MIL inviting visitors to our home

[MooMa83]

So my MIL has been very kind in helping out with a few odd days of childcare over the summer hols for our toddler and 7 year old at our house. Her relationship with my DH (her son) is strained, and I don't get on that well with her, but try to keep the peace as the kids love her and I want them to have a close relationship. However something is irking me....the last couple of times she has helped she has mentioned to my DH in the morning "I've invited so and so over for lunch/coffee today". These are people she is close to, that my husband knows from the past, but that I haven't met. I feel like she should have asked beforehand, and I'm not sure how I feel about someone I don't know in my house and around my children. Would this bother you?

Where has @moderndilemma shown any entitlement? Quite the opposite. She put up with her DIL's rules, but felt sad about how she was seen.

No one has forced her to put up with her daughter-in-law's rules, of which the only one we've been told about is her not wanting strangers in her home.

You're making no sense. Where's the entitlement?

She did what most of the people in this thread want. She sucked up the rule and continued to provide free childcare.

It's not entitled, for her to feel sad that she was treated like an employee rather than a family member doing something helpful and kind, and free of charge.

She feels that her doing her son and daughter-in-law the favour of childcare should allow her to have her friends in their home. That's entitlement.

I know it's different but my step mom does something a little similar. She'll arrange to pop in for a cuppa but then sometimes bring other people with her ie her daughter in law, sister, neighbour and other friend have arrived In tow before.
I don't mind if I know but I hate the unexpected visits!

It wouldn't bother me at all. I'd be glad she was enjoying herself. It will make her more likely to want to continue to watch the kids which would be in everyone's interests. She told the DH so it's not like she is sneaking around.

That's not entitlement. She did it once, she was told that she wasn't allowed to. She stopped. She didn't argue, she didn't invite the friend anyway. She just followed the rule.
The entitlement was on the other side. DIL feels entitled to treat her like an employee, despite taking advantage of free childcare that is saving her a fortune (and saving her drop off and pick up commutes to nursery)

Inviting someone into someone else's home even once is pure entitlement. The daughter-in-law isn't taking advantage of anything because the op has agreed. All she has to do is tell her daughter-in-law that she's no longer available to provide regular childcare. You can try to spin this any way you want to, the op is no victim here.

Yeah - but if the granny announces that she isn’t going to be doing any more childcare, this is going to make things really hard for her children. If the DIL is expected in work on Monday at 8:30 (say) then that only works if the granny actually turns up.

If the granny is good enough to look after the children, she’s good enough to make herself comfortable in the family house.

I wouldn’t find this problematic at all.

The parents should have considered the financial implications of having children before they had them, or they can modify their lifestyle in order for a parent to stay at home, or they can utilise the benefits system if needed, or Granny can tell the parents that she will only watch the child in her home so she can invite friends around when she pleases. What do you think parents do who don't have any free childcare available at all? They deal with it.

Granny is perfectly capable of being "comfortable" without inviting her friends into a home that doesn't belong to her without the homeowner's/parents consent.

So... Do you NEVER have friends over/speak to a partner??

I wouldn't mind my MIL doing this, but I can't imagine her actually doing it, nor doing it without asking first. She even tells us who is going to lunch at her own house and if we are going, whether to invite other family or not! So I wouldn't mind safely in the knowledge this would never happen. We also don't request free childcare though, so there's that to balance matters. You can ask her not to bring others over so she can focus on the grandchildren, but be prepared not to get free childcare any more.

This is the second post I've read saying this, how is there more than one person who can't make a cup of tea or talk to someone else while looking after a child.

You didn't actually bring up your own children never doing those things did you? I can't fathom that at all

This isn’t something I would be at all bothered about with my MiL. She is doing me a favour by looking after the kids and if having a friend round for some of the time makes it a pleasanter experience for her then I’d be more than happy about it.

I don't see the argument that she can’t be looking after them properly if she has a friend round. She’s a grandmother watching her grandchildren in a family home, not a childcare provider being paid to make sure the Early Years Foundation Framework is followed. I don’t want looking after her DGC to be more of a chore for her than it has to be and I know having friends round made full days of looking after kids a lot easier for me.

But neither DH nor I have a strained relationship with my MiL. Is that more of the issue?

Your MIL is lovely in many many ways but she isn’t welcome to use the toilets if she needs it when she is in your area?

I despair of being a MIL one day.

I think it's delightful.
It's great that older and younger people can socialize.
Your kids will be interested to meet Granny's friend and Granny is super proud of the grandchildren.

Your husband knows these people so it's up to him be alert if it is someone not to his liking.

You could say that you are pleased her friend is known to DH as you would be uncomfortable with strangers in your home with the children.

@IamtheDevilsAvocado my kids are 5 and 2, so no, I can't have friends over while I'm looking after them, because they need eyes on at all times.

My MIL will chat to anyone and everyone. She once said she'd take the kids for a walk down the beach. I had to run over as she'd stopped to chat to some random and not watched the small one fall over on some rocks. Similar at the playground. She gives all her focus to the person she's talking to and cannot multitask enough to keep the kids safe.

Quite apart from people I don't know in my house. I am totally with OP on this one.

You have someone you don't like doing the childcare in your home?

I think that's the issue. If I had someone I trusted enough to do that, I'd trust them to have guests, in the same way that it would be perfectly Ok to have a friend round for coffee whole they cared for DC in their home.

If she's given much of her summer to looking after your DC for free, she should be able to have some social life around it too, in the same way that you'd presumably still see friends whilst caring for DC.

I think you'll find even paid childminders are allowed to have friends in for coffee. The idea that you can't care for a toddler and a 7yo whilst also having a coffee with a friend is bonkers. If anything, she will probably find the friends help, with an extra pair of eyes.

So single parents are never allowed to have anyone over when they have children?

So you have two adults to keep an eye on them. Bonus, particularly when MiL needs the loo or is making a cup of coffee.

It's not as if chatting to your friends is something that requires 100% concentration. Are you going to ban all SAHMs from ever having a friend round in case they're distracted?

The way I'd tackle this is the following - when you get home and she has been minding your children, start a conversation with her saying that you're very grateful for her looking after X and Y because it got you out of a pickle but going forwards, she must ask both of you if she wants to have guests in your home when you're not there - not simply announce it as if it's a done deal.
You could phrase it in such a way as you're trying to teach your 7yr old that you get more by asking than assuming and demanding.

One follow up question - if she's inviting them for lunch, is she providing the food or is she using groceries that you've bought for you, your DH and your kids to feed her friends? If it's the latter I'd actually throw in that you were wondering how the food that you had planned menus around was going so quickly and if she could sort out her own food for her guests going forwards that would be appreciated too.

I wouldn't be too harsh if she is having someone around for coffee though if there is a coffee shop nearby, she could ask her guests to pick up a latte/whatever for them to have on their way to see her.

What? I'm sure the OP can provide coffee for her MiL who is doing free bloody child care.

Jesus. There is some MiL hate on MN.

Jesus, you'd begrudge the woman giving you free childcare, using your coffee to make her friend a drink? You'd expect a guest to your house to bring their own coffee?