Told to fuck off at bed time as partner watching TV

[MM1972]

My partner has 2 weeks off work. I am still working.

I was exhausted earlier having nodded off on the sofa. I brushed my teeth and went to the bedroom ready to collapse into bed.

My partner was watching TV with our daughter. I was told they were going to continue watching it.

Ir has been an ongoing theme when I've been wanting to go to bed and my partner gets cross at me for wanting the TV in the bedroom to be switched off. Usually there is an argument and eventually the TV is switched off. I strongly dislike pre-bed arguments. The unnecessary adrenaline keeps me awake.

Tonight it was clear there wasn't going to be an argument. I was told point blank the TV was staying on. I could not even get into bed as our daughter was on my side.

I got dressed and went to a house I own 40 miles away which is also closer to my work.

I feel like the TV in the bedroom is a becoming deal breaker for me. Am I being unreasonable to expect the TV to be switched off without argument when I want to go to sleep?

The other options for me are sleeping on a reclining chair in the living room or staying in my own house all the time. Alternatively the TV could be removed from the bedroom (my preferred option).

I know a large part of the reasoning for my partners divorce was their TV habits. Specifically that they did nothing except watch TV. I have some hobbies which I enjoy doing myself, so my partner watching TV doesn't bother me so much except when it interferes with my sleep.

I think you need different bedrooms tbh. You want to fall asleep with out the TV which is valid. Sounds like she is a fall asleep to a film person which is also valid. You are incompatible to be sharing a sleeping space.

But tbh I was team you until i read the whole thread and now I am team your girlfriend as it all sounds very weird and it comes across like you come and go as you please but insist her routine adapts to you when you are there.
Also all this serious accusations stuff is pretty weird.

And I think it was pretty manipulative of you to make this post gender neutral. The post does come across like you are trying to manipulate the replies.

I reckon this whole thread is a DARVO as that's how it comes across.

I've made my post gender neutral to prevent any misogyny, or is it misandry?

It shouldn't matter if I'm male, trans, female or gay or straight. I am a person.

My question remains whether I'm being unreasonable to expect the TV to be switched off when I want to go to bed? Was I unreasonable to expect my daughter to allow me to get into bed? Or was my partner correct in calling me selfish for wanting my daughter and her to watch the end of the film in the living room?

You'd be surprised what goes on behind closed doors. I'm airing a few petty grievances here to see what people think.

A few weeks ago someone I knew was arrested as his father had died some weeks previously and he put the body in the fridge. He hadn't told anyone and has been charged with preventing a lawful burial. He had been living in his parents garden. His mother was already in a home leaving his dad alone in a very large house.

Jeremy Kyle exploited vulnerable people for our entertainment. I know even from my own relatives a lot worse is going on.

You also don't use a dishwasher so excuse me if I think your thinking might be flawed here!

The gender neutrality didn't bother me. You were unreasonable, in my opinion, from the get go. There were so many different ways this would have played out in most other households. However, you did provide quite a bit of extra information in subsequent updates, including that this was a bone of contention anyway, which explains somewhat why you went in guns already blazing, demanding something.

The problem isn't that you have a TV in your bedroom, it's that your partner is a total cunt. I would take the time they are on holiday to move to your other house and stay there 🤷🏼‍♀️

Forget whether you were being unreasonable you were and focus on how to solve this ongoing issue in a way that works for both of you.

I would move out. Not being allowed to sleep at night time is awful.

I use the dishwasher in my own house. To be honest the chemicals have damaged glassware, wooden spoons and rusted cutlery. I could live without it. I end up putting days of dishes into it until it's full and then switch it on. Often there isn't a spoon to make a cup of tea and the machine can take 2 hours to do a wash (or so it seams).

Buy some more spoons maybe😀

Wooden spoons don't go in dishwasher

Yanbu about the tv watching

Just separate and move out fgs. That's no way to live.

Right, without being an ass, I'd have kicked my daughter out of my bed and told her to stop being so selfish.

Then, I'd have taken the remote off my husband and said if YOU want to watch TV, YOU can fuck off to the living room.

There's no way I'd have driven 40 miles away to sleep in a quiet bedroom.

You're going to have to start laying down the law unless you want this asshole to keep ruling you!

This, really. There's obviously a lot going on and this is one of many scenarios. This situation hasn't just 'happened', and there's obviously bad feeling from both camps.

On the surface your partner appears to be very unreasonable in which case, the relationship is doomed, because no one can live like that, with this level of incompatibility. From your op, your partner is unreasonable so separate and work on successfully co parenting. This is no life

All my spoons go in the dishwasher wooden or not. I'm a heathen I know!

Well whether the relationship is healthy or not, this could be solved by sleeping separately, as you clearly have different bedtime needs from each other.

My question remains whether I'm being unreasonable to expect the TV to be switched off when I want to go to bed?

Yes, if she has had to go in the bedroom because you and your son are watching something in the living room and they are halfway through watching a film then it is unreasonable IMO to expect them to stop and go to sleep just because you've now decided it is bedtime.

But in a functional loving relationship you wouldn't be having this issue, you wouldn't be dictating how and when she goes to sleep and she would be happy to turn of the telly or move rooms for you, both of which are basic consideration for each other, but instead you seem to resent her and she definitely seems to resent you, you both have different sleeping habits, and neither of you want to budge for the other.

Honestly, the TV is not the issue here, and you desperately trying to prove you're right above all else is quite telling, it's not about who is 'right' and who is 'wrong', because as soon as you stop wanting to be nice and considerate and even spend time with each other then it is game over.

Have you ever had couples therapy?

They were in the bedroom watching TV when I got home from work. They remained in the bedroom watching TV whilst I was making dinner. They were in the bedroom watching TV whilst I was out doing a late delivery. They were in the bedroom watching TV when I got home. The TV in the living room was not on any of these times.

Some people are inventing their own narrative out of thin air. They were not forced into the bedroom because anyone was using the TV in the living room. I'm correcting them with facts. I'm not desperate to prove I'm right.

Whether I'm right or wrong, I don't think I can continue when I have to argue about TV every night at bed time.

I used to have a radio alarm clock and would listen to a talk radio station for half an hour whilst in bed. I did this for over 10 years. I'm not 'allowed' to do that by my partner. I have never been. So being told the TV is staying on and additionally being told I can't get into bed was too much for me to take.

@MM1972 Are these sons and ten year old daughter biologically shared children between you and your partner? How old is the son that was watching TV with you at 11pm?

If the 10 year old is the youngest and only shared child, why on earth would you still have a separate house that you don't rent out after all this time? If there is only a young shared child, a toddler, that might make more sense, but you shouldn't be staying together regardless and work out how to split care.

The more you update the worse this sounds, deeply unhealthy for the children involved.

So, once again, if this relationship is so crap, why are you staying?

Do you have a separate house so your partner can claim benefits!

OK, so here is how I would have expected it to go down: you have a discussion during your evening meal (I know, revolutionary, right?): "honey, I'm thinking of watching X movie with little Steve tonight. I'm absolutely shattered and will probably fall asleep during it. Would you mind swapping rooms and you continue your movie marathon in the living room and I'll put X on in the bedroom for us? At least, it won't matter if I don't make it past the opening credits"
"Yes, sure. We are just about to start the lord of the rings trilogy, the extended version. It'll probably be 3am before we go to bed. I'll try not to wake you when I come up".
"Great, thanks. Love you".
"Love you, too"

I have a separate house because I used to have my other children there. Because it's what I salvaged from a previous marriage. I'm
clinging on to it because I wouldn't get another mortgage,

I would prefer the bedroom to be a restful sanctuary for sleeping. At the minute going to bed is an argument waiting to happen. I believe there should be a rule that the TV goes off when someone needs to go to bed. End of. Zero discussion. No need for negotiation. There is a TV in the living room.