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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to fuck off at bed time as partner watching TV

236 replies

MM1972 · 14/08/2024 02:39

My partner has 2 weeks off work. I am still working.

I was exhausted earlier having nodded off on the sofa. I brushed my teeth and went to the bedroom ready to collapse into bed.

My partner was watching TV with our daughter. I was told they were going to continue watching it.

Ir has been an ongoing theme when I've been wanting to go to bed and my partner gets cross at me for wanting the TV in the bedroom to be switched off. Usually there is an argument and eventually the TV is switched off. I strongly dislike pre-bed arguments. The unnecessary adrenaline keeps me awake.

Tonight it was clear there wasn't going to be an argument. I was told point blank the TV was staying on. I could not even get into bed as our daughter was on my side.

I got dressed and went to a house I own 40 miles away which is also closer to my work.

I feel like the TV in the bedroom is a becoming deal breaker for me. Am I being unreasonable to expect the TV to be switched off without argument when I want to go to sleep?

The other options for me are sleeping on a reclining chair in the living room or staying in my own house all the time. Alternatively the TV could be removed from the bedroom (my preferred option).

I know a large part of the reasoning for my partners divorce was their TV habits. Specifically that they did nothing except watch TV. I have some hobbies which I enjoy doing myself, so my partner watching TV doesn't bother me so much except when it interferes with my sleep.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 14/08/2024 09:49

If this isn't a one off then he's going to ruin you DCs sleeping habits, school holidays or not 12.30 is way too late. He has no respect for you Op, you should be able to sleep in your own bed and way earlier than midnight. I'd think about staying in your own place and calling time on the whole thing

ADVICENEEDED987 · 14/08/2024 09:49

YANBU

I hate TVs in bedrooms. My ex used to be the same, he would have the TV on in the bedroom till past midnight knowing I was trying to sleep and had to be up early for work in the morning. It caused so many arguments as he refused to sit and watch TV downstairs when I went to bed. When the TV in the bedroom broke I refused to replace it.

It's just rude, controlling and disrespectful of your partner to not switch the TV off and let you go to bed. It's not a good example for your daughter either. Is your partner like this in other aspects of your lives?

ThrillhouseVanHouten · 14/08/2024 09:50

Ivehearditbothways · 14/08/2024 09:42

My kids have seen Unbreakable and Glass when one was 12 and the other was 10. It’s fine if the child is mature enough and enjoys that type of thing.
My kids have seen plenty of films for older ages and I always get comments on how mature they are, how mature their vocabulary is, how intricate and interesting their creative writing is with twists and turns you wouldn’t expect to see until high school.

So… it’s a movie, it’s the parents choice and it’s fine for a 10 year old. My children certainly haven’t been harmed from watching light horror or heavier dramas.

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This is a bizarre humble brag, even for Mumsnet.

Ivehearditbothways · 14/08/2024 09:51

HeadacheEarthquake · 14/08/2024 09:44

Yes

Your kid should go to bed when they are told to

If the partner is telling them to stay in OPs bed preventing them from sleeping there, the partner is the bad parent, not the OP

The daughter is being shown it's fine to treat OP with contempt.

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Right… but you’re giving punishment to the child after being put in the middle, given different instructions by each parent and after being raised by one very selfish parent showing them selfish behaviours to copy.

You can’t see anything wrong in punishing the the child in this situation?

I think that puts you into the terrible and abuse parent category. Punishing a child after putting that child in the middle of the parents games.

HeadacheEarthquake · 14/08/2024 09:52

ThrillhouseVanHouten · 14/08/2024 09:50

This is a bizarre humble brag, even for Mumsnet.

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It really is! 🤣 good grief

Snowfalling · 14/08/2024 09:52

notanothernana · 14/08/2024 09:31

This is so incredibly selfish, uncaring and abusive. It's common sense to me that in a shared bedroom the sleep needs of both parties comes first. This is true of partners or kids. It's dark and quiet at the point one wants to go to bed and stays that way until everyone is up. I get up earlier than my dh so I put my clothes in the bathroom so I don't wake him.

This is one reason I never have TV in a bedroom.

And what message is your daughter getting?

All of this.

Your daughter is watching you being abused. What attracted you to this man and what keeps you in this relationship? It needs to end. I cannot believe how awful and selfish he is. Disgusting

Ivehearditbothways · 14/08/2024 09:53

ThrillhouseVanHouten · 14/08/2024 09:50

This is a bizarre humble brag, even for Mumsnet.

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It’s bizarre to start going on about a movie being inappropriate when it isn’t. Glass is not inappropriate for a 10 year old, it has nothing to do with this thread but pearl clutchers still turn up to go on about how they’d only ever let their child watch a Disney movie and fast forward over any deaths 🙄

HeadacheEarthquake · 14/08/2024 09:54

Ivehearditbothways · 14/08/2024 09:51

Right… but you’re giving punishment to the child after being put in the middle, given different instructions by each parent and after being raised by one very selfish parent showing them selfish behaviours to copy.

You can’t see anything wrong in punishing the the child in this situation?

I think that puts you into the terrible and abuse parent category. Punishing a child after putting that child in the middle of the parents games.

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Lmao

It's gone from consequences to punishment to abuse

Get a grip will you 🤣

I think you've been reading too many of your pullitzer prize winning children's stories

Flipzandchipz · 14/08/2024 09:54

I would get rid of him OP, he is verbally abusive and doesn’t respect you. He is completely out of order. And it is your daughter? His behaviour towards you could impact your daughter’s behaviour towards you. He is showing her that it is acceptable to be disrespectful to you and that isn’t fair. For both you and your daughters sake and future happiness I would dump him!

AgileGreenSeal · 14/08/2024 09:54

Deliberately depriving another person of sleep is ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR.

Snowfalling · 14/08/2024 09:55

ThrillhouseVanHouten · 14/08/2024 09:50

This is a bizarre humble brag, even for Mumsnet.

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Bloody hell, You're it right. It's got to be up there as one of the biggest I've seen on here.

Miffylou · 14/08/2024 09:55

Get rid of the TV in the bedroom. Why are they choosing to watch that one? Maybe get more comfortable chairs in the room where the other TV is.

MissMoneyFairy · 14/08/2024 09:55

A 10 yo should be in bed, not watching a 16+ movie so late
Buy another TV for the lounge
Lay down some ground rules
He is rude, disrespectful and teaching your daughter he's the boss
I'd do what he asks, fuck off and don't go back

Ivehearditbothways · 14/08/2024 09:58

HeadacheEarthquake · 14/08/2024 09:54

Lmao

It's gone from consequences to punishment to abuse

Get a grip will you 🤣

I think you've been reading too many of your pullitzer prize winning children's stories

Show quote history

Putting a child in the middle of your games and then punishing that child for doing what the other parent told them to do is abuse.

If you can’t see that then you need parenting classes. It is abusive to punish a child for doing what their other parent told them to do. It is abusive to put a child in the middle of your relationship problems and then punish them for how they deal with it.

If you would punish the daughter in this situation then there is something very very wrong with your parenting. I hope you don’t actually have kids.

HeadacheEarthquake · 14/08/2024 09:59

Calm down mate

Bectoria2006 · 14/08/2024 10:00

YANBU but I don’t understand why if he is your DP and you refer to your 10 year old and ‘our’ daughter you still have a place of your own you can go sleep at.

This doesn’t sound at all like a healthy relationship and environment for you or your daughter.

Bigcatpaws · 14/08/2024 10:00

DP needs dumped.

They don’t care about you.
Bad for dc too to be glued to the TV at past midnight.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 14/08/2024 10:01

Royalshyness · 14/08/2024 09:40

I’ve a ten year old and we are not super strict but he would be well asleep before 9.30

I couldn’t stay with a man this cruel. You were right to drive to your own house but to do that when you were already exhausted is beyond me. So mean.

I hope you are ok today xxx

The OP is a Man. They make this unclear (as per their other posts). They don't seek to correct anyone of this fact, but do enjoy adding ever more shocking details.

betterangels · 14/08/2024 10:05

JPMJuliz · 14/08/2024 09:39

“Glass” as in M Night Shaymalan’s Glass - the horror film highly inappropriate for a 10 year old?? What the heck OP?

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Completely inappropriate.

JFDIYOLO · 14/08/2024 10:05

Imagine what your daughter is going to be like when she hits puberty, having watched this awful relationship all her life.

So many options for her development with your example.

She'll have no respect for you and join in with abusing you, because you've cast yourself as the passive doormat.

Or she'll think that's just how relationships work - and be doomed to repeating putting up with the same shit you're modelling for her.

Or she'll behave like that to her own partner.

Your partner's ex ended their marriage precisely because of the TV watching behaviour that you're now complaining about.

But that's minor stuff.

The central point is that you're choosing to expose yourself - and more importantly your child - to an abuser.

You have a huge asset in your favour - a house, which many women here would pray for.

Time to turn it into a home for the two of you?

PermanentlyFullLaundryBasket · 14/08/2024 10:08

As the immediate fix, I'd have gone and got into the daughter's bed. Far easier and quicker than driving 40 miles at that time of night.
Then, separate to that, a conversation about how this is becoming a deal breaker for you and looking for a longer term solution.

OP does not appear to live their permanently as this other house appears to be available furnished and ready to go to in the middle of the night.

Side note, but is this a same sex relationship and is the daughter actually 'our' daughter or just one your, regardless of whose and whether they are mum or dad? If I found my 10 year old still in my bed at that time of night, she would get told to get back to her own bed. So I am wondering why this got tiptoed round, such as her not actually being 'our' child? There is something that feels slightly odd about the whole dynamic and the driving off elsewhere rather than sleep in her bed for the night.

Marseillaise · 14/08/2024 10:08

Preventing you from going to bed after midnight is 100% indefensible.

I would be thinking long and hard about whether to continue this relationship.

Original poster
MM1972 · 14/08/2024 10:08

Bectoria2006 · 14/08/2024 10:00

YANBU but I don’t understand why if he is your DP and you refer to your 10 year old and ‘our’ daughter you still have a place of your own you can go sleep at.

This doesn’t sound at all like a healthy relationship and environment for you or your daughter.

It's a house I have from a previous relationship. My partner wanted to be in the current location as their older daughter was going to school there.

It makes sense to me that we all live in one house that we own instead of paying rent.

Our current financial situation means neither of will be able to get a mortgage for several years.

OP posts:
BodenCardiganNot · 14/08/2024 10:10

It seems like a terrible relationship, not least for your children stuck in the middle of it. Why are you staying together?

HeadacheEarthquake · 14/08/2024 10:15

Ivehearditbothways · 14/08/2024 09:58

Putting a child in the middle of your games and then punishing that child for doing what the other parent told them to do is abuse.

If you can’t see that then you need parenting classes. It is abusive to punish a child for doing what their other parent told them to do. It is abusive to put a child in the middle of your relationship problems and then punish them for how they deal with it.

If you would punish the daughter in this situation then there is something very very wrong with your parenting. I hope you don’t actually have kids.

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If you read the original post very carefully you will see that it doesn't say either parent told her to do anything.

Hence why I said "send your kid to bed"

Their partner said the TV was staying on but didn't tell the kid to stay, go, or anything else. So yeah, I would have told the kid to go to bed rather than skulk off.

Nowhere does it say either parent gave her an actual instruction

This situation wouldn't occur for me because my and my husband don't have a telly in the bedroom but we do have love and respect for each other and a healthy sleep routine

Now stop fantasising about what you think my life is like and calm down before you do yourself a mischief!