Wedding one - who is BU?

[wedding119]

Friend A got married last week. It was a childfree wedding and save the dates were sent approx 1 year prior.

Friend A and Friend B have been friends for around 15 years and are considered quite close. Not in the wedding party, bridesmaid close but good friends.

B has a young child who is 2 and no partner so was relying on family for childcare.

This childcare partly fell through at the last minute (a few days before the wedding) and B was only able to attend the ceremony and then had to leave missing the meal paid for by A and the rest of the wedding.

A feels like B didn't try hard enough to find alternate childcare, B feels like there was nothing they could do. They do have other family members but felt it was too short notice to ask as they arent super close and B refused to ask a babysitter as they don't feel comfortable leaving their child with a babysitter they have never used before.

Who is BU?

Should A just accept there isn't anything B could do or should B have tried harder to find last minute childcare/used a babysitter (or at least tried to find one even if they don't like the idea of using one).

A is being unreasonable. Presumably she doesn't have children already because if she did I'd suspect she'd understand that it's not the same as asking someone to water a plant when you're away...

I think A needs to appreciate the effort that B made. After all, the ceremony is the important bit, right?

Also, at least B didn’t just rock up with the child in tow, declaring there were no other choices. She respected the request of the bride.

A is being unreasonable, but if she doesn't have children, she may just not 'get it'. If you have a childfree wedding, you just have to accept that some guests will have childcare issues (even at the last minute) and may not be able to attend. I can see why A might be disappointed, but she shouldn't be blaming B for the situation.

A. We wouldn’t have left our kids with someone we’d never met, either

A is being unreasonable.

Her choice to have a child free wedding but needs to accept that the wedding won't be accessible for guests with children.

Can't have it both ways, it's usually the child free wedding couple who then later whinge they can't attend a wedding due to the same rule after they've had their own kids.

Obviously A is unreasonable.

Nothing really is worth leaving a toddler with a stranger for hours at a time and certainly not a wedding.

If I was B I'd have at least asked the family members and tried harder to have the babysitting covered. I wouldnt have asked a stranger. However, if B made the choice not to ask family that's up to B. A shouldn't be voicing their opinion on it, shit happens.

Obviously A is in the wrong. There was a very short list of people we would have left our DC with at 2 - pretty much just the nursery staff we knew best (expensive and unlikely to be available at short notice) and grandparents (who live far away).

Just one of those things.

A is unreasonable. However if I was B I would have asked the other family members if my child knew them well an would be happy staying with them,

A is being unreasonable.

Childcare issues can and do arise last minute and a consequence of a child-free wedding is that may mean a guest cannot attend.

Expecting a 2 year old to be left with an unknown babysitter is ridiculous and is an expectation that would only arise from someone who is not a parent themselves.

Yep A is being unreasonable the only thing that B could have done is alert A to the situation should they then chose to bump someone up to the meal if they had evening guests. But the liklihood of a solo evening guest can be quite low as generally evening numbers are less strict.

It is difficult to find childcare last minute and it can also be a considerable cost.

Contrary to the first few answers, I think B is unreasonable.

She could have got childcare, but chose not to. If I was B I'd offer to pay for the head cover.

A is being unreasonable.

@wedding119

knock your heads together!

A should appreciate that B went to the effort to attend the ceremony, but she's understandably a pissed off at the waste if the cost of the meal.

B did a nice thing by still going to the ceremony, but is being a bit daft about not asking other trusted people to have her 2 yo, it doesn't matter if it was short notice (she'd been let down) they would have been free/willing to do it or not. Does B not have anyone she can ask?? Friends/neighbours?? If not she needs to find a babysitter she trusts pronto. Having one person she relies on (and has let her down) is not sufficient, especially as a single parent.

A is being unreasonable. If you have a childfree wedding you accept that some people might not be able to come. That includes at the last minute if someone's childcare arrangements fall through.

B couldn't just magic up a trusted babysitter at the last minute, so A's options at this point were to accept that B could no longer make it or allow B to bring her child to the wedding.

If I was B, I would've tried other options with other family members even at short notice.

But that's not the case here so A needs to get over it.

Lots of people are using the reason 'if you have a child free wedding you accept people can't come' , but that isn't what happened here.

This is someone who said they could come, was paid for, then didn't.

If B only has one person they can possibly leave their child with, I would advise B to be pronto widening their circle. Friends,
, neighbours. And any babysitter/nursery worker/preschool worker is a 'stranger' on the first visit. Need to start somewhere.

If anything happens to B, the child is going to be struggling a bit if she only knows one person.

I think A is unreasonable. B made the effort to come to the ceremony and I am sure if she would of liked to stay for the meal and party but parents have different levels of comfort in leaving a child and who with.

I know I'm the lone voice here, but..

In response to the lots of people who don't want to leave kids with 'strangers', (leaving out the fact everyone is a stranger on first meeting) that's fine, but...

If you don't want to leave your child with anyone other than one person, then don't accept an invitation to a pricey wedding. It's too risky and not fair on the bride and groom.

Doesn’t seem like B missed much of a party if this is how A is spending her newly wed bliss still stewing. B wasn't considered close enough to have been in the actual wedding party so clearly not instrumental to the day, I’m sure her absence wasn’t that great to be making such a fuss over weeks later.

I wouldn't have left my 2 year old with a stranger they’d never met or family members they weren’t close to when I was already going to the actual wedding - surely B did enough to make sure she saw the actual important bit? It’s not like she missed the entire day.

That's harsh. B had childcare lined up, and it fell through. Presumably the person who can no longer do the childcare would also be unable to attend a wedding for the same reason - should none of us accept a wedding invitation unless we can guarantee we won't get flu/food poisoning/noro/break a leg/have a hospital appointment we can't move?

Not attending a wedding on short notice after RSVPing yes for a flimsy reason is a shitty thing to do (one of our gang did that at another friend's wedding and it was the last straw, he's no longer friends with any of us) but that's not the case here.

Bloody hell - poor B.

A is being massively unreasonable and lacking in grace.