Neighbours Autistic daughter

[Ashellwithin]

Good evening all,

I was recommended to seek advice on this forum by a friend. If anyone could advise, I would be very much appreciative.

I have been living in my flat for the past 12 years. During the first few years, we have had to deal with my neighbour's daughter horrific meltdowns (e.g., jumping on the floor, crying). She was 4 or 5 years old at the time and although I did complain to our Local Housing officer about this, I didn't take this any further as she was quite young and did not think it would be taken seriously. Plus, the meltdowns seemed to had settled during the years.

However, now that my neighbour's daughter is a teen, the meltdowns have started all over again and they are much worse. She will curse, shout, bang, throw things, slams doors, runs up and down. She is very loud! On those days where it has gotten too much, I have regrettably shouted to "Keep the noise down!", on a few occasions. But the noise was really grating me.

The neighbour (mum) struggles to calm down her daughter and often takes her out of the house for long periods of duration or I will see them both wandering in the streets (around midnight!). I have also seen quite a few professionals (I'm assuming as they have lanyards) come in and out of her flat which I take is to support the neighbour's daughter. So I do think the neighbour is trying to support her daughter the best way she can. However, the noise is unbearable and I can no longer take it. I have made a formal complaint to the council about the noise and have recorded the daughter's meltdowns as evidence.

Since then, a mediation meeting between the neighbour and I to resolve the matter. The meeting has not taken place yet as the neighbour always has something going on (so wondering if she is avoiding this). But I'm hoping to move to a new property or secretly wishing that they will kick out the neighbours and move them elsewhere.

Other than that, what else can I do? This is taken a toll on my mental health.

YANBU to find it exhausting but I don't see a world in which they'll move the family.

I feel for you, op but being that mum whose dd has meltdowns like this and who I've been known to pound the streets with at all hours I can tell you her mother is on her knees with stress. I'd rather be the person on your side of the wall, believe me.

That being said, it's impeding on your own wellbeing and so I think you should use the situation to see if you can be moved.

I would go to the GP about your own mental health so that it is documented, and you can push to be moved yourself on that basis, presuming you are a council tenant.

Not sure how you'd get on, as there is a shortage of council housing obviously.

If it is really so unbearable then save up and move to a new flat?

This feels like bad luck rather than a ’complaint’ situation. The girl can’t help it, the mum is trying her best. 🤷‍♀️

I get that it’s also horrendous for you but it is what it is. Earplugs/headphones and/or move.

I'd be delighted being moved to a house because it was more suitable for me and my daughter yes absolutely. I would also be extremely aware of how my DDs meltdowns and actions are having such a big impact on others. Wouldn't you?

This completely......poor woman needs a detached bungalow!!

It’s understandable that the mum doesn’t want to go to a meeting with someone who shouts though the walls at her daughter when she’s already exhausted and has no control over the problem. If you do have the meeting and see her, please be kind and acknowledge that this isn’t her fault.

What I am taking from these comments is that nothing can be done? Even though I have endured this for a number of years now? How likely will they move me or the neighbour?

That's not what being evicted means. You would be responsible for housing yourself.

Good job it doesn't happen like that though.

It does suck. My friend walks the streets at all hours or her adult kid sits on the edge of her bed not letting her sleep. I'm fairly fortunate I don't get that.

I feel for you as I would find that situation very difficult.

Have you seen your GP at all because if he is prepared to write a letter stating that your living conditions are impacting your mental health, that will help your case. Good luck OP.

This. Even if the OP moves, then the next person will have the same issues she does. Housing doesn’t sound that suitable for the neighbours daughter. At present that one person is dominating the OP’s life and right to a quiet life which long term l know l couldn’t tolerate

@ChiCharlie this posts are often like this. It’s a pile on for the OP telling them they are selfish and what about the poor parents etc etc. Never mind it’s shredding the Op mental health and she has to pay to live their

Their = there

There's not a chance in hell they'd put them on the street, and you know that.

You need earplugs. They can't help it for goodness sake

Yeah it's always the way on here, is a joke!

Good job as well really.

I think you’ll have to be clear in the mediation that you do understand how difficult it is for them. This must be a stress that mum really doesn’t need and how are the council going to sort it to help everyone. If she’s walking late at night to try and keep things calm and quiet they’ll be exhausted.
I do understand that it’s extremely difficult for you as well, not an easy one to solve.

I think you need to ask yourself very seriously what you actually expect the mum to do about it? What do you hope to come of the complaint/mediation meeting? What is the outcome you are wanting?

Because there’s no situation where the daughter will just stop. The council is extremely unlikely to evict a disabled child and their family because a neighbour doesn’t like the noise their being disabled causes and ultimately no matter how negatively your mental health is being impacted or quality of life reduced I can guarentee that you’re not even scratching the surface of what that mum is dealing with. Poor woman, what can she do?

I empathise OP.

My next door neighbour family includes a severely autistic boy. Non-verbal, requires a lot of support, makes a lot of noise at times, sometimes violent. He is now a strapping 15 year old and frightening to us at times.

I have no end of sympathy for his parents, and I know the toll that the situation places on them. But just as they didn’t ask for a severely autistic son, we didn’t ask for a severely autistic neighbour. Expressing frustration and worry for us doesn’t reduce the feelings we have for our neighbours.

Recently he has been accepted into a residential school, which the parents are very relieved about as I know that the impact on them and their other children was significant. A happy by-product is that we have less noise and worry as well.

I have no practical advice for you unfortunately OP. Just to say that I understand and don’t think you’re a bad person for expressing displeasure at your situation.

I feel for you OP, it sounds hellish.

The neighbour and her daughter are unsuitably housed and need to be moved to a property where they won’t disturb others.

Unlikely. It would just become the new neighbour’s problem wouldn’t it?

You need to go to a doctor and get a letter referring to how it’s impacting your mental health at least then you’ll be on an even platform as the other family with regard to the housing associations safe guarding. The housing needs to be seen as unfit for them to move you and if it’s affecting your mental health it will be. They may move the other family though as obviously nobody else is going to live under them and they are still a business and need to rent the property.

How horrible for you. If the shrieking’s not the kid’s problem, it sure as hell ain’t yours.

‘She’s disabled’ isn’t an answer, and it certainly isn’t the right answer.

They can’t evict or control disabled neighbours, but they can sort out better flooring and soundproofing or move you. For now, headphones.

My parents had the same problem with neighbours who were into BDSM.

How is mediation going to help?
She can't exactly negotiate her daughters level of autism and it's associated difficulties.