultural norms. What’s weird is the projection happening here.

OP as far as I understand it, with emotional incest there also has to be a sexual element. Do you think there is. sexual element to the relationship between your DH and DSD?

I don't think you're at all puzzled. He's giving you the ick, and understandably so! I also think you're being way too mindful of his feelings (and his daughter's, to a lesser extent).
You're tying yourself in knots over this, instead of just telling him straight. This is his problem, not yours, so hand it over to him. Tell him he's infantilising his daughter, and it needs to stop.
The issue that he should've known all this without having to be told will remain though - don't settle for him if you remain uneasy in your relationship.

'Mother, father, brother'.

Fine. You can see though that when it's JUST her father - Very different.

And my comments are not a 'projection' if by that you mean my own skewed emotions or experiences.

I don't think it has any connection with culture.

I can see that the daughter here might be 'staking her claim' on her father and trying to maintain the parental bond, now they are living with the OP.

BUT as a PP says, it's down to the parent (him) to draw boundaries.

The daily calls, the emotional reliance, etc as well as the physical contact are right at the end of the spectrum of a healthy independence.

In a healthy parental relationship, parents ought to recognise that there is a line that shouldn't be crossed in terms of emotional and physical closeness.

Usually at puberty, a dad naturally back off a bit from physical contact with their daughters, and sons (emotionally) detach from their mums and try to emulate their Dad's behaviour and be 'a man'. (This is in all research/ academic writing on child development.)

So, although families can be physically affectionate, there's no getting away from the fact that incest (emotional or physical) does exist and OP is allowed to feel something's not quite right.

It sounds like she is nearly emotionally stunted which can happen kids that have had some trauma like the break up of a family she is nearly emotional stuck at that age. But her father needs to cop on and tell her some things are not appropriate he is the problem for letting it go on

I have a step daughter of 18. She is very close to her Dad and has on occasion perched on his lap. But it's rare (less than once a year). She's been my step daughter for a decade and I have 2 DDs of 18&19. She is slightly less appropriate with her DB and and DSB.

I think the only thing that would stop her is her BF. And she has one of them too.

It's definitely about attention.

I'm very fond of her. And I'd fight for her in any situation.

Her DM is absolutely without boundaries of any type, pretty much amoral. (DSC have just discovered she's emptied 9k each out of their savings -1k left).

My adult daughter had a friend like this whilst growing up. She would sit on her Dad’s lap, drape all over him, they would even take afternoon naps on the same bed. All very odd. The mum didn’t seem concerned by their closeness and would say things like “she’s a daddy’s girl.” That daughter is now 25 and ended up moving to Australia and is now engaged.

I used to hold my DFs hand walking along sometimes, or if we were sitting next to each other on the sofa. We sometimes got the "he's old enough to be her father" look when out but we found it hysterical! My DS sometimes still sits on my lap on the sofa at nearly 28 - more as a joke - but he's so much taller than me it kills my knees!

Maybe if you DHs ex has moved on with her life your DSD feels more emotionally safe and loved by her DF than her DM. Trying to hark back to earlier years when she felt safer and life was calmer. Have you asked your DF about how he thinks he might help her to become more emotionally resilient (and less reliant on him) now she's older? Does she have a BF?