Wedding one - who is BU?

[wedding119]

Friend A got married last week. It was a childfree wedding and save the dates were sent approx 1 year prior.

Friend A and Friend B have been friends for around 15 years and are considered quite close. Not in the wedding party, bridesmaid close but good friends.

B has a young child who is 2 and no partner so was relying on family for childcare.

This childcare partly fell through at the last minute (a few days before the wedding) and B was only able to attend the ceremony and then had to leave missing the meal paid for by A and the rest of the wedding.

A feels like B didn't try hard enough to find alternate childcare, B feels like there was nothing they could do. They do have other family members but felt it was too short notice to ask as they arent super close and B refused to ask a babysitter as they don't feel comfortable leaving their child with a babysitter they have never used before.

Who is BU?

Should A just accept there isn't anything B could do or should B have tried harder to find last minute childcare/used a babysitter (or at least tried to find one even if they don't like the idea of using one).

In future it might be worth bearing in mind that a large number of nursery staff do moonlighting as babysitters, OP.

When I'm working DD goes to nursery 4 days a week and my mum has her one day of the week.

Your mum clearly has a lot on her plate but seems able to manage a full day of childcare but could not manage a couple of extra hours to allow you to attend the meal which seems a bit off to me as it was obviously a one-off.

You also had two months notice regarding the childcare issues with the illness of your father, I think you could have made more effort to sort someone else out in that time frame even if that childcare was only for the ceremony and meal and not the full evening bash.

I do think you need to find some back up childcare as in view of your father's illness and your mother having to cope with that it could be getting to a point when it is all too much for her.

I honestly don't think this is OPs fault

She arranged childcare
Child's father is useless. The people she'd normally ask were unavailable . Her mum could only help for a reduced period of time due to new circumstances

This is what can happen if the bride n groom want no kids at a wedding Bride is being a bridezilla for, in essence, getting annoyed that childcare has fallen through

A being unreasonable

From your updates it sounds like you didnt really make enough plans.

You said your mum was looking after your dad but also working? Which one was it?
You said it was a weekday wedding. If your dc goes to childcare why weren't they there on that day? Could you have swapped a childcare day or paid for an extra one? Could your mum then not have had dc for a few hours after nursery?

@wedding119 I assumed you asked A if you could bring your child to the reception and she said no?

If that's the case then she I'd being unreasonable as if she wanted you there then she should have allowed you to bring your child.

If you didn't actually ask then YABU as you didn't exhaust all avenues.

A is unreasonable. B still managed to attend the ceremony which must have been difficult.

we didn’t use unknown babysitters. I don’t know anyone IRL who uses unknown babysitters.

A took this risk when deciding to exclude children from the wedding. Some people won’t be able to attend and some people might lose their child care despite planning well.

First of all stop apologising. It then seems like you are the one totally in the wrong.

“I’m so sorry A my childcare hasn’t worked out as planned (you don’t have to explain why to A if you don’t want to) but I will still be attending the ceremony just unable to attend the meal and evening as planned. Please let me know if I owe you any money for the meal and I’m looking forward to seeing you on the big day”

We had a few people pull out of our wedding or who had to leave early for some reasons and it is annoying but I was very understanding. I think it happens to most people.

For what it’s worth I wouldn’t have asked a family member to look after my toddler that I didn’t fully trust either / close to either

Also A needs to realise that when having a child free wedding, and a weekday wedding this is the risk you take. Childcare plans sometimes do fall apart.

No she doesn't. If the bride was that bothered she could have had the two year old there too. All very well this 'it's the bride's day and she can have what she wants' but she must accept the consequences when somebody can't get childcare. Years ago a wedding was a family day with everybody invited and enjoying themselves - not an Instagram moment.

Im surprised A even noticed!
Frankly I'm amazed how people do not have someone to look after their children, even at short notice. My DH was in hospital when my son was six weeks old and a neighbour took him for a couple hours a few times so I could visit - she was a mother but didn't know my baby. I had a teenage girl babysit my kids a few times - they didn't know her the first time obviously.
I had no parental support nor family on either side but I always managed to find someone - the nursery staff my kids attended would babysit.
But anyway, you didn't find anyone. You did your best. Stop apologising.

I value my friends more than the cost of a meal.
A is BU.

Be amazed @mondaytosunday but I never had anyone other than DM a 2 hour round trip away, there of plenty of people in the same boat, and I had DH in ICU for 5 weeks at one point in a hospital an hour away, in the opposite direction DM lived in. We aren’t all fortunate to have support, good neighbours or the money to hire babysitters, sadly even as a one off.

Exactly this. I understood this even before I had my baby, but now I can see there's no freaking village, and you do what you can do.

A is unreasonable but it's also unreasonable to not have vetted babysitters.

I don't know when this reluctance to leave children with anyone but grandparents started. In the late 70s and 80s, I babysat from age 14 onward, including infants, in pre-cellphone days when I didn't even have any idea where the parents were going to be, when they headed out for dinner and a movie. We all survived. What exactly do parents think is going to happen if they hire a teenager or a uni student or an off-duty nursery worker to stay with their children?

I even babysat a neighbour's kids overnight when I was 16, three of them age 5, 7 and 10. And come to think of it, my distant cousin's twin toddlers when she and her husband attended a wedding.

If you don't want teens, how about a reciprocal arrangement with other parents, neighbours, etc.?

the problem with weddings is that even when people have managed to cultivate a village of people who they trust with their child, most of the people in that village are at the wedding. It’s the nature of social networks and weddings.

A is unreasonable. Totally. Fine to have a childfree wedding but you accept people won't come and that includes childcare falling through. I say this as someone who had a childfree wedding myself!!

@BettyBardMacDonald so OP should hire a regular babysitter she doesn't need so that just in case a friend is having a childfree wedding, she has a babysitter on call? And by the way, a random teenager or a neighbour, even a regular babysitting one, would not be able to have a 2 year old over night. That's an incredibly big ask that realistically only close family could do.

@mondaytosunday most good neighbours, if you're lucky to have them, would watch a baby in such an emergency for a few hours. Most however will not take a 2 year old overnight so the mother can go to a wedding.

A is being unreasonable.
Childfree weddings are self-indulgent princess-trips when you get to the age when a good few friends have babies or children.

Hopefully she'll get bitten on the bum in a few years time.

I disagree. If people want an elegant kid-free event that's their prerogative. It's up to parents to anticipate childcare needs will arise and not be waiting till the last minute to have backup plans.

Jesus what a horrible attitude!

We decided only family children at our wedding which worked out at about 5 under 3's (2 of which were ours). My husbands best friend (wasn't best man due to living too far away, but he did the 'best man' speech). He had 2 under 10 and his babysitters fell through, so we said don't worry, bring the kids we'd have rather him and his kids than none of them at all! Some brides are so precious.

Weddings should be about love and friendship and family and celebrating love and all the people that helped make you and your partner who you are and supported your relationship. It should be a no brainer to make allowances for people who are close to you who are struggling.

I think child free weddings are the only option once your friends have kids. My school friend group now comes with ten very small very loud people. Family is different.

What a strange thing to take so personally. We all have different boundaries - what I am saying is no offence to A but my children will always come first so if I feel that them being left with family they do not really know (as OP has also clarified and alluded to in her original post by stating they are not super close) or with a last minute sitter that I had not had the chance to get a proper feel for or settle my child in with then that for me is a hard no. It wouldn't be for everyone but it clearly is for the OP and for some other posters including myself. There were a number of 'PFB' type comments and I put my thoughts across from someone who would feel similarly to the OP and behave in kind.

My post was in support of OPs position and that I don't think she is being unreasonable to of not left her child in the circumstances described. If that is okay with you of course.

A = Bridezilla