MIL inviting visitors to our home

[MooMa83]

So my MIL has been very kind in helping out with a few odd days of childcare over the summer hols for our toddler and 7 year old at our house. Her relationship with my DH (her son) is strained, and I don't get on that well with her, but try to keep the peace as the kids love her and I want them to have a close relationship. However something is irking me....the last couple of times she has helped she has mentioned to my DH in the morning "I've invited so and so over for lunch/coffee today". These are people she is close to, that my husband knows from the past, but that I haven't met. I feel like she should have asked beforehand, and I'm not sure how I feel about someone I don't know in my house and around my children. Would this bother you?

Same here.

My parents wouldn’t invite people to our home and vice versa. They’re the ones that taught me it was rude to invite people to a home that is not yours and to ask first. DH’s parents are the same and he also asks them if he can have someone over, regardless if they met them or not.

It would have taken seconds to ask and something should have been said earlier.

Why would you need to keep your house "visitor ready"? What's that about? What does it mean? Visitors are just fellow human beings - what needs to be ready for them?

People are welcomed into my house at any time - they take my home as it is.

Well done for letting your kids have a relationship with her when you don't like her. I don't know how I'd feel about her having friends round. As long as she's not neglecting the kids while she's entertaining. Is she just wanting to show them off?

Op did say the kids really love her

I can't believe how horrible some young women are to their mothers in law nowadays, particularly to those who are kindly looking after their grandchildren. Having worked for 40 years with other people's children, as well as bringing up three of my own it's the last thing I would have offered. I never expected my parents to look after my children, they were my responsibility. I am happy to babysit or take the grandchildren to the theatre or on holiday, but never would I expect to be treated like this.
What goes around will come around though. Wait till you are mothers-in-law yourselves, and desperately trying to build a kind relationship with your own daughter in law and grand children. Your hearts will break with the effort.

Not quite the same but we built our own house and while we were on holiday my friend was popping in to feed the cats (something I did in return when she was away).

When we came home my friend told me that she had invited various friends of hers around and gave them a tour because "I knew you wouldn't mind". I most certainly did mind!

I was so shocked I didn't say anything.

Yep .

I totally agree when at home with parents but when with a grandparent you rarely see I think the focus ought to be on the grandchildren not on socialising with friends

I know you’ll have replies of ‘she’s doing you a favour, she can basically shit in your flowerpots if it pleases her’

😂 yep.

🙄

Exactly, and why do women always refer to 'my' house, are they anticipating a divorce and taking him to the cleaners?

On the morning of my wedding (which was held at our home) my in-laws ran guided tours with their friends around my house while we were trying to get ready. My bridesmaids were caught in the shower and another in her underwear and my grown up nephew was caught getting dressed. I didn’t find out until afterwards. I was horrified. These were the same in-laws that let themselves into our home while we were on honeymoon and I got home to find the whole extended family plus friends in my pool. 🤯 (house was messy too).

The grandchildren would probably love a granny who roared up on a Harley especially if they were allowed to sit on it. My granddaughter loved to sit in the little 2 seater I had!

I wonder if these affronted mothers ever have a friend over for coffee or, heaven forbid, lunch, are they not bright enough to chat over coffee and keep an eye on the children wrecking the happy homestead?

She should have asked if it was ok. I would not dream of inviting a non-family member into my step-son's house, though I might bring DS in to say 'hello', if he has given me a lift there - he'd be welcome btw.

Awful. But not really comparable....

As far as I can see, the MIL's only mistake here is clearing it with her own DS rather than the lady of the house. I suspect the underlying problem in truth is that the OP doesn't really like her MIL, so is hypersensitive to perceived wrongs. There's no suggestion she's not trustworthy, and the guests weren't strangers but longstanding friends known to the DH.

If ever I'm a GM asked to provide childcare I'll offer to do so in my own home, or clarify that I'm expected to treat their home as my own. Looking after young children in a house where she's not welcome to relax properly is an unreasonable ask.

A friend used to come home and find his MIL in his house for no reason whatsoever. During the middle of the day, she’d just be sat there reading the paper and drinking coffee 😂 they changed the locks when she kept doing it after being asked not to.

Yep, mine would do similar. I think she felt because it was her son's home, it was also her space to do whatever she wanted. I've very much a more private person. I still love her dearly (even though she is now my ex-MIL) and meet with her often but people just have different boundaries. God love her!! :-D

If you know your MIL and if (according to your standards) she is decent I would imagine so are her friends therefore should be no issues if your children are around them.

You could mention next time to inform or ask if she is willing to invite someone to your family home.

As far as I can see, the MIL's only mistake here is clearing it with her own DS rather than the lady of the house.

Yep. On Mumsnet, MILs are not supposed to pester their DILs about arrangements. Communication with MIL is supposed to be their DH's responsibility. But when MIL gets permission for something from her son, without checking with DIL, that's also wrong.

Again, I'm so relieved to only be a MIL to sons in law. Mine are entirely chilled with the relationship, bless them!

At the very least I'd consider this cheeky to not okay it in advance and not hours before the friend was turning up. The positive slant is that she feels comfortable to welcome people round, but it sounds rude and disrespectful to not give proper warning or check that you would both be comfortable.

I would wonder if she is looking after your children diligently or entertaaining her friend. I would worry that she’d be chatting and not really paying attention to the children. I wouldn’t like people I didn’t know in my house either.

The joys of not paying for childcare!

My friend often invites me round when she has her grandchildren. Her daughter in law loves it. Two ladies having fun with two children is a bonus particularly when the children are different ages. One can be colouring while the other feeds the baby. One pushing the swing whilst one has the little one in the push chair. One singing and playing baby toys while the other bakes with the big one etc etc.
Maybe if you met the visitor first you would feel more at ease?

Free childcare never ends up being free.

I wouldn’t be happy with this either, but if you say no you’re likely to end up with a cross MiL who may decide not to babysit anymore, or take them out to meet her friends with your kids to places you may not like where she won’t have full attention on your kids. Maybe safer all round to either bite your tongue or look for alternate childcare provision.

if DH knows them and says they’re ok I think might help, maybe try to meet them to rid any fear.