Neighbours Autistic daughter

[Ashellwithin]

Good evening all,

I was recommended to seek advice on this forum by a friend. If anyone could advise, I would be very much appreciative.

I have been living in my flat for the past 12 years. During the first few years, we have had to deal with my neighbour's daughter horrific meltdowns (e.g., jumping on the floor, crying). She was 4 or 5 years old at the time and although I did complain to our Local Housing officer about this, I didn't take this any further as she was quite young and did not think it would be taken seriously. Plus, the meltdowns seemed to had settled during the years.

However, now that my neighbour's daughter is a teen, the meltdowns have started all over again and they are much worse. She will curse, shout, bang, throw things, slams doors, runs up and down. She is very loud! On those days where it has gotten too much, I have regrettably shouted to "Keep the noise down!", on a few occasions. But the noise was really grating me.

The neighbour (mum) struggles to calm down her daughter and often takes her out of the house for long periods of duration or I will see them both wandering in the streets (around midnight!). I have also seen quite a few professionals (I'm assuming as they have lanyards) come in and out of her flat which I take is to support the neighbour's daughter. So I do think the neighbour is trying to support her daughter the best way she can. However, the noise is unbearable and I can no longer take it. I have made a formal complaint to the council about the noise and have recorded the daughter's meltdowns as evidence.

Since then, a mediation meeting between the neighbour and I to resolve the matter. The meeting has not taken place yet as the neighbour always has something going on (so wondering if she is avoiding this). But I'm hoping to move to a new property or secretly wishing that they will kick out the neighbours and move them elsewhere.

Other than that, what else can I do? This is taken a toll on my mental health.

You can't do anything I'm afraid. I'm the hated neighbour in my case, if I could stop my child's meltdowns I would. I've asked for help for a decade, the house is destroyed and I've been injured. Their is very little help.
However, the other family should be housed in a house with a garden as that will help the daughter a bit. Mine calms down in a hammock or watching bugs.

It's really difficult for all involved but I think this would test even the most compassionate neighbours to the limit. The accommodation doesn't meet her needs and you shouldn't have to live with this level of noise, so I would continue to complain....

‘I suffer horribly from my autistic DC therefore you will suffer horribly too.’

OP, these posts are illuminating but not helpful.

Are you asking for soundproofing for both flats or to be rehoused or for them to be rehoused?

Mediation is about trying to find a resolution, they won't want to move anyone, they will want some kind of agreement. The mediation is about what you both do not what they (the housing association) do.
But I can see this from both sides, as we have an autistic child (now adult) who had the most horrendous meltdowns, and we had a neighbour who was very similar (recently, when all children have grown up and left home), and the noise is very grating, but I felt the most sincere empathy for this neighbour and their DD, it really sounds so distressing to have those meltdowns and the parents don't know what to do.
We realised that we had outgrown the house, if we had children we would not have noticed the noise as much, so we sold and moved on, to somewhere more appropriate that suits us at our stage of life. It is worse here though for many other reasons, but that is another story for another day...!
I think in your position and if you don't have that option, you will have to just outline the issues for you and get some very good ear protection. If you are in social housing you might have a long wait to swap or be moved

Good luck getting rehoused in London!

Never going to happen. All your doing is stressing the poor mother out even more!

Move! It isn't her fault

From my own experience, they will visit the flat and possible do a decibel test (useless!). They will check the mum has the correct flooring down, which is carpet and underlay. If she doesn't they'll make her put it down. This will probably make absolutely no difference to the noise you are having to put up with but the council will have been seen to do the 'right thing' and then they'll wash their hands of it.

I put up with extreme noise from the flat above for way longer than I should have and it actually makes you crazy. I think it's also extremely bad for your health to be subjected to that level of disturbance regularly over a long period of time.

My sincere advice would be to move somewhere else. There might be a slight chance the council would consider moving your neighbours but I think that's unlikely even if the mum was onboard.

Exactly, as yet no one has said the mum had it easy. It’s a difficult situation all round. But the neighbours child can’t be put ahead of everybody in the vicinity. Other people are allowed their own lives and challenges e.g. illness, caring responsibilities, shift work, bereavement, their own neurodiversities etc. Which don’t lend themselves well to endless noise from a neighbour

Would the noise be less apparent if they were in a ground floor flat? Could you swop?

What’s your relationship like with the neighbour? I think I would try to sit down for a chat and say that I had noticed her daughter’s distress increasing again, that I could absolutely see she was doing all she could, the noise was affecting my mental health and i’m sure hers too (and the daughter) so could you work together to try and put pressure on the council to help, then lay out some ideas ie ask for better soundproofing in both flats, ask for one of you to be rehoused, ask for more respite for her daughter etc- if you can try and join forces you can then together make it more the council’s problem?

Aren’t you lucky your life is so perfect
do you have kids?
of friends with kids
I hope one of them doesn’t have an autistic child and gets treated like this by ignoramuses like you .

I agree and am sure the op is not unsympathetic but it must be awful.

The woman and her daughter will not be evicted, the housing association may find them more suitable accommodation.

I think it's appalling that properties are built with such thin walls, I would hate to hear neighbours through the walls and wouldn't like them hearing me. I have lived somewhere like that and it was dreadful.

It seems unfair that a 'mediation meeting' is required, I'd have thought the landlords could investigate this without saying anything about who had complained. What on earth can these two women say to each other at such a meeting/. I can imagine them both being in tears.

I do wish you all the best, op, and your neighbours.

The council have the option to move them to an appropriate house. Not a flat. An older terraced type accommodation, where the walls are thicker maybe. Sad for the mum, but no-—one should have to put up with that level disruption on a daily basis. And if you move the next person will probably experience the same issues as you. The council need to act to help both of you, not one person at the expense of the other.

I don't think that this is the case though, that neighbours child should have any preferential treatment, but it is what it is, I mean what if there is nothing else to do? presumably the mother sounds like she is doing everything she can and is probably exhausted, but as a mother of a (now adult) who had these issues AND having more recently had a neighbour with the same issues, I am afraid I just feel 'such is life',

I think you've been treated really badly on here, OP. Being a good neighbour involves taking into account the lives and needs of those living around you and it's absolutely not acceptable that you or anyone else should just be expected to live with the kind of noise that no one else would volunteer for. The child and her mother deserve better help and support but you deserve to live in conditions that don't jeopardise your mental health.

It’s very tough isn’t it?

The other risk is that the mother will end up relinquishing the daughter to social services, as there is nothing she can further do to reduce the noise and it seems she has tried everything.

@Ashellwithin you do realise that your neighbour can make a counter complaint about your screaming at her disabled dd through the ceiling and wilfully exasperating her dds autistic meltdowns and in that case you could be the 1 who gets evicted

If this is a block of flats, do you know if any of the other tenants are affected just like you are? Maybe it is the way your flats are situated that affects you more.

TBH I have sympathy for both sides in this, and I don't know what the solution is. Sorry to be so unhelpful.

And you think a person should have to put up with this level of noise and disruption Every. Single. Day? Would you? That’s another level of entitlement to think someone should have to put up and shut up in this situation.

Wouldn't they have suggested sound proofing in the first place? I'm not sure if sound proofing is all that cracked up to be.

Whilst I sympathise, what exactly do you think she can do? It’s not as if the mum enjoys the noise herself, is it?

My sister’s daughter is the same, and my sister has very little life because of it.

Please don’t make this mums life harder- ask to move yourself.

Oh give over. Would you honestly be OK with anti-social noise, screaming, banging etc at all times and lasting for long periods for many years? It is not the OP's fault this child is autistic and yet she has suffered for years as a result. The mum and daughter should never have been housed in an upper floor flat.

Everybody has a right to peace. It's bullshit like yours that stops people getting help. Instead of pressure being put on the government, local authorities etc it is seen as ok to all but torture someone under the guise of inclusion.

It doesn't sound like there's much more the mum can do, so it seems like the best thing you can do is try and find a way to move. But you're not unreasonable for struggling with being impacted by this.

All the 'think of the poor mum' comments are disingenuous to me. The OP has tried to be understanding, and is still really struggling - yes, the mum probably has a very tough job, most likely tougher than the OP and I'm sure she would rather she wasn't coping with that situation.

But the OP is also being impacted, and has a right to live free from something that is impacting her mental health. There's a reason noise is used as a torture method.

The problem with the OP moving is that the person who takes her flat then has to suffer.