MIL inviting visitors to our home

[MooMa83]

So my MIL has been very kind in helping out with a few odd days of childcare over the summer hols for our toddler and 7 year old at our house. Her relationship with my DH (her son) is strained, and I don't get on that well with her, but try to keep the peace as the kids love her and I want them to have a close relationship. However something is irking me....the last couple of times she has helped she has mentioned to my DH in the morning "I've invited so and so over for lunch/coffee today". These are people she is close to, that my husband knows from the past, but that I haven't met. I feel like she should have asked beforehand, and I'm not sure how I feel about someone I don't know in my house and around my children. Would this bother you?

Damn, you stole my post!

I could barely believe what I was reading when I saw that suggestion, and could barely wait to get to the end of the thread to say so.

It's not actually true either 😆

Crikey! I missed that post. Definitely don't do that if you ever want your mil to even speak to you, let alone give you help!

Goes to show that people really don't appreciate what they get for free in life!

I am totally blown away by the thought processes of some posters. I am a gran (and therefore both mother and MIL) to 7 children. I have done lots of child care over the years and my DC have been grateful and polite to me - and have not set down rules as they trust me.

The only reason I can think that the OP might object to a friend of her MIL dropping in is because she does not trust her MIL - in which case why the hell is she letting her look after her children? Ah - could it be because she does not want to spend money on child care?

Be grateful for the free child care and treat your MIL politely or don't make use of her.

Just you wait till you are a MIL!!!

Given that the same poster thinks that grandma should bring her own coffee when she does childcare (though she might be allowed to use some cheap instant) I have to feel desperately sorry for any MIL that she might have.

I would not like other people inviting visitors, telling rather than asking and doing so last minute.

My house is not visitor ready at all times and I'm not that keen on visitors, this would bother me. I HATE pop ins.

I have a massive family that lack boundaries. I am happy for close friends and siblings to visit whenever, they can take us as they find us. I am less accomodating to people bringing addition guests.

There's a very simple answer for those who want to have rules about what a parent coming to their home to do free childcare for them, is allowed to do.

Deliver the children to their grandparents' home, and pick them up at the end. Make some effort on your part. Expecting free childcare, for the GP to pick up the bill and the effort of the commute, and THEN adding a bunch of rules that they have to follow, really is entitlement.

YOU do the commute. Let her have the comfort of her own home, and then she gets to call the shots.

Couldn’t agree more. I have 8 grandkids and help out when help is needed. All of the parents go out of their way to make my childcare as smooth as possible. None of them would be remotely upset if a friend dropped in for coffee.

The only real downside of being mother to boys is the need to negotiate future family relationships with a DIL, who will quite naturally gravitate to her DM for help and support. It's noticeable that threads criticising Mothers in Law hugely outnumber those about DMs. It's as though DM is an extension of the poster so there's natural sympathy, whilst MILs are outsiders. wielding entitlement to muscle their way in where they aren't really wanted. And if DH treats his DM in the same way as daughters treat theirs, people will say a poster has 'a husband problem'.
I think the best piece of advice I've seen here, amongst the aggressive MIL bashing, is for grandparents who are good enough to offer childcare to do so in their own homes, where they can suit themselves, be comfortable and not bear the costs of commuting. And it will be a relief to some, that GPs therefore can pay for their own coffee and not scrounge from their DIL's fridge.

Every now and then there is a thread which asks why more grandparents don’t help out with child care. God, I can see why they don’t.

I know some people who had granny provide a lot of childcare for their two children. Then they announced that they were expecting a third and were horrified when granny said that she just couldn’t do it any more and they’d have to use paid childcare. I think the wife ended up leaving work because it was so expensive.

We need to value female labour more.

No dear, it isn’t. It never fails to amaze me how odd people are on mumsnet. Especially where the MiL is concerned. If my MiL had lived long enough to care for our DC I would be very grateful. I wouldn’t consider her ‘entitled’ if she had a friend or two round for lunch, I would probably leave them something for sandwiches and as many bloody Nespresso pods as they wanted.

Understood... BUT there is a world of difference in turning yout back and getting involved /locking self in kitchen. And chatting over the kids heads while they're playing....

I used to go to a toddler group, where granny brought her DGS and her friend, to help her.

Presumably, anyone with a mum/mil who can't be relied upon to safely look after the children, wouldn't be asked to have them in the first place.

Having read more of the posts, I realise that my initial post was an over reaction.

If its a helpful friend, that would be a bonus and of course everyone likes a bit of company.
But it wasn't clear from OP's post how many friends were coming over.
From her post it appears she doesn't know them and MIL didn't tell her.

I've been in situations when DC were young when visitors, particularly ones who don't have regular contact with toddler age, have demanded full attention. Also having had some difficult experiences with people caring for them, not realising how quick DC can be at that age, it left me a lot less trusting, so if it was me I'd want the MIL to tell me who was coming.

This thread has been an eye opener to see how many batshit mothers are out there. Makes me glad that I'll never have a DIL

I always find it strange how many posters there are who don’t like their MIL, but basically tolerate them because they want something from them, being either free childcare or financial handouts.

MIL is doing you and your husband a big favour by looking after the children. Having a friend or two over for coffee doesn’t seem a big ask. Yes she should tell you first, and obviously she needs to stay mentally as well as physically present for the children whilst she’s caring for them, but I can totally understand wanting adult company. This is why SAHMs frequently have each other to their houses during the day - it makes sense!

Glad i dont live in the bat shit world lots of others seem to live in 😆The woman is saving you so much money and she cant even ask a friend round to keep her company, kids are boring when you spend all day with them... yes even your little darlings, so some adult company definitely makes it easier. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest but i'm one of these crazy people who answers the phone to unknown numbers, opens the door when someone has the audacity to knock and will happily do a favour without thinking what i am getting in return!

@Dumbo18 Totally agree!

But do you think your attitude might change if those people were doing you a big favour? Surely if you're bothered about whether your house is visitor ready, the answer is to make it so on the days they're helping you and might have someone round to keep them company?

Huh? Why would OP even be there to answer the door if her MIL is providing childcare?

If she were, and behaved like this, it's pretty clear it would be the last time she had childcare or indeed any other help from her MIL.

When DC3 was a baby I asked MIL to babysit so I could take my then toddler to a toddler class. It was once a week for 2 hours over 6 weeks. I actually only asked her to give her a chance to bond with the baby.

She started inviting a family member and there toddler over without asking me or they would just turn up at my house.

I drew the line on the babysitting when my then toddler came home to find the family members toddler had been in his room upstairs, taken his favourite toys and was throwing a massive tantrum over being asked to give it back. His room was also a total mess and my own toddler was hysterical over his favourite toy being taken from his room when he was out.

I was absolutely furious as I had never given permission for MIL to invite anyone over and had definitely never given permission for her to let a very spoilt unruly toddler who had never been given any boundaries run about upstairs. I actually had left a bottle of bathroom cleaning products within reach of a toddler in the bathroom as I had not expected one in my house at that point.

After that I booked DC3 into dc2 old childminder for a morning a week so I could take dc2 to this group. DH couldn't figure out why i was so annoyed until i pointed out that his mother was not bonding with our child at all as she only had eyes for her golden grandchild when she is there, the house then needed cleaned again after me going out despite it being left spotless and she had no right to invite anyone to our home when we were not there let alone encourage there childminder to run around the upstairs of our home.

I totally understand why your not happy. It's an absolute invasion of your home and privacy.

I do think it's presumptuous to casually mention that you're having friends over to someone else's home rather than asking if it they would mind, even if you are doing them a favour. My home is my private sanctuary, so I wouldn't be overjoyed at the idea of people I didn't know coming over regularly, but I'd probably agree if I didn't have to interact with them. She is saving you a lot of money. However, the backstory of the strained relationship between your MIL and DH may change the dynamics and make it feel like a bigger issue than it would starting from a warmer, happier base level.

I’m a grandma who has done various sorts of childcare for family over the years and whilst they always say “ of course, no problem, I always ask if they’d mind x/x and grandchild calling in. I think it’s basic good manners, they might be family and I have a key, but it’s not my house.
I also never use my key to let myself in without sending them a text “ just to let you know I let myself in to drop off xyz”
However I have adult children/step children who wouldn’t dream of telling me not to drink their best stuff!