MIL inviting visitors to our home

[MooMa83]

So my MIL has been very kind in helping out with a few odd days of childcare over the summer hols for our toddler and 7 year old at our house. Her relationship with my DH (her son) is strained, and I don't get on that well with her, but try to keep the peace as the kids love her and I want them to have a close relationship. However something is irking me....the last couple of times she has helped she has mentioned to my DH in the morning "I've invited so and so over for lunch/coffee today". These are people she is close to, that my husband knows from the past, but that I haven't met. I feel like she should have asked beforehand, and I'm not sure how I feel about someone I don't know in my house and around my children. Would this bother you?

My son was well aware and was fine with it. He hadn't discussed it properly with his wife.

I didn't treat their house as my home. I didn't do my washing or ironing there, I didn't clean (except clearing up after the dgc's meals etc), I never went into their bedroom or looked in their bathroom cupboards. I was entirely respectful. All I did was invite a friend of mine, who had known my son all his life, over for a coffee or a sandwich.

And Yes. I was lonely providing childcare 2 days a week. In a house that wasn't my own. In a neighbourhood I didn't know, with no other adult company from 7.30am (when I arrived) until 6pm when I left. I think there are many parents who would feel the same kind of loneliness on a dark cold rainy day in November with two relentless fractious children for company. Why can I not express that? Or am I supposed to be grateful for every wonderful bonding moment?

And of course, the whole experience was much, much more wonderful and positive and glorious than what I've written here. I adore spending time with my dgc, always have and I hope I always will. I have utterly magical memories from those times when they were small and I was such a big part of their lives. I wasn't 'babysitting'. I wasn't popping in for a couple of hours while they were sleeping. I was for 28% of their weekly daytime care, an integral part of their life and support. They are much older now and I've spent 2 days with them. We (me and dgc) have a lovely relationship. We (me and ds and dil) also have a lovely relationship.

I mention none of the above feelings to dil, because I value what we all have.

In that case the parents should deliver the children to Grandma's house and pick them up again.

I do my DGDs' childcare in my own house. It's way better. I'm comfortable in my house, I know its quirks and I know how to keep the children safe in it. I know where everything is, and I'm comfortable and relaxed.

They have their own toys here, and the relative novelty combined with their favourite 'things we do at Grandma's' makes it easy to entertain them. On the occasions when I've looked after them for a few hours at DD's, I've not known what to do with myself/where things are/etc, and time has gone really slowly.

Their dad and I meet half way to do the transfer. It works for us all. And of course no-one gets to dictate what I do in my own home (not that DD and her DH would dictate what I did in theirs).

I am a grandparent, and I'm not being harsh. I watch my grandchild every chance I can , and I know exactly how challenging it is. I also have enough respect for my daughter and her husband to not have people in their home if they were not comfortable with it. They make the rules as to who they allow around their child. Period. End of discussion. I also don't moan about being unpaid help because I can't treat their home as if it's my own. If I didn't agree with their terms and conditions, I wouldn't babysit.

if my DD had such harsh terms and conditions I wouldn't baby sit in her house,

It's a gross invasion of your privacy, your home and yours and your families space .........the cheek of it, get some boundaries in place.

Or use paid child care.

That's great for you. My daughter doesn't have any terms and conditions I'm aware of, however I would never invite people into her home or ask to. I wouldn't even consider it.

Just pay someone to look after your own children.

@MooMa83 I hope you're not distracted by any of the spats, but you will see there are quite polarised views. Many parents who think it would be entirely disrespectful for your MIL to have friends over, others who would be completely unphased.

I posted (at 20.39) so you might understand what it felt like on the other side. I hope you can read every post in this thread and come to your own understanding.

My friend looks after her grandson in her daughter’s home every Tuesday. On several occasions I have spent the day there providing her with some company and helping to take care of the toddler. Her daughter is delighted and I an welcome to go over as often as we like.

Thanks all..really useful to gauge whether I'm being unreasonable. As people have said, she is doing us a massive favour... I think the thing that doesn't sit right is her arranging it and not asking us...just telling us on the day. And the not knowing who they are...granted DH knows them from the past. It's just not something I would do personally, and we don't have that close a relationship. But you are right...if I don't like it find alternative childcare!

She’s out of line here. I’d make other childcare plans if you can or ask her to knock the lunches on the head.

It’s weird to have strangers in your home and around your children when you’re not there. She has plenty of time to see her friends.

Well maybe if you hate this so much, you should drop your kids at her house where she can have any friend or neighbour in for a chat or a coffee at her own house but that probably wouldn't suit you having to drop off and pickup your kids for free childcare. Fucking hell 😳

Just as a side note does she ever look after your kids at her own house. Just saying...

Heavens - how precious can some mums be?! Your (FREE) childcare person invites a friend round and you take offence!

Chill man!

Seriously? This person said she reduced her own working hours to do two days’ childcare a week. I think that is a fairly serious childcare favour.

If the grandparents just downed tools and stopped doing childcare with no notice, how many people would be utterly screwed? Our economy relies on older people (nearly all women) helping out.

Is there any reason why you don't let her look after them in her own home, @Ashellwithin ? My DD assumed from the start that I'd have then at mine, and it would be down to them as parents to arrange drop off, just as they would when their children are at nursery. I'm very glad that they did, because it's so much better for me, and, I think, for the DGDs.

I managed to do this as a parent, she is not a paid child carer

Wouldn't bother me. I'm not precious about people coming over anymore. I was probably a bit less accepting when the children were younger, but now I wish i hadn't sweated the small stuff. It's lovely for the kids too see their grandparents. What a gift to be loved by many, sounds like they love her too. And it's great for children to see socialising in different ways. I wish we had more family around.

Wouldn't worry me. But then I love my MIL, and I know many of her friends. They're all nice too. I'd probably leave some nice cakes for them to enjoy with their coffee.

When I read this, my first thought was 'that's the end of this thread' because you described the MIL postion so beautifully, and I imagined everyone would immediately see that there's no umbridge to be taken. So I'm a little shocked by the backlash against @moderndilemma . But I should have remembered that, on MN, all mothers in law are evil.
@moderndilemma, I wish you were my DS's grandmother.

No one forced her to stop working two days a week to care for her grandchildren. If she did so to be a martyr, that's on her, and doing a favour doesn't give you rights over anyone's home or anything else. I have a grandchild, who I adore, and I adore my daughter, but I am not giving up two days of my job to watch her child. She's the mum, she's responsible for raising her child.

@PemberleynotWemberley I wish you were my dil!

Jeez! No one forced me to do it. I'm not a bloody martyr. I am part of a family and an extended community of family and friends.

I'm sorry but I do not understand your hostility.

and doing a favour doesn't give you rights over anyone's home or anything else.

I'm very lucky that I don't even need to think about it. My DD hugely appreciated my offer to have my DGD/s when she and her DH have shift clashes (the DGDs go to nursery part time, but it doesn't allow for quirks of their rotas). DD and son in law go out of their way to ensure that I'm not inconvenienced more than necessary, and that I'm happy with the arrangements. And I'm not given any rules that I have to abide by.

It's really hard to read some of the attitudes of posters on this thread, to grandparents who are being kind enough to help, and to save them money. There's no acknowledgement at all of what they're giving up to do so. Just demands, rules, and accusations of boundary crossing etc, because they have the nerve to invite a friend round for coffee. Some of you really don't deserve these women and their help.

I don't understand your sense of entitlement.