Wedding one - who is BU?

[wedding119]

Friend A got married last week. It was a childfree wedding and save the dates were sent approx 1 year prior.

Friend A and Friend B have been friends for around 15 years and are considered quite close. Not in the wedding party, bridesmaid close but good friends.

B has a young child who is 2 and no partner so was relying on family for childcare.

This childcare partly fell through at the last minute (a few days before the wedding) and B was only able to attend the ceremony and then had to leave missing the meal paid for by A and the rest of the wedding.

A feels like B didn't try hard enough to find alternate childcare, B feels like there was nothing they could do. They do have other family members but felt it was too short notice to ask as they arent super close and B refused to ask a babysitter as they don't feel comfortable leaving their child with a babysitter they have never used before.

Who is BU?

Should A just accept there isn't anything B could do or should B have tried harder to find last minute childcare/used a babysitter (or at least tried to find one even if they don't like the idea of using one).

If you don't want to leave your child with anyone other than one person, then don't accept an invitation to a pricey wedding. It's too risky and not fair on the bride and groom.

Rubbish.

Life isn't always black and white and these things happen. It's for the bride and groom to pull their adult pants up and accept this.

Or you could spin that around and say no bride and groom should invite anyone with young DC, as it's too 'risky'.

Why is A so het up about it? She just got married? Doesn't she have anything better to do?

B organised childcare, it fell through, shit happens! I'm sure B was looking forward to a child free wedding but parental responsibility trumps a wedding meal!

The only reason I'd have left my young DC with a babysitter I hardly knew, would've been for an extreme emergency, like seeing a dying relative.

Not someone's bloody wedding reception.

Based on that logic, you'd never accept invites to anything because you yourself could become ill, get knocked over or even die before the event!

I agree with A in that it sounds as though B made no attempt to find childcare.

Obviously there's nothing B can do if there is none, but it doesn't sound like she tried which is pretty rude

A needs to focus her energy into her new marriage, not a friend who attended the ceremony despite childcare issues.

Probably a lone voice because it’s verging on ridiculous…Theres many reasons lots of people might drop out of a wedding at short notice (which B DIDNT do - she made sure to attend the actual ceremony) that are unforeseen and unavoidable so its extreme to suggest people should just not accept invitations because they’re a “risk” of having kids.

Life is full of risks and unknowns so where draw the line on a guest list? By that logics anyone with a partner could have something happen to them at any point, anyone who has kids could have one of them be ill suddenly… If you cycle to work you might get hit by a car more than a person driving, if you have a food allergy you might get sick the day before, or if you have a long term condition that could flare up eating dinner the night before, if you live in a city where crime is higher in the way to pick up your shoes for the wedding… should people never accept an invite because they might on the off chance have something out of their control happen that puts out a bridezilla?

A sounds like a sad pita with nothing to fret about.
Marriage will be tough for her.

B did what she could. The end.

It sounds like Friend B didn't have any alternative really. There were other family members who possibly 'could' have had her child but as they aren't close it's not much different to leaving with a childminder she didn't already know.

Friend A should really accept the situation that leaving your child with a stranger or family members you aren't particularly close with is something that didn't sit right for Friend B.

Friend B could have just sacked the whole day but she made the effort to see the important bit of her friend actually getting married.

Friend A needs to be a bit more accepting that 'shit' happens to people and to be a little more understanding. Does Friend A have children? If she doesn't, she's got all these kind of dilemmas to navigate in the future!

I suspect that if she hadn’t accepted the invitation it would’ve been seen as a snub….people can’t win with weddings.

A is a tit.

Actually, while I think both are being a bit silly, I am going to go against the grain here and say that it does rather sound like B could have made a bit more effort. Like B, I wouldn't usually ask family I'm not super close to for a last minute favour as a rule, but in the case of a very close friend's wedding, I think I would do so as it's really quite poor form to not turn up at a wedding you've said you'd attend without having genuinely put every effort into making sure that whatever plan fell through couldn't be fixed.

So in my case, I don't usually ask my sister for babysitting. But in a situation like this, I would.

Unfortunately, sometimes there are no other options and A has to understand that. People seem to think there is a magic solution that allows you to farm your child out somewhere, but sometimes there is nowhere for them to go and you can't change that. In the same way that you can do everything possible to make sure your car is reliable to get there in time for the wedding....but someone else's breakdown on the motorway could still make you miss it.

Anybody who hosts an event that doesn't include children cannot then complain if people can't come due to childcare issues.

For the record we are inviting children

A is being unreasonable. Ridiculous to think everyone else needs to prioritise their wedding

Lots of people are using the reason 'if you have a child free wedding you accept people can't come' , but that isn't what happened here.
This is someone who said they could come, was paid for, then didn't
Exactly!
I think B was unreasonable, you don’t waste other people’s money just because you don’t want to ask friends/family for a favour or don’t want to use a babysitter ever.

How is she being unreasonable? She gave a year's notice!

A is unreasonable. B did what she could.

This is bound to happen occasionally if you insist on having a child-free wedding so A is being unreasonable.

A is BU. Child over friend ALWAYS

Except in B’s case « sometimes there is nowhere for them to go and you can't change that » is not true, there are places, she just doesn’t want to use these.

I think A is very unreasonable. B did their best!

It’s one guest and not even in the wedding party. The meal cost money yes but it wouldn’t have cost less if B had eaten it.

Yes it’s a shame if people drop out last minute but that’s the risk you take if you invite single parents to something that’s child free

^^This

A is going to realise when she has her own children she should appreciate B's efforts

You guys are so strange (to me at least!)
The child wasn’t unwell/distressed so how is calling a family member/baby sitter choosing a friend over her child??
Or do you mean that you never do anything that doesn’t involve your children?
I sometimes go out and my DC could say they’d rather I stayed home - but what would it be teaching them if I cancelled my plans? That my life as a mother has to revolve around them. That their wants are superior to other’s.

The OP is clearly B