Neighbours Autistic daughter

[Ashellwithin]

Good evening all,

I was recommended to seek advice on this forum by a friend. If anyone could advise, I would be very much appreciative.

I have been living in my flat for the past 12 years. During the first few years, we have had to deal with my neighbour's daughter horrific meltdowns (e.g., jumping on the floor, crying). She was 4 or 5 years old at the time and although I did complain to our Local Housing officer about this, I didn't take this any further as she was quite young and did not think it would be taken seriously. Plus, the meltdowns seemed to had settled during the years.

However, now that my neighbour's daughter is a teen, the meltdowns have started all over again and they are much worse. She will curse, shout, bang, throw things, slams doors, runs up and down. She is very loud! On those days where it has gotten too much, I have regrettably shouted to "Keep the noise down!", on a few occasions. But the noise was really grating me.

The neighbour (mum) struggles to calm down her daughter and often takes her out of the house for long periods of duration or I will see them both wandering in the streets (around midnight!). I have also seen quite a few professionals (I'm assuming as they have lanyards) come in and out of her flat which I take is to support the neighbour's daughter. So I do think the neighbour is trying to support her daughter the best way she can. However, the noise is unbearable and I can no longer take it. I have made a formal complaint to the council about the noise and have recorded the daughter's meltdowns as evidence.

Since then, a mediation meeting between the neighbour and I to resolve the matter. The meeting has not taken place yet as the neighbour always has something going on (so wondering if she is avoiding this). But I'm hoping to move to a new property or secretly wishing that they will kick out the neighbours and move them elsewhere.

Other than that, what else can I do? This is taken a toll on my mental health.

Oh my god some of the comments on this thread!

The mum can be having a horrendous time dealing with her daughter’s meltdowns AND OP’s mental health can be suffering because of the noise. They are not mutually exclusive and both things can be true at the same time.

How does it make OP an ignoramus?? Also where on earth did OP say her life is perfect?? I’m afraid there’s a lot of people projecting on here tonight.

I'm sure it is challenging and miserable. One of the reasons I chose to be childfree is because I'm not the sort of person who can handle a situation like that poor child's mother must.

But ... the OP deserves a peaceful and serene life, too. Guilting her serves no purpose.

Can you do a council house swap?
Or noise cancelling headphones.
If you live in a built up area noise from other families/their pets is likely.
You'll have to weigh up the risk of moving into potentially another noisy flat or an area either way more antisocial issues.
Have you enquired about moving? I have no idea how this works, but I would get the ball rolling if the noise is unbearable.

I don't think you should be trying your best to force your neighbour out of their home. Sounds like they have enough to contend with.

To reinforce what another poster said - good quality noise cancelling headphones really help, especially if you listen to something at the same time.

I agree with a PP, get a letter from the GP outlining how the noise affects you and keep on with the 'complaint' (in quotes as you've acknowledged the child nor the mother is at fault and neither can do much more to prevent the noise so it isn't really a complaint towards them as much as the situation).

It sounds like hell, those saying just put up with it don't be horrible are wild.

Even if that was the case. The neighbours (not many of us) really get on with the mother and would not in a million of years make a complaint.

Flats in the UK are utter crap. Crap soundproofing. Sweat boxes And people having a go at the OP need to read up about housing association protocol and not be so bloody ignorant.

I think it may be you who is the ignoramus here 🙄

Maybe it would be best for this family (or families with similar challenges) to live rurally where there is more room to walk about, etc.

Also one of the reasons im child free. Though ive noticed us with no kids are expected to put up and shut up

I can't see them being rehoused.

Ex-p is currently searching for a council property and when they asked for medical information of all occupants and he explained our son is a high needs autistic adhd very bouncy very loud child they did not care a jot. They didn't care that he still uses a push chair as a mobility and safeguarding aid so needs somewhere that has a lift or is downstairs, they didn't care that he's a vestibular stimmer and NEEDS movement to process his environment and keep him regulated which means he's basically a professional upstairs neighbour already, they didn't care that he's a verbal stimmer and also can not control the tone or pitch that words and sounds come out of his mouth or that his language isn't developed enough to have conversations about being considerate of others needs. They basically approved Ex-P for 1-2 bedroomed houses or flats. Round here all houses are 3 bedrooms and it automatically declines your bid if your profile isn't set up to need that many bedrooms, and all the bottom floor flats state for over 60s or those with mobility needs, and the problem is that my son is extremely mobile.

She and her daughter simply won't be any more entitled to adequate housing any more than any one else.

They won't put them I'm a bungalow as they have no physical disabilities and there is a wait list for specialist housing for the physically disabled who have more need for it. They won't put her in a house if like us there just aren't houses with the appropriate level of rooms, and if social services are involved this child might well have an EHCP which means they might need to stay within a certain distance of their educational provision to still be entitled to it so moving them will be significantly harder.

They also probably won't re house you as there's a housing crisis and you are adequately housed for your needs. They should take mental health seriously but sadly they don't. They will say your mental health is your responsibility.

Yeah, I thought that after I’d posted.

I think perhaps the mum and daughter should be rehoused, but it should be done with sensitivity, not people complaining and stressing her even more.

They definitely won't suggest sound proofing. And as you rightly surmise, it's hit and miss.

You have my sympathies for what you're going through. Mumsnet is not the place to post about noise nuisance. As you can see, most are totally clueless.

In the interim you could try some ear plugs. I used to use Quies wax ones. You can actually mould two together to double up (so two plugs in each ear) and they work incredibly well like that. Best of luck.

I feel for you and of course I feel for the mother of this disruptive child.

Meltdowns are hell to listen to and deal with, but there is medication that can calm those with autism and, these days, lots of preventative methods. I wonder if the mother has resorted to any of these.....

It there any way you could insulate your house against this to soften the noise? Another thing - you say your neighbour always has 'something going on'. That sounds strange. Has she ever spoken to you about this problem? If not, I feel she should.

Treated like what? Isn't OP entitled to try and have some peace in their own home, no? Comments like yours are just pathetic.

That’s truly awful, op, I feel for you. As someone with sound sensitivity. I know what it feels like to be completely frayed and worn down by noise.
try Loops earplugs. They’ve made such a difference in my life and mental health.

other posters trying to pour on the guilt trips just make me roll my eyes. We GET TO protect our peace. It’s essential to health.
we don’t need to endure something awful just because “oh the poor mother. Oh she can’t help the disability”. Those things are true, but are people implying OP needs to suffer because of it?

fuck no. Protect your peace.

Some are saying OP needs to move (why should she and the next people most likely will have similar issues) or she needs to suck it up (again why should she and most likely other neighbours are sick of it). OP is paying to live where she lives, she is not living there for free courtesy of Camden council, Southwark council or a housing association in London. Such is life comes across as one of those things that need to be sucked up. OP doesn’t appear to want to and neither would l. It always costs money to move, where she lives might be convenient for friends / family / work etc. Plus she’s had years of this

How do you expect to solve the matter? I am rather confused as to what you think can be done. You come across quite entitled. This is a child with a severe disability by the sounds of it. If you can’t handle other peoples noise don’t rent. Assuming you can’t help but rent just like the girl can’t help her disability.

I have a child with complex special needs and the OP has a right to live in a home without constant disruptive noise.

What if the OP had autism?

I'm a bit teary at some of the responses here, being so understanding of the OP's neighbour and the level of stress she is likely under, trying to manage her daughter's meltdowns. It's such a relief to know that there are people who get it, and who see the crazy lengths which parents of children with needs like the OP's neighbour's daughter will go to to keep the peace and regulate their DC. To many of us, it's just the water in which we swim, day in and day out, relentlessly ‐frequently judged, ducking and diving and jumping through all manner of hoops just to put one foot in front of the other with our DC. Exhausting.
And as a PP said, it can be simultaneously true that it is also really exhausting for the OP, and that the situation is increasingly untenable.
I very much hope you manage to reach a mutually workable solution.

Hello, I'm the mother of an autistic child, can you please tell me more about the medication that is available to prevent meltdowns in my child? I'd like to know the names, the family group that the medications belong to, the benefits and the side effects and what ages this is appropriate for please?

Also I'd love to hear more about these preventative methods that will prevent meltdowns in children with a sensory and emotional developmental disability? Id love my child to be less emotionally disabled and I have been blaming myself lately for not preventing his disability from disabling him and causing an inconvenience to others.

As the Mum of an autistic young person who has spent the last decade on tender hooks everytime my child had a meltdown I can assure you the Mum is more stressed than you are about it if she is like me.

I spent my life worrying about eviction because of my child's disability. Something we couldn't changed. There is no way they will evict the autistic child and Mum. There will be a huge complaint if they did and disability is legally protected.
They may offer the Mum to move away from you or you can get a medical note to tell housing that the noise is distressing you.

You can have compassion for a neighbour and be driven absolutely insane by noise. At no point has the OP said she is judging anyone’s parenting. She just wants to live her life without constant disturbance.

Of course it’s awful for the neighbour, but it’s her child. It’s not the OP’s. She isn’t under any obligation to put up with this disturbance.

It’s pretty obvious that an upstairs flat is simply not an appropriate living situation for the neighbour and her daughter.

There wouldn't be enough council houses rurally to be able to house the likely thousands of families living in similar situations the the one in the OP. Parents of disabled children are often already isolated due to being unable to work or socialise, if they have any family in London then they won't want to leave and the council can't legally force them to.

This