Partner too close to teen daughter?

[VivienneBMama]

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

OP, I see where you're coming from but I agree with others that it's complex. She was 15 when the pandemic hit and so any perhaps newly-found independence would have been suddenly curtailed. Add to that her parents' separation, her mother being too busy for her and then having another child, and her dad moving in with a new family unit. Your DSD must be feeling very displaced. It's great that she's part of your family, and you genuinely do sound like a welcoming and loving person. But sometimes knowing something with your head isn't the same as knowing it with your heart. Sounds like your DP has been the (only?) constant in her life so it's understandable that she clings to him. The dramatic over-announcing that she needs times with him could well be her feeling jealousy over the family unit he has with you and your sons now that she's away at university and not home all the time.

Time is probably what is needed here. Chances are she will find other things in her life and that will take the focus of her dad and her place in the wider family. Wishing you all the best.

This is such a good, practical post - to ask oneself - would I feel comfortable doing it in public? My gran used to tell me, when I was asking appropriate or not - she would say, will HM the Queen do that? It concerned things like photographs in a swimming costume for an Instagram post, for example. She used to say - ask yourself, will HM let her picture to be run in the papers, of her in the swimming costume? She may have lots of pictures like that in a family album, but for public use? Will HM write a letter like that? (I was asking gran if I should write to a boy I liked'. Etc. etc. It saved me from so much embarrassment, I can't tell you. So, yes, I think you should ask your partner and his daughter - would you do it in public? No? So why are you doing it in private?

Speaking from the point of view of English Litt, it is like a running joke about a pervy uncle - do come and sit in my lap - in the works of Nancy Mitford, Mary Wesley, it is a running theme and whilst the authors used it as a joke, even they realised it was perverted and called these uncles lecherous lecturers.

If she was cuddly with her mum and sent 5/6 messages a day you would think nothing of it, just that this kid is quite insecure, a bit immature, wants to feel her parent is supporting her. And she doesn’t have a great relationship with her mum so she is transferring all that neediness to her dad. I get that you don’t like the lack of boundaries and you feel that physically men and girls should not be cuddly even if they are father and daughter. That is your right to have uncomfortable feelings, you want to be your partner’s primary relationship now the kids are older and physicality is an expression of who matters to him. But bandying around words like “emotional incest” could really damage your relationship with your partner. If it was me I would be more inclined to say that you have noticed she is more clingy than most 19 year olds, and better at making decisions alone when he gives her more space. And that you feel that as a family you should be working to build her confidence, support her hobbies and be supportive of new friendships. If you both build her confidence this will change the situation in a positive way. If you make them both ashamed and that there is a cloud of suspicion over their relationship, I suspect something else will change and you might not like it.

One other suggestion, google “enmeshed family”. You might find that less sinister as a framework instead of “emotional incest.”

Yes I agree. I definitely do not want either of them to feel ashamed at all. Especially her as tbh it’s his lack of boundaries and he’s the parent . The more I read and the more I think on it I really don’t want to say anything other than to maybe suggest he encourages her more to be less dependent on him for her decision making as she gets older.

Same here.

Mine cries all the time. Sits on the sofa and leans against her dad. She needs a lot of emotional support.

This is so helpful thank you. I think you are right, she is insecure and probably jealous too and I totally get it. I can see why.
I am slightly worried that if the physical doesn’t stop she might one day be embarrassed about it herself looking back, I don’t know maybe she won’t but if others are noticing it, I have to not overthink it and let their relationship be what it is , just encourage the confidence building for her so maybe she doesn’t have to rely on him so much.

Does she sit on dad’s laps in front of your 2 sons? @VivienneBMama

So sorry to read this. I hope you have had some support since.

The physical contact sounds perfectly innocent to me, as does wanting to spend some time alone with her father. Sounds like you are projecting big time. She just sounds insecure and childlike to me.

Sorry to join the discussion late, and sorry if I have missed this, but I have a question - the sitting on his lap - does it just happen briefly, like when she kisses him goodnight/goodbye or whatever, or is she sitting there sort of for a while, to watch a film or whatever?

I do think it makes a big difference actually & the former is somewhat intense but not actually that unusual, whereas the latter is (in my view) really quite weird, and will stand out as weird to many people.

As this detail is the one that has been most discussed, are you able to give more context? If you feel happy to.

I was thinking the same thing 😵‍💫

This is really weird

I agree. I have a male friend with a 15 year old daughter and she frequently sits on his lap in public. It makes me feel really uncomfortable.

1 and 3 should not apply at all - only in a sexual contest can there be comparison between who is prettier and only in a sexual contest should there be 'attention from a man to a woman'. He is not a man, he is her father. The only valid point is no.2, but even then, it is inappropriate.

What is weird? Cuddling DS or putting in boundaries according to his development?
Personally I think it's "weird" to just make a comment saying something is weird without explanation.

Thank you so much everyone you wrote nice messages to me. 💝

I was just diagnosed with Disassociation Disorder due to the abuse and I'm actually getting some support. 💖

My beautiful son has complex special needs due to early childhood trauma (he's also adopted) so I've spent 13 years immersed in the trauma world completely ignoring my own. Now I have to face it. It really really sucks. Lol

almost the whole post. I think it’s really weird that you say there is a difference in how you cuddle a child before and after puberty . and it’s equally weird that you have already discussed with you child that when he is “in puberty” you will do “normal hugs”.

This is incredible. Well done you 💗💗💗💗💗

This is interesting to me.
My son is 13 and we are very affectionate. I love that he still grabs my hands sometimes when we are out.
We snuggle up and watch movies still. I don't think it's weird?

Ofcourse it isn't weird! What I'm saying is some cuddles, like my son likes to regress into babymood sometimes lying on top of me like when he was younger. He is 11 but quite tiny so I let him. I won't when he is 13 though. Then he can lie/sit next to me for hugs and cuddles. I mean some things do not feel appropriate when a child has hit puberty. I don't worry about it though. He's going into secondary and is quite anxious so needs to be reassured. I think he will need less cuddles when he's made his marks. Might be that he doesn't even want to hug his old mum anymore😭😅

I had a super close relationship with my dad growing up. I would sort of slouch on his lap and I was treated like his little princess til I had kids of my own. I love my dad and he is super affectionate and complimentary. Many dads aren't but mine is and it's the best. My relationship with my dad sounds like this but we have a very normal and healthy relationship. We are just affectionate people.

Yes. More detail is needed.

Just re read your post OP and one thing stuck out:

"maybe I'm just a bit jealous." - if you think you are a bit jealous them you likely are jealous.

I agree with this