MIL inviting visitors to our home

[MooMa83]

So my MIL has been very kind in helping out with a few odd days of childcare over the summer hols for our toddler and 7 year old at our house. Her relationship with my DH (her son) is strained, and I don't get on that well with her, but try to keep the peace as the kids love her and I want them to have a close relationship. However something is irking me....the last couple of times she has helped she has mentioned to my DH in the morning "I've invited so and so over for lunch/coffee today". These are people she is close to, that my husband knows from the past, but that I haven't met. I feel like she should have asked beforehand, and I'm not sure how I feel about someone I don't know in my house and around my children. Would this bother you?

She might be "comfortable" but she could also be pretty bored. I love my grandchildren to bits, but strangely I don't find spending several hours a day watching them play and talking about Thomas, Bluey and Barbie terribly stimulating mentally.

The way I'd tackle this is the following - when you get home and she has been minding your children, start a conversation with her saying that you're very grateful for her looking after X and Y because it got you out of a pickle but going forwards, she must ask both of you if she wants to have guests in your home when you're not there - not simply announce it as if it's a done deal.

"Must ask"? Can you Imagine how that conversation goes? Your MIL has just done you a massive favour, you're thanking her for it, and you tell her she can only do favours for you again on certain conditions. Surely there's only one answer to that?

Sitting at home with young children can be very very boring. I know when mine were younger I used to love people calling as it broke up the day.

This wouldn’t bother me at all. She’s family, she is in your house for the day so naturally her friends come there. Just as your friends might if you were looking after your kids at home.

Also in our family we tend to work on ‘your friend is my friend’ unless there is a reason to think differently.

And if it makes childcare more fun and more enjoyable for her, she’ll be keener to do more of it!

If she is holding an Ann Summers party or arranging stripper grams for her friends birthday at your house then maybe take action.

This is like those threads where a DH doesn't get how draining it is spending days on end home alone with DC because he does it so rarely, it's all a bit of an adventure when he does.

OP is expecting MIL to see this as a huge treat, when reality is it's probably all a bit of a drudge. At least in your own home looking after DC, you can get on with bits while stuck in with DC. My parents were brilliant with my DC, but would never have them at my house, for this reason. They'd have DC, care for them and entertain them, but their basic life carried on as normal, they'd do the garden, housework, the shopping, have lunch with friends. It must be miserable for MIL stuck in someone else's house all day.

They are not strangers . They are longstanding friends that the OP’s DH has known from years ago

The only bit you picked up on was the coffee - I was thinking along the lines of expensive Nespresso pods being used here and we wouldn't know how many. If it's instant coffee - she could have the whole jar as far as I am concerned. I was genuinely thinking of coffee the equivalent cost to something you'd get from a local coffee shop. Not filter drip coffee or instant - but what I would consider posh coffee.
Apologies for not specifying what I meant in my earlier post. And yes, if someone was going through my Nespresso pods very quickly because they like them, I'd be asking them to provide their own pods.

When they're giving you free childcare, that you don't even have to deliver kids to?

@Edingril where did I say that? OP knows her kids, I know my kids, and I know that they need full attention unless they're in front of a screen. And I wouldn't want them in front of a screen all day.

Dear Future DIL,

When / if you have children I will be delighted and willing to help in whatever way I can. I remember what it is like y young children and fully understand that times and knowledge change, and people have their own approach. I will support this: I will not be feeding my grandchild foods that you prefer them not to have or engage in old fashioned practices that you feel are unsafe.

However, if we go to the park it is likely that I will meet other grandmothers who are my friends. The mums of your DH’s childhood friends for example. And on the way back they might stop off for a cup of tea. You know, just as when you are at home with the kids you also socialise a bit. One day, I might invite my old friend xxx who was your DH’s informal godmother, she used to babysit him, for sandwiches over lunch. She’d love to meet his kids.

And if you then ‘address this’ with me, talking about ‘strangers’ and ‘permission’ and ‘your home and invasion of privacy’ I may well tell you to stuff it. Treat me like hired staff, and I will resign when my employment conditions don’t suit.

xx

I'd like to also clarify - I don't hate Mother's in law. I get on very well with my MiL. I do have a strong dislike to anyone, MiL/FiL/BiL/SiL/DB/Dsis/anyone assuming something rather than simply checking if it's ok. That's all.

Even if they were saving you 100s of pounds in child care? When I babysit at my DD's house I can help myself to whatever I want She wouldn't dream of asking me to provide my own food and drink.Or to drink the crap coffee. The rest of your post is just as ridiculous.

Are you usually so tight fisted?

You could phrase it in such a way as you're trying to teach your 7yr old that you get more by asking than assuming and demanding.

That is patronising to a provocative level.

Inviting someone into someone else's home even once is pure entitlement. The daughter-in-law isn't taking advantage of anything because the op has agreed. All she has to do is tell her daughter-in-law that she's no longer available to provide regular childcare. You can try to spin this any way you want to, the op is no victim here.

If you're in that person's home for several hours two days a week using your free time to do them a massive favour then no, it's not "pure entitlement". It clearly wasn't a secret, and the free babysitter having a trusted friend for a bit of company occasionally doesn't harm the other person in any way. In fact, many parents would actually suggest it as an incentive.

My MIL did this once when she was house sitting while we were away. she invited her mate and they all partied in our house. I wasn’t happy! The women was going through my items, clothes, everything…

So do you never ever have friends round, and do you never talk to their father or your parents/siblings or whatever if they come round when the children are there?

To add, mil was using my designer bags etc..

If I was giving someone free childcare that would otherwise cost them hundreds of pounds and they told me to bring my own Nespresso pods, I'd bring the entire arrangement very swiftly to an end.

Well,aren't you nice!

MIL, I assume. I mean I watch my kids when I have a friend over for lunch.

They aren't strangers. They are people OP's husband has known for years.

Well, the children like her, and they will benefit from interacting with people other than family.

But of course you do have a choice, and you could cough up for childcare instead.

Oh give over . So not one mother ever could possibly look after a child and have a chat at the same time . How ridiculous.

"Inviting someone into someone else's home even once is pure entitlement. The daughter-in-law isn't taking advantage of anything because the op has agreed."

Lots of people agree to do things because they've felt pressured, or obligated - agreement doesn't necessarily mean that no advantage is being taken.

Given that some people are totally okay with this, and others aren't, I'd say that OP and her mil are just different types of personality on this issue, rather than mil being 'entitled'. Shes just in the camp who wouldn't see this as a problem. It's not helpful to look for offence where none was intended.

I wouldn't like having people in my house either, but if I've trusted my parent with my children, then I have to trust their judgement when caring for them. Sometimes we have to accept compromise and putting up with something we don't ideally want, because we are gaining more than we lose.
Obviously if mil was inviting people round who went through the OPs possessions and were disrespectful of her home, that would be one thing, but these are old family friends, who are known to the dh and are decent people.

It's a big thing to sit in someone else's house all day, minding their kids and to be completely unable to get on with any aspect of your own life at the same time. This just breaks up the boredom of the day a bit for mil.

As for the poster who would resent mil and friend using the expensive coffee pods - you do realise they cost about £5 per box and mil would need to go some before she got anywhere close to costing you what you are saving in childcare fees! The mind boggles at how short sighted some people can be. Weirdly, minding kids is not a total joy - not even the ones you love. Free childcare is a huge favour, so don't piss off parents/in-laws by moaning about them making themselves comfortable, while going you this huge favour!

Spot on .