Page 3 | MIL inviting visitors to our home

MooMa83 · 2024-08-13T15:11:42+00:00

So my MIL has been very kind in helping out with a few odd days of childcare over the summer hols for our toddler and 7 year old at our house. Her relationship with my DH (her son) is strained, and I don't get on that well with her, but try to keep the peace as the kids love her and I want them to have a close relationship. However something is irking me....the last couple of times she has helped she has mentioned to my DH in the morning "I've invited so and so over for lunch/coffee today". These are people she is close to, that my husband knows from the past, but that I haven't met. I feel like she should have asked beforehand, and I'm not sure how I feel about someone I don't know in my house and around my children. Would this bother you?

susiedaisy1912 · 13/08/2024 17:42

I wouldn't like people I don't know in my house when I'm not there but I also know that it's boring babysitting for kids in someone else's house so I can see why she invited her friends over. My ex in-laws had a key and used to pop in to use the loo and make themselves a drink if they were on a long walk and needed to stop. It used to piss me off but I tried to see it from the point of view that if it was my mum and dad that had done that I wouldn't have minded in the slightest.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/08/2024 17:43

She's not even asking she's telling them she's invited so and so round.

She can do what she likes in her own home but it's rude to take liberties like this with someone else's home.

Why can't she just invite her friends round to her home on days she's not supposed to be looking after the children? She should be making the most of the time she has with them.

AxolotlEars · 13/08/2024 17:56

Absolutely fine by me!

EI12 · 13/08/2024 18:29

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/08/2024 17:08

Looking after lively toddlers requires full attention. They can very quickly end up doing things that might result in an injury, whilst wandering off out of sight, into the garden or another room or making a huge mess.
If the adult in charge is entertaining friends can they keep a close enough eye on the DC?

So for that reason, I wouldn't be happy. Also how many friends? More than one means MIL is focussing on hosting.

Exactly, how dare she focus on anything but unpaid childminding! Sack her! And don't pay her the statutory exit fee.... Oh, wait....

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/08/2024 19:17

It's not a question of paid or unpaid. It's a safety issue. She's either hosting her friends or she's looking after a lively toddler. OP thought she was just with the children. She wasn't given the option of knowing the friends were coming round.

It's fine when children are a bit older, but toddlers can move very quickly. Mine was a climber.
I once hired a home help/nanny so that I could work from home and came downstairs to find her writing in her diary, whilst my 2.5 year old was in the kitchen having pulled cutlery out of the drawers and emptying yogurt from the fridge onto the floor. I was a lot more careful about babysitters etc after that.

ShinyNewMe · 13/08/2024 19:20

More than one means MIL is focussing on hosting

Having a couple of friends around for a cup of tea and a chat isn't exactly hosting. Put the kettle on, and a few biscuits on a plate if you want to make it an occasion.

TinyYellow · 13/08/2024 19:26

It's not a question of paid or unpaid. It's a safety issue. She's either hosting her friends or she's looking after a lively toddler.

Don’t be daft. Adults are perfectly capable of looking after toddlers at the same time as having company with friends. People do it all the time.

saraclara · 13/08/2024 19:27

As a grandparent who does occasional childcare, I'm rolling my eyes at the idea that I can't make a cup of coffee or talk to someone, and look after my toddler grandchild at the same time.

If my DD thought I was that incompetent, she surely wouldn't be trusting me with her child in the first place.

PemberleynotWemberley · 13/08/2024 19:39

ShinyNewMe · 13/08/2024 16:52

I wouldn't mind this at all. It's not like they're getting pissed and doing karaoke.

Hmm well it's possible they are getting pissed and doing Karoaoke, the op wasn't clear on this.
I can see how it might be Irksome, but you could also see it as a compliment to your DC and your home.
I had a live-in Nanny who invited her DM and DM's friend to come have a look at our twins- that was annoying. But the children's actual Grandmother who's doing free childcare could be allowed a pass. I would ask her for advance notice though, as a pp said, to make sure you've tidied away the penis beaker.

TemuSpecialBuy · 13/08/2024 19:40

FatmanandKnobbin · 13/08/2024 16:16

I think this is what people mean when they say free childcare is never really free.

I wouldn't like people in my home, but would probably bite my tongue since she's doing you a massive favour.

Having MILs friends around my kids, especially ones DH knew, wouldn't bother me though.

Yeah. I agree with this.

pizzaHeart · 13/08/2024 19:57

TomatoSandwiches · 13/08/2024 17:43

She's not even asking she's telling them she's invited so and so round.

She can do what she likes in her own home but it's rude to take liberties like this with someone else's home.

Why can't she just invite her friends round to her home on days she's not supposed to be looking after the children? She should be making the most of the time she has with them.

This^
And she is not doing favour specifically to OP, she does they me “favour” to her own son and works on her relationship with grandkids. It might come really handy later by the way.
I absolutely won’t be happy with this and tell her not to do it. I would be ready to make a huge fuss.
My Mum did similar thing once - promised my cousin to stay in my house. She had to un invite her after my very angry call and she never did it again.

saraclara · 13/08/2024 20:01

My Mum did similar thing once - promised my cousin to stay in my house

That's not remotely similar

moderndilemma · 13/08/2024 20:39

I was the MIL in this situation. I reduced my own time at work to provide childcare 2 days per week. tbh in my late fifties (albeit fit and healthy) I found it hard, and lonely. Of course I was more exhausted by two young kids than I had been in my 30s, I couldn't race off in 2 directions at once in the park, or climb with one child on the climbing frame whilst simultaneously grappling with a wriggling toddler. I wasn't part of any local Mums groups and when I did go to play events the young Mums all ignored me.

I had a longstanding friend who lived a couple of miles away and sometimes she came over for coffee or lunch. It was a godsend. Some adult company and another pair of adult eyes and hands. I'd know this friend for years before my dc were born, she'd babysat for my dc over the years (and given half a chance would have babysat for my dgc).

But DIL (who had met her a few times) didn't like that arrangement and I was told that I wasn't to invite my friends to her house.

I sucked it up but it made me feel like (unpaid) hired help with rules to follow, rather than part of an extended family where we were all doing our best to help each other out.

moderndilemma · 13/08/2024 20:45

Why can't she just invite her friends round to her home on days she's not supposed to be looking after the children? She should be making the most of the time she has with them.

'Making the most of the time she has with them' implies that every second with the dear grandchildren is a moment of delight. I can tell you it isn't. And I think most parents would agree. There are times when you would do anything for a chance to go to the toilet alone, or to have eyes in the back of your head.

Far from the coffee or lunch date being a time when the dgc are ignored while the old dears gossip and drink sherry, it may be a time when there is additional adult support and attention.

readingmakesmehappy · 13/08/2024 20:46

If she's chatting to a friend then she's not looking after your kids is she? I would not be happy with this at all.

moderndilemma · 13/08/2024 20:50

readingmakesmehappy · 13/08/2024 20:46

If she's chatting to a friend then she's not looking after your kids is she? I would not be happy with this at all.

Do you never meet your friends for a coffee and a chat while you're looking after your children?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2024 20:51

Marseillaise · 13/08/2024 17:33

Do you have to clear it with your husband every time you invite someone into your house when he's not there? If my husband tried to impose that rule, he'd get pretty short shrift.

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That's not even remotely the same scenario. It's not the op having guests, it's the MIL having people in the op's home, people the op doesn't even know. The husband absolutely needs op's agreement to have these people in their home and around their child.

Babychewtoy · 13/08/2024 20:55

I do think it’s weird to invite people and host them at your house.

If she was looking after them at her own house then it would be no problem at all.

For me it’s not about being distracted from DC etc, it’s just weird to invite people to someone else’s house without asking them.

shampooing · 13/08/2024 20:56

tedgran · 13/08/2024 17:40

Really? I used to look after my three grandchildren when my DD and SiL were away, the two older ones were at school, so I was looking after the youngest on my own.I had lived in the area previously, so I asked a friend over for coffee. It would never have occurred to me that I was out of order. DD was completely fine with it.

I wonder if your SiL was also fine with it.

I wouldn’t like it but then DH also wouldn’t leave his mother in our home without one of us there. It’s totally the kind of thing I can see her doing.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2024 20:58

moderndilemma · 13/08/2024 20:39

I was the MIL in this situation. I reduced my own time at work to provide childcare 2 days per week. tbh in my late fifties (albeit fit and healthy) I found it hard, and lonely. Of course I was more exhausted by two young kids than I had been in my 30s, I couldn't race off in 2 directions at once in the park, or climb with one child on the climbing frame whilst simultaneously grappling with a wriggling toddler. I wasn't part of any local Mums groups and when I did go to play events the young Mums all ignored me.

I had a longstanding friend who lived a couple of miles away and sometimes she came over for coffee or lunch. It was a godsend. Some adult company and another pair of adult eyes and hands. I'd know this friend for years before my dc were born, she'd babysat for my dc over the years (and given half a chance would have babysat for my dgc).

But DIL (who had met her a few times) didn't like that arrangement and I was told that I wasn't to invite my friends to her house.

I sucked it up but it made me feel like (unpaid) hired help with rules to follow, rather than part of an extended family where we were all doing our best to help each other out.

You were lonely providing childcare two days a week?

It is completely unreasonable for you to expect to be able to treat your son and daughter-in-law's home like your home. If you don't respect their wishes regarding their home, and if you feel that being a grandparent classifies you as unpaid help, don't babysit. No one is forcing you to. If you had this friend over without asking, did you really think that would go over well? It's totally disrespectful.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/08/2024 21:06

moderndilemma · 13/08/2024 20:45

Why can't she just invite her friends round to her home on days she's not supposed to be looking after the children? She should be making the most of the time she has with them.

'Making the most of the time she has with them' implies that every second with the dear grandchildren is a moment of delight. I can tell you it isn't. And I think most parents would agree. There are times when you would do anything for a chance to go to the toilet alone, or to have eyes in the back of your head.

Far from the coffee or lunch date being a time when the dgc are ignored while the old dears gossip and drink sherry, it may be a time when there is additional adult support and attention.

If so, then the parents of said children need to approve of who the MIL is roping in to help at their house not just announcing some random person the op has no clue about will be hosted today.

You don't invite people to anyone's house without their agreement MIL or not.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/08/2024 21:08

If someone invited me over to a house they were babysitting in I'd ask if the homeowners knew first and were ok with it.

I'd be mortified to know I was in someone else's house without permission given.

selldonaterecycle · 13/08/2024 21:11

I would imagine she wants to show off her GCs to her friends. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if MIL was doing childcare in her home and invited friends round there so I'm not sure I agree with your 'strangers around my children' comment. If you have any doubts at all about MILs competence in safeguarding your children and exposing them to dangerous people then you surely wouldn't be agreeing for her to look after your DCs at all.
I think your dislike of her is clouding your judgement on this matter.

ThinWomansBrain · 13/08/2024 21:14

they're old friends of hers known to DH - it's not as if she's inviting a stream of randoms she's met online dating.

selldonaterecycle · 13/08/2024 21:16

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2024 20:58

You were lonely providing childcare two days a week?

It is completely unreasonable for you to expect to be able to treat your son and daughter-in-law's home like your home. If you don't respect their wishes regarding their home, and if you feel that being a grandparent classifies you as unpaid help, don't babysit. No one is forcing you to. If you had this friend over without asking, did you really think that would go over well? It's totally disrespectful.

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Wow this response is very harsh. Why are you being so horrible to this poster who I think has honestly opened up on the demands of looking after GCs. I totally get what she means - it's hard work and yes I can also see how it would be lonely especially if your efforts to fit in to baby groups etc is ignored by young Mums.
I hope you get the change to be a GP someday @Aquamarine1029 to experience the joys of GCs but remember this comment when you're having a hard day.
Be kind.