Partner too close to teen daughter?

[VivienneBMama]

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

I don’t know what to advise except to say listen to your gut. It’s telling you something is off. 😕

You can't do anything aside from accepting it or ending your relationship. I doubt you would take it well if he tried to police your relationship with your sons. I would guess that her mother being rather distant in her life has intensified her relationship with her dad. He is basically her everything, and that can be really hard for a child, especially during the teen years.

Fingers crossed she gets a boyfriend and re
directs this to him…

I must say OP that the thought of a 19 year old young woman sitting on her father's lap made me feel very uncomfortable. It doesn't sound right at all.
You say you haven't talked to your DP about your concerns. Well I really think you should try and talk to him about how inappropriate some of their relationship appears.

How sure are you about sexual abuse? She sounds very oppressed and clingy with him. Particularly where you've said she is more confident and independent when he's not around (relief? Freedom?) It's giving me ick vibes really honestly. Has she ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend?

I would say 100% not but I think it’s emotional incest - literally just found out about this . Can have the same emotional damage but in no way sexual . I’ve just been reading about it as I posted - I think they’re in this category but very very hard to know how to approach it. She has had a boyfriend but she ended it for university. She’s very clingy to her Dad but I’m not sure she would let on to her partner so I guess even she thinks it’s maybe a bit blurry. How can DP not see it!? None of this is her fault - she’s the child / now young adult!

I don't think op being uncomfortable about a grown up daughter sitting on her dads lap is her trying to 'police' his parenting. Come on, even you can see this surely. 🙄

This is what my best friend said .

I too think you need to have a conversation with your DP about this. Could you maybe say that your sisters have mentioned the constant cuddling and wanting to sit on his lap seems rather inappropriate at her age, and see what his reaction is? If he seems to get mad about it quite quickly, or just brushes it off, then see how you feel about his response. If he gets too mad and defensive, then I would definitely think that something isn't right, and would give serious thought to ending the relationship. However, if on the other hand, he says something like 'you know, I've never really thought about it, but yeh, I guess it might seem odd to other people but we've always been a cuddly pair, since she was tiny' or something like that, then it might just be that it's a way she's continued from when she was younger, and with Mum & Dad not being together, there was no other adult in the household in a position to say 'hey sweetheart, you're too old to be sitting on Dad's lap now', or whatever. It really is a difficult situation to give advice on, but you definitely need to broach it with your DP, and see how you feel once you know his reaction.

Quick Q OP @VivienneBMama Is the father rich/ wealthy or well off?

I probably haven't sat in my Dad's lap since I was 5 or even younger. As a 19 year old we would have both been disgusted at that. I'm sorry but it's weird.

Agree it is difficult.

Agree you have a bit of jealous thing going on, which on balance is being triggered by the inappropriateness of their closeness.

always go with your gut.
you cant change other people,your boys and you are your priority

This daughter is clearly, very, very immature from what the op has told us about her, so she is definitely not "grown" mentally, and regardless of what the op thinks, this isn't her relationship to manage. If she is uncomfortable with their dynamic, she needs to end her relationship with him.

Your description of your DSD reminds me of my adult daughter and how she is with me, very affectionate, very intense, very emotional, shares everything and runs every decision by me. We are very close after a lot of family trauma and she is late diagnosed ADHD and anxiety. I would not read anything sinister in your situation.

I was being generous to say up to 11/12 or even at a push 13 yo. Beyond that, not right.

their relationship is wrong as it is now. However, it may have started when she felt abandoned by dr mum always away and he was overcompensating with his attention and there was NEVER another adult to put an end to this sooner. Def As a mum, and around witnessing this, I would be interrupting it from. 11/12 yo so none was there to do that and dad maybe felt guilty enough not to push daughter away.

or, he was inappropriate with her when she was young, but where I have heard of this, I would expect it to be continuing which you don’t think it is.

i would be very careful when speaking to him. I would get therapy to help me how to speak with him. I do t think he will react to it well at all.

is your 15 yo son around when this happens? Is she also that close to the 15 yo? Sone women like male attention, from all men they know of.

Grown adults don't sit on their parents laps, an exception may be made to pose for a photo.

Trust your gut and have a conversation with your partner. I'm pretty sure neither he nor his daughter would be comfortable with her sitting on his lap in a restaurant or a public park when out with the rest of the family or friends, which would be perfectly acceptable for a child to do.

This reminds me of my stepmother.

She was really jealous of my relationship with my dad.

The stepmother is often jealous of the stepdaughter., as it is another (younger) female getting the man's attention

Personally I’d want to hear the daughters and her DP’s version of events.
One persons needy and clingy as another's distant and aloof and all that.

Well tbh if people thought this young woman was her partner's girlfriend I would think the jealousy emotion is more about people thinking he would have a young woman as a partner rather than someone of OP's age. I don't see the jealousy being particularly of the young woman herself because OP speaks very fondly of her.
I think the weirdness of the relationship between partner and daughter far out weighs any feelings of jealousy she might feel over people assuming her partner has a young girlfriend.

That’s weird behaviour & definitely crossing boundaries. You’ve been patient to put up with it up til now.

I’d try to address it with your DP, but if things don’t change I’d be moving on from the relationship.

Just have an open honest chat with him about it. If you can't initiate that then you've got even bigger issues in your relationship.

You could just start off by saying something like how's DSD? As I've noticed she's called you for 5th time today. Were you like that with your mum at that age?

Tale as old as time.

Stepmothers that I have seen are nearly always bitter and resentful of their stepdaughter. For three reasons.

1. The stepdaughter is younger and prettier.
2. The stepdaughter is a reminder of the ex wife and probably looks like her.
3. The stepdaughter is a female , who is getting the man's attention.

You’ve already posted once. You didn’t need to say the same thing again.

I didn't say the same thing.

I added points