Neighbours Autistic daughter

[Ashellwithin]

Good evening all,

I was recommended to seek advice on this forum by a friend. If anyone could advise, I would be very much appreciative.

I have been living in my flat for the past 12 years. During the first few years, we have had to deal with my neighbour's daughter horrific meltdowns (e.g., jumping on the floor, crying). She was 4 or 5 years old at the time and although I did complain to our Local Housing officer about this, I didn't take this any further as she was quite young and did not think it would be taken seriously. Plus, the meltdowns seemed to had settled during the years.

However, now that my neighbour's daughter is a teen, the meltdowns have started all over again and they are much worse. She will curse, shout, bang, throw things, slams doors, runs up and down. She is very loud! On those days where it has gotten too much, I have regrettably shouted to "Keep the noise down!", on a few occasions. But the noise was really grating me.

The neighbour (mum) struggles to calm down her daughter and often takes her out of the house for long periods of duration or I will see them both wandering in the streets (around midnight!). I have also seen quite a few professionals (I'm assuming as they have lanyards) come in and out of her flat which I take is to support the neighbour's daughter. So I do think the neighbour is trying to support her daughter the best way she can. However, the noise is unbearable and I can no longer take it. I have made a formal complaint to the council about the noise and have recorded the daughter's meltdowns as evidence.

Since then, a mediation meeting between the neighbour and I to resolve the matter. The meeting has not taken place yet as the neighbour always has something going on (so wondering if she is avoiding this). But I'm hoping to move to a new property or secretly wishing that they will kick out the neighbours and move them elsewhere.

Other than that, what else can I do? This is taken a toll on my mental health.

I can see both sides. I understand your struggle, OP, but I also sympathise with the mother - walking the streets at midnight to try and calm her daughter suggests her life is a living hell. And now she has a complaint against her.

OP, do you know what medical support the daughter is receiving to try and ease these tantrums? If these meltdowns are uncontrollable, this might be the only solution. To help you, the mother and, most importantly, this child.

Honestly that's pretty vile of you. I am actually disgusted with this comment.

Sadly I'm.not as the parentc of a severely autistic teenager I know that it's incredibly hard to get a residential place even if it',s what everybody agrees with
You are clearly have no clue .

Honestly, this is such a tricky one.

It sounds like the mother is doing everything that she can to calm her daughter down and minimise the disruption.

At the same time, it's understandably disruptive to you and not an easy situation to live with, either. I don't think it's fair that people are coming on here and totally ignoring that part, too with things like, "What about the mother?"

Because whilst that is valid and she's absolutely going through it and it sounds like she's doing her absolute best-that doesn't negate the disruption and stress being put on those around them, either.

We can acknowledge that this is a tough situation for all involved-especially the daughter and the mother-but also the surrounding people, too and that doesn't have to take away from acknowledging how tough the mother has it.

I'm not sure what the answer is, OP. If you haven't already, look into some good earplugs and/or noise cancelling headphones. Are the flats carpeted/have rugs that may buffer any stomping etc?

Try and look into ways that you can buffer the noise from your end-white noise machines, etc.

Other than that, is there a way you can look to move? I know it seems extreme but it may be your only option as it really isn't fair or legal to expect your neighbour's to move. It's possible that being housed in a flat is not truly suitable accommodation for your neighbour-but if that's what they've been provided with-that's what they have to work with.

As frustrating as this is for you (understandably so) try and approach it with empathy.

Where are these magical places you speak of?
Yes residential school, s exist however they cost ££££££,s and nobody will take a disabled child off a parent if that's not in the best interests of the child.

You sound ridiculous

A my child can't ,thelp screaming loudly and frequently ,it's part of his disabilities, I'm sure it annoys my neighbours and it sure as hell annoys me however he will stay with me as long as I can meet his needs
Lots of things are annoying in society it annoys me when my neighbours argue loudly and drunkenly outside my door
Should we be sending them away?

Regarding the father. I no longer see him. He was awful and was abusive. I think she was feeling Domestic Violence. Either way, I assume she has nothing to do with him.

Those are vastly different scenarios, and you know it.

It's not like the neighbour is choosing to have her daughter have meltdowns and disrupt the people around them. The daughter isn't even choosing to have the meltdowns herself.

It's not the neighbour choosing to have loud parties or violent rows. Those things can be controlled and are choices. Having a disabled child is not.

There isn't an easy solution to this. If the mother could get her daughter to simply stop having the meltdowns-do you not think she would do it? If this is the housing that has been deemed suitable and provided to her-there's little else she can do.

It's one of those situations where there isn't a wrong or unreasonable person. It's just shit all around for everyone involved. OP isn't wrong to be feeling as she is about this-but the neighbour also isn't wrong. It's not being done deliberately.

Sorry that I have not posted for a while. The thread and my account was deleted for some odd reason and had to ask MQ to reinstate this.

To the all the people who say I am not being sympathetic. I am. I have a 16 year old son and he and so can have very heated arguments and he went through an awful phase of just pure disruption and I'm sure the neighbours heard this (no one had complained). But thankfully we have passed this storm. So I definitely know how it feels to walk on egg shells, go to certain lengths to calm children down.

But at the end of the day, I am entitled to peace in my home and I know I may sound like a wicked person. But I frankly do not care what the mother is going through (though I am sympathetic). I will go through with the mediation meeting, talk to my GP and will keep on complaining to the council about this and hopefully, I will be moved.

This. This thread clearly wants people to put up or shut up.

In an ideal world yes but when people live in social housing ,and I am one of them it's rarely ideal.

there are some vile comments on here

the whole tone of the Op is horrible. complaining as a first reaction to your sturggling neighbour with a young severely autistic/ disabled child? Seeing her wandering the streets and complaining rather than knocking on the door and inviting her for a cup of tea and a chat? jesus christ.

It is not all about social housing. People in privately owned terraces suffer even worse than noise in flats

Actually you are not 'entitled' to complete peace and silence - some noise - babies crying/ families arguing/ some music - is just part of living in dense accommodation in a city.

And when you say you don't care about the mum you sound just horrible. Maybe you could ahve stepped in years ago as a friendly neighbour and helped the mum push the council for more appropriate accommodation? Got a local MP involved /local newspaper - highlighted how diffeicult it is for her

wandering the streets? I mean it's desperate stuff and clearly they aren't coping in that home. But you are treating it like she is an adversary not someone you could actually work 'with' to resolve things.

At least if it's social housing, you stand a fighting chance at being moved.

Noise pollution is horrendous.

Imagine of you were an owner occupier- you wouldn't be able to sell, there was another case like this on here, and the person was between a rock and a hard place, unable to sell up because of the disturbed adult daughter whose wealthy father had bought her a flat.

Her post was taken down as well, despite her very valid concerns regarding the lifestyle choices of the upstairs neighbour.

You can not compare someone having regular loud parties and someone being in severe mental distress due to their disability

Yes I can. The effect on the victim is the same. You might as well say that's its OK for a man to harass and intimidate his neighbour if he's mentally ill and can't help it. It'd be on the neighbour to 'regulate their emotions' in your book.

Annoying someone with a loud autistic meltdown is just not the same as a mentally ill man actively harassing a neighbour in terms of the neighbours physical safety. Its just absolutely not the same situation at all. You keep making some massive false equivilances because you have a serious lack of compassion for a disabled, very distressed, and from what the OP says above about abusive absent father, traumatised child.

Lots of comments here about the poor struggling mother which is true but also there is an extremely distressed, disabled and traumatised child here in the middle of this and I think people need to remember that.

So you had a son that was by the sounds of it just as disruptive, due to tantrums but that was okay when that was happening and nobody complained so that's all good...yet a child that can't control the noises, meltdowns ect she has and you think it's unfair you should hear it and they should be evicted!! How do you think the neighbours felt listening to your son go on like a 2 year old, but by the sounds of it they had more decency, compassion and understanding than you!!!

You're not going to get moved end of so I'd get that out your head, there's not enough social housing, waiting lists are rediclious, 500 plus people bidding on 1 house...there was a family I knew with numerous anti social behaviour complaints against them yet still werent evicted, they moved eventually to an estate they all came from.

You do realise of the complaints carry on and the council end up evicting the family they won't rehouse them as they would be classed as they made theirselves intentionally homeless so this mother and child could end up on the street (or atleast my council these are the rules which is why above family moves eventually before they were evicted) I hope you'd sleep well knowing you put a mother and daughter on the street....absolutely rediclious you want to move you pick up the expenses and move, as I said previously I'm not surprised the mothers avoiding mediation with someone as vile as you

But this child isn't harassing or intimidating a neighbour.

She's the victim of distress and dysregulation herself.

Nobody has the right to harass any one but there's also a significant power imbalance difference between a man and his neighbour and a child and her neighbour.

No mother of an autistic child wants their child to be seen as a nuisance or menace or disturbance to their neighbours, and lord knows we can't just summon appropriate housing out or our hats. Hidden illnesses are forgotten about in council house banding.

I do have sympathy for the OP. I am a noise sensitive autistic adult and my child is very noisy autistic child. Nobody suffers more than I do in this house. I do hope she's able to be moved home for her sake but someone else will move in and it will be the same no matter where this family are and the council will just see it as trading one problem for the next, so for now the OP can and should take additional measures for her sanity like others have suggested and invest in noise blockers or noise breakers like white noise machines and ear plugs, because even though it would be absolutely swell if the council could find a suitable accommodation for all, we know that is not going to happen.

It’s extremely exhausting for others to listen to.
Empathy wears thin after months and years of having to listen to excessive noise and screaming, whatever the cause.

Im not allowed to mention this on here but locally there is a father with a young daughter of about nine who has autism who goes to the same coffee shop i sometimes go to There have been a couple of incidents but one was where she picked up a bucket of water that was tucked in the corner that was used to mop the floor and threw it over a table. I posted it on another thread and someone did point out it was a serious accident waiting to happen and what if its a pot of hot tea next time

Sure. But that does not change the fact we are talking about a disabled distressed child. If you are living in a situation where for years and years you are exhausted by a listening to a disabled child then you can ultimately take responsibility for your own living circumstances and move house. That is the morally better thing to do instead of shouting at a child in distress and then making the child's situation even more difficult by complaining about them and possibly causing them to be evicted.

This is a thread about a child having meltdowns in her home not a thread about a father allowing his child to pick up water in a coffee shop though. I'm not sure what your point is here, that autistic children shouldn't be allowed in your local coffee shop? Whatever it is it doesn't really relate to this thread.

@Universalsnail You were the one who brought up physical safety not me. Where did i say children with autism shouldnt be allowed in a coffee shop You brought up physical safety and its not great for peoples physical safety for things to be thrown around a coffee shop