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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbours Autistic daughter

361 replies

Ashellwithin · 12/08/2024 21:05

Good evening all,

I was recommended to seek advice on this forum by a friend. If anyone could advise, I would be very much appreciative.

I have been living in my flat for the past 12 years. During the first few years, we have had to deal with my neighbour's daughter horrific meltdowns (e.g., jumping on the floor, crying). She was 4 or 5 years old at the time and although I did complain to our Local Housing officer about this, I didn't take this any further as she was quite young and did not think it would be taken seriously. Plus, the meltdowns seemed to had settled during the years.

However, now that my neighbour's daughter is a teen, the meltdowns have started all over again and they are much worse. She will curse, shout, bang, throw things, slams doors, runs up and down. She is very loud! On those days where it has gotten too much, I have regrettably shouted to "Keep the noise down!", on a few occasions. But the noise was really grating me.

The neighbour (mum) struggles to calm down her daughter and often takes her out of the house for long periods of duration or I will see them both wandering in the streets (around midnight!). I have also seen quite a few professionals (I'm assuming as they have lanyards) come in and out of her flat which I take is to support the neighbour's daughter. So I do think the neighbour is trying to support her daughter the best way she can. However, the noise is unbearable and I can no longer take it. I have made a formal complaint to the council about the noise and have recorded the daughter's meltdowns as evidence.

Since then, a mediation meeting between the neighbour and I to resolve the matter. The meeting has not taken place yet as the neighbour always has something going on Hmm (so wondering if she is avoiding this). But I'm hoping to move to a new property or secretly wishing that they will kick out the neighbours and move them elsewhere.

Other than that, what else can I do? This is taken a toll on my mental health.

OP posts:
Bellsandthistle · 12/08/2024 21:35

ChiCharlie · 12/08/2024 21:18

Not one of the people on here commenting that YABU will be living in a similar situation dealing with such disruption. Its tiring reading the comments.

It’s the “kick out the neighbours” comment from OP for me. 😬 Many of us do know what she’s dealing with, from both sides.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 12/08/2024 21:36

I would go into the mediation with the stance, this mother is clearly doing everything she can, she has a child with a high level of needs. The local authority have not provided accommodation which is suitable for that family, due to the impact the child's condition has on neighbours/local community. Make it clear you are not blaming the family, but it is becoming impossible to live with. I doubt they'll move either of you, but she's got a better chance than you

planAplanB · 12/08/2024 21:36

Your poor neighbour. I bet she is at her wits end trying to support her daughter. Knowing she has pissed her neighbour off is probably exacerbating the situation for her. She's also probably terrified that you are trying to get her and her daughter evicted. We've all had difficult neighbours: you either suck it up or move. I've done both.

Original poster
Ashellwithin · 12/08/2024 21:36

Underwatersally · 12/08/2024 21:35

How is mediation going to help?
She can't exactly negotiate her daughters level of autism and it's associated difficulties.

I mentioned that we have to go through the mediation process when a complaint has been raised.

OP posts:
Nowordsformethanks · 12/08/2024 21:36

One of those situations where you're damned if you do [try to do something, in which case there's really nothing you can do] and damned if you don't [do nothing and bear it].

The only thing you can do is move. That's the only outcome you can control. Otherwise, you'd be waiting ages for them to move - even if they are going to be rehoused, they wouldn't be top priority.

Second option is to get different noise drowning equipments to leave on so as to muffle the sounds even if they don't completely drown the noise.

It's a difficult situation for you (and the mum who seems to be trying).

K37529 · 12/08/2024 21:37

I would try and get yourself moved, there’s no way they will evict them, she is disabled and I assume her mother is doing the best she can. Go to your doctor and tell them that your housing situation is effecting your mental health, get a letter from them and put in for a transfer.

Original poster
Ashellwithin · 12/08/2024 21:37

Roosnoodles · 12/08/2024 21:33

You need to go to a doctor and get a letter referring to how it’s impacting your mental health at least then you’ll be on an even platform as the other family with regard to the housing associations safe guarding. The housing needs to be seen as unfit for them to move you and if it’s affecting your mental health it will be. They may move the other family though as obviously nobody else is going to live under them and they are still a business and need to rent the property.

Thank you. This is good advice. We live in a council property.

OP posts:
MilkyCappuchino · 12/08/2024 21:38

poor you, poor child and poor mother.....I am dead asleep at midnight, cannot imagine to go out even if the world was going to end. Look what this lady is doing.....

Startrekkeruniverse · 12/08/2024 21:38

I feel for you OP. Your neighbour’s disability doesn’t mean you should have to put up with noise all hours of the day and night. It sounds like the mum and daughter need to move somewhere more suited to her disability.

People saying you’re being unreasonable have obviously never had a noisy neighbour, it can be absolute hell and really impact your mental health. But as usual this thread is just a pile on. Poor OP.

SauviGone · 12/08/2024 21:38

Underwatersally · 12/08/2024 21:35

How is mediation going to help?
She can't exactly negotiate her daughters level of autism and it's associated difficulties.

The OP has to do the mediation. It’s a tick box part of the process to hopefully get herself or the neighbour and her daughter moved.

I’m sure everyone involved realises it’s a waste of time but you know… red tape and bureaucracy. This is the bullshit the OP has to go through for anyone to take any notice.

CountingMeIn · 12/08/2024 21:38

If they could find the neighbour a detached house with a large garden it would really help, but I doubt they will do that.

SaintHonoria · 12/08/2024 21:38

It doesn't matter what the cause of the noise is.

The fact is that the op's mental health is suffering as a result of the commotion next door.

She can have all the compassion in the world but it's terribly unfair on her.

As for the suggestion of wearing noise cancelling headphones/ear plugs that's outrageous! Why should she?

The family should be housed somewhere where the rooms are soundproofed or in a detached property.

Startrekkeruniverse · 12/08/2024 21:39

SaintHonoria · 12/08/2024 21:38

It doesn't matter what the cause of the noise is.

The fact is that the op's mental health is suffering as a result of the commotion next door.

She can have all the compassion in the world but it's terribly unfair on her.

As for the suggestion of wearing noise cancelling headphones/ear plugs that's outrageous! Why should she?

The family should be housed somewhere where the rooms are soundproofed or in a detached property.

Exactly.

Onehotday · 12/08/2024 21:39

OP is entitled to a reasonable quality of life. It's not fair that she has to suffer this. I would ask to be moved if I were you.

PoopedAndScooped · 12/08/2024 21:39

WOW !

You are actively trying to get them evicted

YOU MOVE !!!!

Atethehalloweenchocs · 12/08/2024 21:40

LakieLady · 12/08/2024 21:11

Yep, what @NuffSaidSam said.

The child can't help it, and there is little more that her mother can do, by the sound of it. The child has a disabling condition that makes it impossible for her to control her behaviour.

I'm sure the child's mother finds it tougher to deal with than you do having to hear it, tbh.

It is possible that, as much as the girl cant help it, this is an intolerable situation for her, her mother AND for OP. All of those things can be true at the same time. It does not mean it is ok for OP to have to be disrupted all the time. Hopefully it can bring some more help in for the family.

Startrekkeruniverse · 12/08/2024 21:40

Bellsandthistle · 12/08/2024 21:13

I’m not sure you can have someone evicted due to their disability, as difficult as it is for YOU. 🙄

Disability doesn’t trump OP’s right to a life without unbearable noise. There isn’t a right or wrong side here it’s just that these living arrangements clearly aren’t working.

Maddy70 · 12/08/2024 21:40

Its super difficult isnt it. Autistic meltdowns are so difficult to navigate but you too are entitled to a peaceful home life. Yabu and I'm sure you empathise with a struggling mum trying to do her best

Raising this also might help her access desperately needed support as this will give her evidence of the type of support she needs at home so don't feel too bad

Decaffeinatedplease · 12/08/2024 21:41

We lived next door to a similar situation but with an adult. They also shouted extremely inappropriate things. One person in our house was very ill and sensitive to noise, the noise didn't bother me. We did move ourselves in the end, not just for that reason, but it is peaceful where we are now in comparison, even though it's on a busy road and there's traffic all day long.

There are no winners in these situations.

Viviennemary · 12/08/2024 21:41

It's awful for everyone. But the situation needs to be resolved. You should request a move.

3WildOnes · 12/08/2024 21:41

No one can really answer your question as we don't know the area that you live in. If you live in an area with plenty of council housing then they will probably try and move them to a ground floor flat or small house. If you live in London or somewhere else with long council waiting lists then the best they will offer you is that you can move into temporary accommodation which would be significantly worse. Where do you live?

CyanFawn · 12/08/2024 21:41

I think you should take your judgemental self and move if you don't like it!!!! Trying to get a family with a disabled child moved because you don't like the noise, have you ever seen a child have a meltdown like actually witnessed it my sons autistic and when he has a meltdown he hits himself, scratches himself, can't regulate and that's the point here something is obviously wrong in that child's environment that's disregarded them and these meltdowns are their way of expressing this.

I'm so glad my neighbours actually have understanding around my son (who is 14) and his diagnoses and don't complain.

I'd say the mother was avoiding mediation with you, why would she want to sit down with some nosey, judgemental busy body who has ZERO compassion for their child or has even tried to understand their condition.

Autism is all to with brain functioning and affects everything from social skills to sometimes speech, and behavioural difficulties. There's literally NOTHING the mother can do about the noise other than what she's probably already doing!!

Original poster
Ashellwithin · 12/08/2024 21:41

CountingMeIn · 12/08/2024 21:38

If they could find the neighbour a detached house with a large garden it would really help, but I doubt they will do that.

I don't think there is such a thing in London?? Even if there was, I doubt it as it would be highly sought after.

OP posts:
Nowordsformethanks · 12/08/2024 21:41

I've never heard of a council moving residents from a flat to a house because of their children's noise (disability-related).

Detached house with a big garden? A mansion would be nice too. People would soon start lining up for this.

XenoBitch · 12/08/2024 21:42

SaintHonoria · 12/08/2024 21:38

It doesn't matter what the cause of the noise is.

The fact is that the op's mental health is suffering as a result of the commotion next door.

She can have all the compassion in the world but it's terribly unfair on her.

As for the suggestion of wearing noise cancelling headphones/ear plugs that's outrageous! Why should she?

The family should be housed somewhere where the rooms are soundproofed or in a detached property.

This.

The property the mum and her DD is in is not suitable for their needs if the DD's meltdowns etc are impacting on the neighbours.

People saying OP should move... whoever moves in next will have the same problem. They could be ND themselves and really struggle with the noise.