Neighbours Autistic daughter

[Ashellwithin]

Good evening all,

I was recommended to seek advice on this forum by a friend. If anyone could advise, I would be very much appreciative.

I have been living in my flat for the past 12 years. During the first few years, we have had to deal with my neighbour's daughter horrific meltdowns (e.g., jumping on the floor, crying). She was 4 or 5 years old at the time and although I did complain to our Local Housing officer about this, I didn't take this any further as she was quite young and did not think it would be taken seriously. Plus, the meltdowns seemed to had settled during the years.

However, now that my neighbour's daughter is a teen, the meltdowns have started all over again and they are much worse. She will curse, shout, bang, throw things, slams doors, runs up and down. She is very loud! On those days where it has gotten too much, I have regrettably shouted to "Keep the noise down!", on a few occasions. But the noise was really grating me.

The neighbour (mum) struggles to calm down her daughter and often takes her out of the house for long periods of duration or I will see them both wandering in the streets (around midnight!). I have also seen quite a few professionals (I'm assuming as they have lanyards) come in and out of her flat which I take is to support the neighbour's daughter. So I do think the neighbour is trying to support her daughter the best way she can. However, the noise is unbearable and I can no longer take it. I have made a formal complaint to the council about the noise and have recorded the daughter's meltdowns as evidence.

Since then, a mediation meeting between the neighbour and I to resolve the matter. The meeting has not taken place yet as the neighbour always has something going on (so wondering if she is avoiding this). But I'm hoping to move to a new property or secretly wishing that they will kick out the neighbours and move them elsewhere.

Other than that, what else can I do? This is taken a toll on my mental health.

I just want to say to all the posters saying about the mother and rehousing and "what about OPs mental health", that I am now in a situation of living in an above floor flat with children including one with suspected ADHD, and I can tell you that the impact on that mother's MY and wellbeing will be worst of all.

My mental health is on the floor. Several agencies have provided evidence that the situation is untenable for me and my children, I am pushing and pushing the council, begging for help, but it is still much more likely than not that they will not help me. The irony is we were moved here for safety because our previous lovely little home was overtaken by drug and gang activity by the adjoining flat.

Our situation is a bit different as our downstairs neighbour has been a nasty, miserable, vile person from day one.

That mum in the flat will be acutely affected by her living situation and the immense amount of extra pressure and tension caused by having a noisy child in an upper floor flat. But at the end of the day, her priority has to be her child and trying to parent her properly has to come above everything else. That doesn't mean she isn't doing as much as she can to mitigate; I'm that mum who is dragging her son around in a wagon until after everyone else's bedtime to be as quiet as possible. I know intimately how awful this life is and I would give anything to be moved elsewhere.

@SilverDoe like I've repeatedly said, I get it. I have a child with ADHD and it woukd be 5 million times worse for me if I lived in a flat. Because not only would I be dealing with what I already do, I'd also now have the added worry of the flat occupants. Just so many people on this thread are having a dig at the OP saying she should be more understanding. The point I'm making is why does that only work one way?

It doesn't, however when the op is actively making the situation worse by screaming at a disabled child when their having a meltdown, has admitted that she has had many quiet years from her neighbours yet her own NT teenage son was an antisocial noisy nuisance at age 16 and has no shame in saying that she wants a disabled child to be evicted because of her disability and been quite nasty about it too, it's really not surprising that the op is getting very little sympathy and the amount of push back she's getting should be expected.

This. The OP I actively antagonising a distressed disabled teenager and a parent who is likely already massively struggling to cope with something significantly worse then having to put up with some noise . The OP does not come across well in this thread

The distressed disabled child is repeatedly othered in this thread. The whole thread is about the OP and the mother with the child being some big nuance to all despite the fact that the teenager her sounds very distressed with likely trauma from her absent abusive dad, probably suicidal judging by the people with lanyards being out. There is a child at the centre of this who should be prioritised because this is this teenagers formative years and how this is handled could define her life. (Not downplaying how traumatic what the mum is experiencing is just that I have noticed this whole thread is about OP and the Mum with people actively talking about how the teenager should be removed and shoved in a home away from their family because she is inconveniencing neighbours)

Has the OP even tried the noise canceling headphones suggestion as I have read the replies and can't see where she says she has tried that and it hasn't helped?

So op your neighbours were patient kind and giving when you normal child was just being a shitty teenager? But now your through it, all okay. Forget it? Ermmm double fucking standards much.
And these neighbours have seemingly as you've said been patient kind and give g towards this lady and her child. For over a decade.
Deal with it. Like she is(isnt) like ypur other neighbours are. And maybe with a slight more empathy and awareness. And a smidgen less hypocritical thinking.nor doesn't that not count because she is Nd. And her meltdowns her more bothersome,rant like, disgusting because of that?
Anything you are feeling is zero on the scale of what this woman is. And from what you've described this mum has done this,on her own, fleeing an abusive ex for 12 years. It's worsening. My god she deserves a medal. Onto of that she has been put the house theoguh shame to give ypu all a break at midnight.
Trust me. People with Nd or mentally ill children are ALWAYS aware. And always carry that shame. Guilt. Weight.
But there is literally nothing she can do.
And no, not as a previous ignorant poster said of methods and pills. Haha. Or another poster who wants all nd or ill kids to be sent to the chambers, asylums uhum fields in the country? Because that way they won't disturb
My god are you all okay!?
Yes I have soooo much sympathy. Of course
But the two can go together but then zero sympathy for the antagonistic and misery you are now reaping on her.
The possible letter or fear of being evicted. Tenant talks and paranoid over who's saying what.
What is ypur end goal. For her to move.
What if your next neighbour is a drug addivt. Or young adults partying til dawn.
Would you find it so easy to swave a torrent of complaint and ignorant comments at them. Ir would that be somehow acceptable because it's not tantrums?
And all those people saying I'm on ops side and IIIIII have an asd child 🙄 ugh. Poor child.

She literally can't do anything else.
And if she could go somewhere( as you've said impossible place in London where you live) then I'm sure she would've thought of that long before you did.
And please stop bating her child. It's jot fair.
This girl might get worse. Or live like this forever. With her mum doing everything under the sun to aid and care and love her. Give her a break. Get some ear defenders. Be angry. Swear under ypur breathe. Be irrate and tired. It's nothing. Not even on the scale of what those two are fighting daily todwther.

And nooooooo this doesn't mean I have nonsympathy for the dead weight ypu feel whe tired. But that doesn't excuse this.

Sorry, I did forget to mention that the reason my anxiety has become an acute issue, is because when you are dealing with a meltdown, the absolutely last thing you need, which makes things a thousand times worse, is somebody banging and shouting at you and your child.

My poor son is only 6 years old. He has displayed such sad and upsetting behaviours, had terrible violent meltdowns that he never had before, and it is directly caused and worsened by the anxiety caused by our neighbour banging on the walls and screaming and shouting at him when he is already upset. Antagonising a child who is already suffering, who has ND, and the poor parent who is now left pulled in 2 impossibly different directions, it is just so unfair.

By all means keep pushing with the council and other agencies, but OP needs to be aware how damaging her retaliatory behaviour is. It's not like these are a bunch of teenagers having a loud party. It's a disabled child already struggling to manage.

If my neighbour had instead directed her animosity and channelled it into just constantly complaining, I would have been able to use that information to support our case that our housing was unsuitable for a family of 5 with an ND child.

As it stands, my mental health is on the floor, she is putting herself at very real risk of being evicted herself for behaving like an unhinged stalker and harasser, and I now have no empathy whatsoever for her so will not put myself out so much to mitigate. I know you're nowhere near as bad is my neighbour who is horrible and already known to the police for this kind of behaviour, but still, just a warning that if you do react in such an unkind manner, you can't expect to have any understanding and empathy reciprocated by the mother in this situation.

I do get upset too with the attitude that the OP should not have to do anything at all to mitigate the impact on herself.

If you live in a block of flats especially, or live anywhere near other people generally, you do have to accept that you will likely hear the sound of other people living their lives.

A right to reasonable enjoyment of your home sets out what you can reasonably do. It doesn't mandate what others have to give you or offer you, unless you are into the territory of actual ASB.

@SilverDoe to be honest I've been in favour of the OP all the way through the thread, and I have a child with ADHD who goes through this so I understand. However, I have only just seen the last comment from OP where she basically says she doesn't give a fuck about the Mum. Until then, I dont think the OP had been nasty like you say. She sounded like someone at the end of their tether and wondering how this situation can be resolved. But yeah, that one liner of how she doesn't care about how the Mum feels, she's lost my support now anyway. Long may the noise continue.

I understand. I see how you interpreted the OP; as someone who is suffering this I could pick up on the tone straight away, especially when she mentioned the shouting; people always minimise their own behaviour in these situations unfortunately, but people who have seen this play out or been in this situation can clock those things that go unsaid and then eventually, as you've seen, the mask does slip!

@Flopsythebunny I hope your neighbours get the help and support they deserve. I hope you have carried something with you from this thread and will change your behaviour.

@SilverDoe yeah even the little shout through the wall I didn't see as a problem. It wasn't screaming and shouting at the child, it wasn't described like that anyway. But yeah the mask has slipped now, and it's not a nice sight.