Neighbours Autistic daughter

[Ashellwithin]

Good evening all,

I was recommended to seek advice on this forum by a friend. If anyone could advise, I would be very much appreciative.

I have been living in my flat for the past 12 years. During the first few years, we have had to deal with my neighbour's daughter horrific meltdowns (e.g., jumping on the floor, crying). She was 4 or 5 years old at the time and although I did complain to our Local Housing officer about this, I didn't take this any further as she was quite young and did not think it would be taken seriously. Plus, the meltdowns seemed to had settled during the years.

However, now that my neighbour's daughter is a teen, the meltdowns have started all over again and they are much worse. She will curse, shout, bang, throw things, slams doors, runs up and down. She is very loud! On those days where it has gotten too much, I have regrettably shouted to "Keep the noise down!", on a few occasions. But the noise was really grating me.

The neighbour (mum) struggles to calm down her daughter and often takes her out of the house for long periods of duration or I will see them both wandering in the streets (around midnight!). I have also seen quite a few professionals (I'm assuming as they have lanyards) come in and out of her flat which I take is to support the neighbour's daughter. So I do think the neighbour is trying to support her daughter the best way she can. However, the noise is unbearable and I can no longer take it. I have made a formal complaint to the council about the noise and have recorded the daughter's meltdowns as evidence.

Since then, a mediation meeting between the neighbour and I to resolve the matter. The meeting has not taken place yet as the neighbour always has something going on (so wondering if she is avoiding this). But I'm hoping to move to a new property or secretly wishing that they will kick out the neighbours and move them elsewhere.

Other than that, what else can I do? This is taken a toll on my mental health.

It is difficult as OP is open to moving house, but as she is in council property - she can't just up and go.
As horrid as it is complaining about the symptoms of some one's disability is, it could be the only way OP can be taken seriously and be offered somewhere else to live.

My comment was about the physical safety and physical risk to neighbours presented in these two situations, teenager having a meltdown in her home and mentally ill man harassing neighbours. The safety of people in a coffee shop and a nine year old have absolutely nothing to do with this situation. You are just making some loose point about autistic people being a risk to others.

The ableism in this thread is terrible.

Whilst this is true, and I appreciate typing move house is a lot easier then just doing it alot of the time, that doesn't change that the OP working out how to change her situation and move house is really the only thing she can do in this situation. She has also said that it's being going on on and off for 12 years, so really thats quite a lot of time to consider how you may possibly move house if the situation gets worse or doesn't change and you don't want to deal with it anymore.

She can just up and go though that's the point, if she wants to move then she can pick up the expense and move, theres no soical housing seems like her only option would be to private rent considering she has ZERO compassion, understanding, common decency...like I could go on but it would take all night. Seems like she just wants a move and will do/say what's needed to get that move, even if that means putting a disabled child at risk of eviction.

Like this has seriously wound me up considering I have an autistic child that has meltdowns, runs round the garden stimming, making noises ect and I cant fathom how the op can say the things she's said, I'm so lucky my neighbours know my child's diagnosis and are understanding and keep their opinions to theirselves and aren't busy bodies.

Seriously though op @Ashellwithin what would you do if it was a child that just screamed and shouted and argued, would that be any different? It was certainly different when it was your son, seemed almost like you thought it was acceptable, like a tantrum was equivalent to a meltdown (which its not by the way) but you were very lucky nobody complained. It comes across you have a problem with the child and I don't think its the noise I think it's the fact she's disabled and you have no understanding around autism so to you the behaviour I'd annoying, I think you need to do some research and get a better understanding, you'd hate it if I was your neighbour because I'd soon be telling you about yourself if you complained about my child's meltdowns/stimmimg

Your theory is good, but in practice it won't make sense for a proportion of people with disabilities. Let me break down what you've said:
"others"
"people"
"noise"
"respect"
"reasonable"
Find one single word that conveys all the concepts on this list. Because I've worked with people who understood the meaning of maybe 2 or 3 words or pictures. They had no idea that they were a person or that others were people. While they might recoil at loud sounds themselves, they don't necessarily get that they make the sound or how they make the sound. You are assuming control which often does not exist. Group homes etc may not be available, or may be distressing for the individual. In theory a different kind of house might be the answer, but in practice I doubt whether "making too much noise" is going to give and fund a "more suitable home" when people with physical disabilities are often put in homes where they can barely safely access toilets or showers. The reality is unless the families happen to be able to afford a detached home in the countryside themselves, there will be no money to make it happen.

Clearly you don't understand asd especially in girls.
The onset of puberty especially in girls with asd causes extreme emotional disregulation resulting in multiple meltdowns often revolving around their cycle which as with all pubescent girls is in itself irregular add to that the massive changes that puberty brings to girls who can't handle changes (due to asd) and you have a perfect storm which creates the nightmare that this poor girl and her mum are enduring, so no she can't just control it nor as you implied is she doing it on purpose

This has been going on for 12 years. It’s not as if it’s been the last few days. OP has reached the end of her tether with it which is her right. She doesn’t have to suck this up and might not be able to. She has her own child to consider as well. Plus possibly other caring responsibilities, work, study etc. The whole block of flats cannot revolve around the neighbours child, life simply doesn’t work like that.

Wrong thread

Wow, are you our neighbour ?😅 I have an autistic son 14 y old who has horrible meltdowns. Sometimes we have to take him in to psychiatric emergency ward. He has calmed down a bit the last year but screaming still happens regularly. Been around to talk to all neighbours obviously. Give tranquiliser in the evening (child psychiatrist prescription) and we TRY to keep him calm but Sometimes he goes bonkers and there is nothing we can do but closing all windows and try to calm him down.
Luckily we own our apartment so can't get evicted and it's never night time but I do feel for the neighbours below us (top floor) but there is nothing more we can do. But if someone screamed to be quiet that would stress me out even more as I'm already doing everything I can to keep him calm...
I do understand your frustration but have some empathy for the mother and the child. I have had dark moments when I just thought we should end our lives because it's been hell for him and me. You have to live it to believe it, it's really really tough.

It's absolutely insane that people say OP should have empathy for the mum and so needs to just accept it or move. There is no way anyone would be ok living next door to this situation year after year, and if you think you could, you are lucky to never have dealt with noisy neighbours, it becomes so stressful that the one place you should be able to enjoy, your home, becomes unbearable. The mums life soubds like hell, which we wouldn't wish on anyone, but have empathy for OP who has done nothing. And be honest, you wouldn't want to live there either.

The OP also has my empathy here. I cannot function or rest with ongoing noise from neighbours. There is no doubt this is extremely challenging for the mum of the daughter but the OP should not be attacked for trying to improve her own quality of life after living through some challenging times. I cant answer the OP questions but Id encourage speaking to the mum - does she want moved/need support from neighbour re evidence/impact. All the best - I could not live with the noise.

There is no way anyone would be ok living next door to this situation year after year

I agree, but that's why you've got to look at what realistically can be done.

That is that the OP can make adjustments within her own home and life which are things she can control or she can start the moving process. The OP cannot control what the other family do, and she can't make the council move this family on into other suitable accommodation as the simple truth is there is not anywhere suitable and the council will not evict a disabled person for being disabled.

It's no good saying it's not fair why should the OP move when the answer to that is that she's responsible for her own happiness and if she can't curate that where she is, she needs to move. While ever she's in the social housing trap she is not going to be able to choose her neighbours or accomodation because there's not enough to go around.

If private renting isn't an option then the only option left is personal sensory aids like earplugs and white noise machines which OP can do anyway in the meantime to protect her own mental fortitude.

the council need to move the woman and her daughter somewhere more suitable. A ground floor flat, or better, a house so she disturbs fewer people.
failing that noise insulation for OPs flat.

" But I frankly do not care what the mother is going through (though I am sympathetic)."
Not quite sure how you can't care and be sympathetic at the same time OP.🤔

or - I dunno - a camp, somewhere? Out of sight, out of mind, eh?

Grumpy12345 people like you, manifesting massive lack of understanding, empathy and decency, and showing ignorance of the social care disaster in this country now, are one of the things that keep me up at night (along with my son, on occasion). When I and my husband die, if people with attitudes like yours are in charge of people like my son, I am frankly terrified for him and other adults and children with severe autism and/or LDs.

Exactly op lacks empathy, this is the issue.

OP, it was fine when your child was screaming and arguing and luckily no one complained. Your child can control their noise at their big age of 16. This poor girl can't - you should do well to remember that. Did you walk the streets with your son at midnight to calm him down and make sure your neighbours weren't disturbed? Didn't think so.

I hope you don't get moved, and they move the mother and daughter to a lovely detached home away from judgy, horrible people like you. And you get new neighbours that 10x worse, making noise just for the sake of it - a bit like your child. Then you will get what a noise disturbance really is. I hope you come to realise not everything is handed to you in a plate.

People like you and others on here making excuses for you, and the situation that you have PURPOSELY put the mother through to get a new council place, is the main reason I have worked my arse off for the last few years, to buy a house so no one can complain about my autistic child and their noise.

You should've saved in the 12 years you have 'had to put up with it' instead of relying on the council to house you and then moan and complain about the neighbours autistic child making noise 1 which she cannot control. Vile. You have gone about it the wrong way.

You hope they get evicted because the child has a disability, really? You know that there is no off button here. Have you thought how hard it must be for the mum. I do understand that it is stressful but that is life. If you live in a block if flats, chances are that, shock, horror, some neighbours may have disabilities.

If you don't wanna live near people with extra needs that may impact you, move into a house in the stick of the woods. Problem sorted.

So do I. But do you live in a flat where its intense for the neighbours? The family shouldn't live there, this is what the mother should be pushing for so they can be housed elsewhere. I have an autistic child, I go through all of this. I'd be mortified living in a flat knowing it was so disturbing to everyone around us.

They live in London in social housing, which is few and far between ,yes it would be great if everybody, s housing was suitable but we don't live in an ideal world
As you should be aware the autism spectrum is huge and some people on it will have no control over their actions and how they impact others.

Fully agree with you. However, this situation is also totally unfair on OP.

Agree. Support her in trying to convince the Council that they need to be housing her in accommodation more suitable for the condition as a reasonable adjustment

If the council could/would give the mother and child a nice detached house with ample space that would be amazing. However when you read stories of disabled people who have to do their stuff on a COMMODE in their BEDROOM, because the council have stuck them somewhere where they physically can't get to the toilet, there is little hope that they will find a family somewhere else, because the child's disability means that they can't help inconveniencing the neighbours. Practically, unless the parents have the money to move privately, which presumably they don't, they are stuck where the council puts them. There is not a practical way of changing where the family lives or how the child behaves, bar something random like the family winning the lottery. It sucks for all involved, but it's reality.

Maybe the mother is mortified. Maybe she is pushing to get housed elsewhere but is getting nowhere. We don't know!

To all the people saying that the council/HA should just move them, you clearly haven't got a clue about how difficult it is.
My ds (asd, adhd and other issues) and I are in a 3 bed house and have been on the waiting list to be moved into a suitable 2 bed house or bungalow since my dd move out to uni 5 YEARS AGO!! My council has made it abundantly clear that they need the 3 bed back and we are more than happy to move however they have NO suitable 2 bed homes available and they won't until they build some (their statement) and have no plans to do so for another 4 years (though we will get 1st refusal as ds will never be able to live independently) so we are stuck here. This is not London but a council in Scotland with much shorter waiting lists than London and very few flats but even they don't have enough of the right properties. Oh and before anyone asks yes I've been trying to get a swap but noone who has a suitable 2 bed house or bungalow wants a 3 bed, its a lovely well maintained place with a huge well kept garden that gets lots of interest just not from anyone with a suitable property for us (the council won't let us move to anything other than a house or bungalow, they even blocked a move to a ground floor flat).

Just saying that the council/HA should move them is like a bad joke, I'm sure the mum has been trying to move for years.