MIL inviting visitors to our home

[MooMa83]

So my MIL has been very kind in helping out with a few odd days of childcare over the summer hols for our toddler and 7 year old at our house. Her relationship with my DH (her son) is strained, and I don't get on that well with her, but try to keep the peace as the kids love her and I want them to have a close relationship. However something is irking me....the last couple of times she has helped she has mentioned to my DH in the morning "I've invited so and so over for lunch/coffee today". These are people she is close to, that my husband knows from the past, but that I haven't met. I feel like she should have asked beforehand, and I'm not sure how I feel about someone I don't know in my house and around my children. Would this bother you?

Maybe get to know her friend a bit? I imagine the children would like some extra attention. MIL might be more relaxed and fun with a friend there. Much as I adore my grandkids it's even nicer if their auntie is there too.

Hmmm old ladies can be trouble 🤣

Omg another MIL bashing thread. If it doesn't suit you pay for childcare

I would be ok with it as long as she asked beforehand.

If it was a friend who my DH knew and didn’t have an issue with then I’d not mind as she’s doing a favour. Most of MIL friends I know of and wouldn’t mind.

if it was a complete stranger to DH too, or a new acquaintance of MIL etc then I’d not be happy about it.

DD9 often comes home from staying with MIL telling me about visits to see Aunty Debbie etc….. family friends that DH knows and I’ve possibly met at some stage but don’t “know” as such. I trust MIL to keep DD safe.

Another one who can't manage to hold a conversation safely in the presence of young children

Did you take a vow of silence when you had pre schoolers?

What don't you like? Is it the fact that strangers , to you, are in your home or your children being at risk? Is She using your food to feed them or does She bring something with her.
She could arrange to meet them outside of your home but the children would still be with her or you could just say can you clear it with me if someone is coming for coffee/ lunch.
Or you could install a camera to keep an eye on everyone.

Does she expect you to have enough food/drink for her friends? How can you know in advance? Do you have the impression she does this because she wants to see her friends, so in all innocence? Or do you think she does it to somehow......make a point? Just because she can? Maybe spite her son for some reason from the past? That would be malice, and in my opinion much worse. I wouldn't like it, but not make a big scene without talking it through with her, because yes, she does you a big favour too. Maybe you could ask her gently to not bring people to your house without talking it through with you and/or your DH?

It’s not about talking it’s about either being present with the adults and interacting or focusing on the children and being present. Doing both simultaneously isn’t possible and most adults prioritise not being perceived rude by other adults over the emotional and social needs of children.

As a former SAHM who cleaned my house, cooked dinner almost daily, washed up, did odd painting jobs as needed, did daily laundry, and also took care of the garden while simultaneously with looking after five DCs from birth, I think you've overegged the pudding there. And I sometimes had friends over for coffee too.

Nonsense.

And it is good for children to not have guaranteed adult attention and interaction every time a thought crosses their minds. There is more to emotional and social needs than turning yourself into a human Siri or Alexa, always ready with a response.

I had a lock on my bathroom door, and when I used the loo or had a shower, I locked it. If I was on the phone, I had a rule that they could only interrupt me if the house was on fire. All my DCs survived and turned into mature adults despite me having ten minutes to inhabit my own head occasionally.

I don't think so. Making the house visitor ready just in case, sounds like be a faff and extra stress.

I would not look after someone else's DC in their house and invite people to their house.

I would have a conversation with my MIL and agree rules of engagement. I may compromise, if they didn't want to babysit anymore, I would make alternative arrangements.

I'm not sure people NEED company when providing childcare. Especially not for "a few odd days". Looking after toddler and 7 year old could be pretty full on.

I don't want to make my house ready for someone else's visitors. I would rather other people didn't bring extra people or invite people to my house.

I love having visitors and hosting. Parties are just not for me. I like dinners with groups of friends.

I didn't have any support when my DC were small. If help was contingent on people having company, I would make other plans.

I wouldn't mind but I would expect to be asked first, 'Oh, would you mind if so-and-so dropped in for a coffee while I'm here?'. It's only polite.

I'd draw the line at three course lunches! And I certainly wouldn't be providing any food.

How is it low?

It’s reasonable to make sure. Accidents happen all the time and people do unfortunately find out after the fact that they are liable for xyz when something happens on their property. Her MIL isn’t doing this at her own home, but at OP and her DH’s so if something were to happen, it would be effecting them financially and possibly their future coverage and that definitely wouldn’t help the already strained relationship between MIL and her son.

Perhaps you should read your own household policy. My insurers said I wasn't covered when the new key I ordered was lost in the post.

Insurers now will make any excuse to avoid paying out. I would have thought that common sense, nothing to do with stooping low.

If you trust someone enough to have your kids then you should trust the choices they make in who they ask around I suppose. My MIL did this and I did feel a bit strange but was ok with it

Soz MIL, you can't have a friend round, it'll invalidate my house insurance 🤡

What does the clown face mean?

Stop being such a bloody idiot. HTH.

Unnecessary to be rude because I have a different opinion than yours nor did I say that the MIL shouldn’t have people over. I said it is rude to invite people to someone’s home without asking them.

So please elaborate "a few odd days". Two? Three? More? I bet it's the "more" option. Do you pay her? Guessing not. She's left her own comfortable environment so that your kids can stay in their own...that's a big ask, right there. They have all their own toys and familiar stuff at hand and don't need a helicopter gran. Why would you have any objection to a friend dropping in to keep her company? You sound entitled and demanding.

I'm guessing that a lot of the posters who are saying that MIL is being entitled and overstepping, would have no issue with their mum having a friend round.

DP is okay with his mum having the friend round, and the friend is someone he knows, so not a stranger. And it's his house and his kids too. If it was the other way around and he was saying that OP's mum couldn't have a friend round (friend known to OP and the visit approved by her) nearly everyone would think him controlling and unreasonable.

Or speak to her about it...

I can't speak for everyone but in my case I wouldn't want my mother inviting anyone but family over and asking me if it was okay first, her judgement in people isn't as good as my MIL who I adore ( love them both )
The issue I have is that this is MY house not an extention of my MILs or mother's property and as an adult who doesn't rely financially on either of them deserve the respect of another adult.

I wouldn't dream of inviting someone without asking permission or telling my MIL or mother so and so is coming over.

I'm not sure why mothers and MILs think they are above or owed more leeway with things like this.
I'm not saying there are no instances where family members take the mick in asking for childcare or babysitting above and over what is acceptable but in general let's not pretend that babysitting your own grandchildren is a completely selfless sacrifice and that should mean you get to trample over boundaries and decide things without asking.

It's just rude.