Neighbours Autistic daughter

[Ashellwithin]

Good evening all,

I was recommended to seek advice on this forum by a friend. If anyone could advise, I would be very much appreciative.

I have been living in my flat for the past 12 years. During the first few years, we have had to deal with my neighbour's daughter horrific meltdowns (e.g., jumping on the floor, crying). She was 4 or 5 years old at the time and although I did complain to our Local Housing officer about this, I didn't take this any further as she was quite young and did not think it would be taken seriously. Plus, the meltdowns seemed to had settled during the years.

However, now that my neighbour's daughter is a teen, the meltdowns have started all over again and they are much worse. She will curse, shout, bang, throw things, slams doors, runs up and down. She is very loud! On those days where it has gotten too much, I have regrettably shouted to "Keep the noise down!", on a few occasions. But the noise was really grating me.

The neighbour (mum) struggles to calm down her daughter and often takes her out of the house for long periods of duration or I will see them both wandering in the streets (around midnight!). I have also seen quite a few professionals (I'm assuming as they have lanyards) come in and out of her flat which I take is to support the neighbour's daughter. So I do think the neighbour is trying to support her daughter the best way she can. However, the noise is unbearable and I can no longer take it. I have made a formal complaint to the council about the noise and have recorded the daughter's meltdowns as evidence.

Since then, a mediation meeting between the neighbour and I to resolve the matter. The meeting has not taken place yet as the neighbour always has something going on (so wondering if she is avoiding this). But I'm hoping to move to a new property or secretly wishing that they will kick out the neighbours and move them elsewhere.

Other than that, what else can I do? This is taken a toll on my mental health.

Respectfully, you’re an AH.

Being a parent of an autistic child is so so difficult, unless you’ve been in that position you really have no idea how difficult it is, and you’re contributing to her stress.

If you’re too poor to move somewhere without neighbours, tough shit, that’s your problem to sort, rather than harassing someone who’s already doing through a lot and can’t control the situation.

It’s not a neighbours issue though. The treatment of disabled people is a completely separate issue to unreasonable noise. Of course disability provision should be better but that’s a distinct issue. It shouldn’t be conflated and someone struggling with long term high noise volumes from their neighbour is entitled to a solution. They shouldn’t be criticised for wanting to live in peace. Is is their home.

I agree however I'll bet that the ha will fight to not do it

OP, given that moving either of you is very unlikely, obviously nobody in going to suggest compulsory institutions or drugs (WTAbsolute F!),what would you actually like to get out of this complaint?

Actually the soundproofing does sound like the way to go if neither can move.

The mother needs to request an OT assessment for the child and sound reducing methods could possibly be considered under a DFG. (It will never fully sound proof)

The HA under the new consumer standards should be making this information available/ supporting the mother with this.

You do have the right to quiet enjoyment of your home...

But also your neighbour has to live somewhere.

I suspect there are further options available - assuming this is social housing (as otherwise why would a housing officer be involved)...

For example - funding for sound proofing - moving the neighbour to a more suitable property...

But those options will not be possible without a complaints procedure being followed through - so noise monitoring, mediation etc etc.

And of course these things take an age to work through and people are reluctant to do so because the child is disabled, the parent is doing their best, the fault is they are housed in an unsuitable property, but quite probably if no one complains, then that family absolutely will not get access to the alternative options as they're provided on a 'prove the need exists' basis, rather than a 'predict the need will exist' one.

Tbh this girl sounds like she's getting very distressed and it sounds like there is a lot of intervention involved. This family are having a bad time and you are now making it worse for them.

Shouting at someone having an autistic meltdown to keep the noise down will do absolutely nothing except make their meltdown worse and make them more likely to have a meltdown in the future because the feeling like they will be pissing someone off with a meltdown can increase overwhelm and make a meltdown even more likely.

I really think all you should be doing is trying to manage your own emotional regulation instead of trying to influence theirs. Get some noise cancelling head phones for when it happens.

If it's that bad work out how to move house because that is in your control. This family is not.

My neighbour has significant mental health problems and quite regularly I get woken up in the police everywhere with her screaming. It impacts me but I would never in a million years start shouting for her to stop or complaing to anyone as she is clearly very distressed and having a bad time and I would only be making things worse.

Yes actually I do! Either that or they move to a detached house.

Sadly you’re talking out of your backside.

Oh yeah i think the same. I do remember another thread on here a while ago asking "why dont Brits want to live in flats" some of the posters on that thread could learn something from this one

Where did I say lock up? I said move to
a more appropriate setting such as a residential home.

Is this a wind up post? What's with the emoji after saying mum is always busy? I'm sure she is very busy with a disabled daughter. What are you hoping to achieve by complaining? I'm sure her mum doesn't want to see her daughter in distress or have to go out in the middle of the night to try and calm her. I'm sure she would rather not have professionals coming to the home. I'm sure she would like a peaceful life too. I very much doubt there is anything else she can do. Her dealing with these complaints and you shouting at them to be quiet is only going to add more stress and that it going to make meltdowns worse, therefore, much more noise for everyone to deal with.

This is very unlikely to be in the child's best interest.
Most institutional places are horrendous places for autistic people.

So... Lock up.🤔

I really think all you should be doing is trying to manage your own emotional regulation instead of trying to influence theirs. Get some noise cancelling head phones for when it happens.

@Universalsnail , OP has been trying to cope with this and manage her own response for 12 years. But she can no longer do so because of the damage it has done to her her mental health.

This is not an instant unreasonable response. She has tried to be reasonable for 12 years. She just can't do it any more.

OP for what it's worth, my sympathies are entirely with you. No one should have to suffer noise pollution in their own home. For those saying the girl can't help it - she clearly could for several years. And what are the limits? What do we put up with if a neighbour has issues? We all have a right to privacy and safety, not to be on edge all the time waiting for the next onslaught.

The HA won't necessarily need to do it as it may be covered by a DFG, but a full assessment would need to be carried out first.

we all have a right to quiet enjoyment of our homes, even the child free.

Then she needs to take responsibility for her own life and her own emotional regulation. She could buy noise cancelling headphones and try that. If she can't deal with the situation anymore then she could move house, I don't believe that for 12 years it would have been impossible for her to work out how to move house because shes not happy with her living situation.. It's not ok to be shouting at someone having an autistic meltdown because most importantly it will make things worse and it isn't ok to be trying to get a disabled and very distressed teenager evicted. I have sympathy for how she is feeling but really she needs to take responsibility for her own situation instead of causing more harm and suffering to a family clearly already having what is definitely a far worse time then her having to put up with the sound of someone elses meltdown through a wall.

Very ignorant comment.

It's not that she could help it for several years and now is deciding she can't help it when really she could just stop doing it. It's clearly tied to her development. So she was having meltdowns as a young child and then things settled and she was more regulated and now she has hormones and typical struggles of a teenager which is overwhelming and impacting her mental health and causing more meltdowns again.

Then she needs to take responsibility for her own life and her own emotional regulation. She could buy noise cancelling headphones and try that

Would you say that if the neighbours were having loud parties or violent rows? I hope not. The reason for the noise is irrelevant. The OP has a right to live in peace.

I am not talking about the OP here, as I do have sympathy for her, although I don't know what she thought shouting at somebody having a meltdown would achieve, as it is likely to make things worse.
But some of the ableism on this thread is appalling!

Completely different situations.

You can not compare someone having regular loud parties and someone being in severe mental distress due to their disability.

Yes she has a right to live in peace but how she goes about that matters and going about living in peace by making the life of a disabled and very distressed teenager and a family (who are likely really struggling and experiencing things out of their control far worse then what she is experiencing) more stressful and worse isn't it.

The reason for the noise is not irrelevant when considering the appropriate and moral way to handle the situation.

I literally have experience of living and being woken on a regular basis by someone in severe mental distress and I would never in a million years shout at them or complain about them.

Is the young girls father on the scene at all @Ashellwithin